Catholic Men Only the lonely

Jun 27, 2011

If you’re lonely, you’re in good company.

I don’t mean to sound glib about such a personal issue. But I think it’s important to keep in mind that all of us go through periods of loneliness due to unavoidable circumstances in our lives. Relatives or friends move away. We are traveling on business. We have an argument and our lunch partner avoids us. We’re so busy at work we have no time to talk. Or, more profoundly, a spouse passes away. Loneliness and grief can be a strong double punch.

These are normal occurrences and should not cause us to feel anxiety over feeling lonely. That would be self-defeating. The real problems come not when we lose a friend, but when we no longer have a friend to lose. Today, it seems, many people are in that situation in our nation, with a survey two years ago showing that a staggering 25% percent of people saying that they have no one close with whom they can talk about personal matters. This is a situation most likely unprecedented in human history. Men and women and children have always been, for better or worse, a part of a tribe, group, community or family that provided not only companionship and identity but was relied on for survival.

In American today, we can each live as an individual economic unit who can choose to belong or not. It is no wonder that years ago Mother Teresa said that America suffered from the great poverty of loneliness.

I think it is fair to say that the high divorce rate has much to do with this fact. When a family breaks up, so do the lines of communication. Spouses no longer talk and may become suspicious of new commitments. Children close in on themselves and grow wary of love and trust. True feelings are suppressed.

With up to 40 percent of marriages ending in divorce, and almost everyone being touched by the breakups in some way, a swath of separation has cut through our nation, and the seeming silence about it comes from the fact that we are not supposed to notice broken marriages for fear of offending, or else we are told to think that divorce is normal or at least acceptable.

Another cause of loneliness may be our culture’s focus on sexual fulfillment rather than close and abiding relationships and love. The message is that if you’re not sexually gratified with one or more partners, you are not really living. But there are many other forms of gratifying and satisfying relationships that don’t involve sex or thoughts of sex, even between men and women, even between spouses. With all attention on one area, the wholesomeness of everyday friendships and laughter can be missed.

Then there’s the hyper-sexualization of popular media and the internet, through which anyone can receive a physical thrill in the solitude of his or her living room, and wind up feeling even lonelier by bedtime.

This is not meant to be a self-help or advice column, but the Catholic Church does offer some insights on the issue. After all, as the Second Vatican Council declared, the Church is “an expert in humanity.”

We begin by citing the age-old wisdom dating back to Aristotle and baptized by Augustine and others through the centuries; that is, man is a social creature. In our day, Pope John Paul II developed a whole thesis on the social nature of mankind, based on his reading of the first chapters of Genesis and a common sense observation of nature. It is called “Theology of the Body.” He wrote that all humans are meant for communion, a sacred interrelation, and that the only adequate response to the person (made in the image of God) is love.

To fully realize his or her potential, a person must be in relationship with others. We do not fully know ourselves or our capacities without feedback from others. This is evident in the cooing love between a mother and her child, and it holds true in various ways at different stages of our lives.

Rugged individualist we may be, yet we cannot escape what I call the “interpersonal imperative.” We care what other people think, know and say about us and to us. I need you in order to become fully me.

Think: who are the true friends in my life? Who lifts me up, moves me forward, offers a reflection, a suggestion, or even a correction? Give a call, send an e-mail or a snail mail, or pay a visit to that person soon. Don’t delay. The fullness of your life, and perhaps your health, depend on it.