Catholic & Single What we learn while dating

Apr 20, 2011

I don’t think anyone would disagree that dating is a learning process. Understanding the opposite sex is a challenge.

I wonder how many of us actually consider what will be learned about the person as plans are made. We don’t typically get excited about going on a date with someone we are interested in by saying, “I cannot wait for the education I am going to get.” There is more of a concentration on selfish things like will he/she like me or find me attractive, what what will be done or where you will go, and how you should dress for the occasion.

I don’t think we realize just how selfish we are in our approach to dating another person. It’s natural, of course, and there are important reasons to consider ourselves when it comes to a date and its outcome. Obviously, we want to know first that we have interest in being with this person, and we need to know that this person has interest in being with us. No one wants to waste their time if they can help it.

Much of dating today has become a quest for compatibility, with no time allotted for cultivating the mystery that is the other person. This impatience in dating has caused a desire to impose oneself on another, as opposed to creating a relaxed atmosphere of persons open to experiencing the other with docility and an open mind (and heart, if you will).

The result is utilitarian approach to finding love. It makes the other person become a kind of conquered land, instead of an incorporation of persons towards oneness. Where is the person who will accept everything about me and adapt to my desires, lifestyle, geographic location, etc.? Your dates become interviews to find an applicant that can be hired to fulfill a job description.

But for dating to be authentic, it must always have at the heart of its purpose the desire for getting to know another person. If true love is to be established, its foundation has to be knowledge of the other, and a mutual sharing of each other over time.

Just as with God, we are to know, love, and serve Him in this life, so it is with love between a man and a woman for the purpose of marriage. If there is to be a commitment to service, which is marriage, there must be the desire to serve, which is love. And that love of two people for each other happens primarily because of getting to know each other. I know you and therefore I love you. No one desires to marry someone who is disagreeable to be with. They know, and therefore love. Love kindles and grows as you know more.

The time taken to get to know each other is the purpose of dating. It is a learning process, for sure. And we should approach dating as being about getting an education.

The education takes time, therefore effort is made to find time to be with each other in ways that foster getting to know each other. In time, you come to learn not only information and facts that the other divulges, but also the traits and idiosyncrasies that contribute to who they are.

Love develops as profound trust is established when it comes to sharing with each other. We are all very protective of ourselves. There are very few people we would trust with many things about ourselves. To find one person you can be your total self with and share everything with is not only a great blessing, but helps a great deal when it comes to the companionship desired in marriage.

Love draws two people toward marital intimacy as they mutually discover each other and desire to be together because of what they have learned.

It is unfortunate that we live in a time when the term “education” has lost its true meaning. Today, it has come to mean a kind of dictation of facts to others so those others might learn what is being presented. It suggests a one dimensional relationship of teacher to student.

Modern dating is like this. One dimensional, with a definitive blocking out of the other’s uniqueness and ability to change you. By this I mean that in a healthy relationship, the other person is able to make you a better person. Being with and around that person actually enhances you, compliments you, and yes, even changes you for the better. The changes are subtle, without really knowing they are happening, but they are significant enough to make others who have known you a long time say, “my, how you’ve changed.”

Change in this sense is good. People who move towards love and marriage have the power to change each other. Sometimes people change for the wrong reasons and for the worse. With the wrong person, you can change into someone you should not become. But if two people are loving and respecting each other for who they are, the changes that take place are authentic and Godly.

Often the dating experience will result in the exchange producing an inability to connect in a way that draws each other mutually deeper, and thus the relationship ends. What is learned from that experience can be taken into a future relationship. We grow from each relationship. We learn better how to educate, how to draw out the other out.

This is a very important aspect of dating. Anyone serious about marriage needs to have a basic skill in drawing out the person they love. In marriage, you are each other’s confidants. Your spouse is the one you trust the most with your heart. Any problem with the ability to safely share things with each other is a disservice to the marriage relationship at best, and can be a catastrophe for the marriage at worse. The person we choose to marry will be someone we have successfully drawn love out of, and brought all aspects of that love to light.

So when we go out on dates, let’s resist the temptation to analyze, criticize, and interview based on our own preconceived notions and expectations. Focus on the other person with good questions and a great listening ear.

Courtship is a beautiful process of discovery. It takes a lifetime to go to the full depths of the one we love. In fact, it never actually happens. That’s how much of a mystery the person is. But you can get very, very deep, which makes the love more fusing and mysterious, with less need on the physical aspects that young love depends on so much.

There is a point in courtship when you say, “I know enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life discovering you,” and there is engagement to be married. It takes being experienced and successful at educating each other to come to that point. May your education be productive and bear much fruit.