Catholic & Single Time is not on my side

Mar 31, 2011

Lent is a period of time where reflection on our time on this earth should be pondered, and changes in our lives made based on this reflection.

Consider one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 90:

“Our life is over like a sigh....
Make us know the shortness of our life, that we may gain wisdom of heart”

Life has a way of fooling us into thinking we have much more time than we really do, or that we will never die. How do we use our time appropriately and wisely in everyday life? As unmarried persons, how does time apply to the vocation of marriage?

On one hand, you need to take your time and make sure that the person you marry is a wise choice. On the other hand, you need to make a decision sooner rather than later. It’s a catch-22.

How should we examine ourselves when it comes to how we utilize the gift of time? Take the time to look at yourself. This is not about the reality of marrying or not marrying. The reality is that some people will get married and others will not, due to a multiplicity of factors.

Some of these factors are not in our control, and marriage may elude many people despite all good efforts of prayer and actions. That is a mystery of life. However, there are many more factors that are within our control but often go undetected because time is not taken to examine ourselves.

I suggest that there is a shallow sense of contentment being single, despite the deep desire for marriage. The longing to be loved is at the heart of this desire. This is the most natural thing in the world, and it is right to look loneliness and lack of being loved straight in the eye and say “This stinks and I don’t like it one bit.” It is perfectly fine to feel that way.

God wants us to take that pain to Him and find refuge. There is a great comfort in knowing that time is short and the eternity waiting for us when we die has fulfillment and happiness unimaginable for those who love God and are faithful to Him.

But while we are here, this longing to be married to avoid loneliness and to receive the love we desire is real and should be pursued. How we deal with this longing can result in a shallow contentment that can work against actually being open to meeting someone and pursuing marriage.

There can be a tendency to fill up our time while single. And you can get so busy in your life that you’re no longer actually or practically open to meeting someone, even though you really believe you are.

You have a pretty nice life. You’re working a lot and find fulfillment in it, you have lots of friends and family you meet with regularly, you have your hobbies or recreation activities you are committed to, you have your volunteer work, Holy Hour schedule, etc.

You would like to meet someone, but you might not really care when it happens, if at all. You’re content. You are loved by many people and find a level of fulfillment in them that satisfies that longing to be loved. You are busy, active, and social; therefore you are not lonely.

This contentment is shallow because deep down you still want more; you do want that someone to share your life with. But now your life is cluttered with so many things and people there is no room for someone or time to develop a relationship. When prospects come along and you date them, you actually fear jeopardizing or losing these other things and people for someone that might not work out.

This is not to say that you are shallow. But that contentment can make one complacent about pursuing their vocation.

You might say, “What am I supposed to do? I want to meet someone but it’s not happening, and all the things I am involved in and the people I know are fulfilling my life and keeping me from loneliness. Isn’t that good too?” Are you prepared to give up the life you have carved out in order to invest in a new life? You will say “Of course I am, and I am always looking.”

Nobody wants to blame themselves for why they are still single or take responsibility for their own actions to thwart legitimate opportunities to have a suitable partner in their life. They don’t dare face the reality that they actually could have been married by now and living a happy life. Nor do they want to admit they are not marriage material and those who date them realize that along the way.

Not admitting these things is understandable. They are not easy truths to face. However, facing them is a necessity in order to make the possibility of marriage a reality.

Life is short, and time is definitely NOT on your side. We do not know when God will call us back to Him. Jesus told us to live every day as if it were our last. We had better make good use of every moment.

Therefore, it stands to reason that we should a) care a great deal about what exactly our vocation is, b) get into that vocation, and c) take seriously the timing of this vocation.

There are plenty of people out there that are using their time wisely, are doing all the right things for their cause, and are undoubtedly ready for and able to make a commitment to love in marriage. They suffer greatly because they have so much to give and no one give it to. They are living their life close to God and serving Him in their every day life. They are not who this article is for. They are ready.

This article is for those who know deep down, if they take the time for reflection, that they are making mistakes which are affecting their ability to enter into the vocation to marriage.

We are too protective of ourselves. We dread making a fatal mistake. So we wait. We want a clear and definitive answer from God that will never come. We believe we have faith, but when it comes to a decision like marriage that requires faith, we are weak.

Meanwhile, time ticks away. Before you know it, your 20s are gone. It takes no time at all to blow past your 30s. Now you face your 40s and beyond, which is when you can become so set in your ways and have to deal with agonizing loneliness that requires heroic effort to get through. Then, as the Psalm points out, you hit your 70s and 80s and life is ended; over like a sigh.

(Column continues below)

Time is very short. Decisions need to be made and actions taken. Above all, life has to be lived in love and service. We are here to serve, not to be served. If you give yourself in love and service, you will be truly happy, and your time will have been wisely spent.