Catholic & Single The psychological in dating

Mar 23, 2011

The psychological make up of a person is critical to marriage, because it is critical to the individual person. In marriage we must make a free will decision to commit ourselves to one person.

It is not an easy thing to know or understand the psychological make up of another person. Dating and courtship are a time of discovery about each other in order to make a decision about a life-long commitment. This decision needs to be as informed as possible. Taking the appropriate amount of time before engagement and marriage to get to know the other is critical.

But how do we really know we are getting the true self? This is precisely the problem of the psychological component in dating. It is important to have a proper understanding of what psychology means.

The word psychology comes from the Greek word “psyche” which means “soul.” Therefore, the correct meaning of psychology is the study of the soul. And what is the soul? For the founders of this word, the soul is understood to mean the mind. It is in the mind that thoughts are formulated and decisions are made. The mind forms the “I will” decision of every action.

So it is fitting that we look at dating as a time to get into the mind of each other in order to make that all important well informed decision to love, let alone marry. Love is very much an act of the will, not just a movement of the heart. In other words, to make a commitment to love someone must have at its foundation an understanding that you are loving a person who may or may not be the person you think they are.

Many people are in troubled dating relationships or marriages specifically because of the psychological dilemma one or both have presented in their relationship. This means that their minds have problems that affect their ability to make wise and prudent decisions, or to have an authentic ability to love or give themselves to another. Their ability to act appropriately or present their true self is hindered. Perhaps they are even incapable of knowing who they really are.

Some of this is a product of upbringing, but some of it has to do with unconfessed sin or unresolved guilt. Guilt that is not properly resolved has a way of preying on the mind and the body. The body is the vehicle of the mind’s decisions to act. When the body carries out actions that are not good, evil, or sinful, the conscience informs the mind that something is wrong, and the mind has to decide if it wants to resolve that problem or not.

This is where guilt is decided to be a friend or a foe. For those who live holistically (the person is the perfect harmony of mind, heart and body working together for higher good), guilt is a welcome friend that helps indicate that there is something wrong needing to be resolved. When guilt is rejected as an enemy, the conscience is clouded over or destroyed, and the mind is left to its own authority. The body is a helpless soldier with no recourse but to be forced to do even the most unwise and dangerous things without the conscience’s direction and aid.

Though it is true that we can never know completely the mind of another person, actions of a person provide clues that most often give a clear indicator to the mind; the psychological make up. What a person says and does ARE very often what they think. The verbal and the non-verbal; the words as well as body language make up the puzzle that is the person. It is wise to pay attention to everything in order to make the most informed decision possible.

Love that is driven by feelings and emotions often cause blindness to the truth that is presented. This kind of love causes one to not pay attention to the indicators of the psychological problems that person cannot help present. We then ignore the signs and indicators in favor of the positives of that person we do not want to lose.

Marriage must not ever be about what one feels. It must be about the dignity and requirements of marriage itself. Is this person capable of living out marital love and all that marriage requires? No one is perfectly ready for marriage, because living out marriage is how you learn to be married.

The psychological make up of a person determines their capability. Failures, imperfections, bad habits, even scars from upbringing and past relationships work on the psychological make up of us all. But these do not necessarily mean we are incapable of the marriage commitment. The connection to reality and to the conscience are the critical elements to determining you might be dealing with someone psychologically not ready for marriage or able to love.

How a person resolves their guilt, their conflicts, their problems, etc. is the key. Is there true sorrow? Is there a desire to make things right and ask forgiveness? Is there courage and ambition to amend their life? Is there humility to recognize and acknowledge these things, and the effort and commitment to work on themselves?

If yes, then there is good reason to believe they are capable of love and marriage. If there is no true contrition nor sincere apologies, and they are always expecting you to be the one to make changes, then you are looking at a toxic person and relationship.

An injured mind makes for a disrupted person. Every one of us has some sort of psychological disturbance. The road to mending an injured mind has much to do with loving and being loved. A healthy relationship with God always leads to mending our brokenness. Looking for another person to take God’s role never works, and can cause more harm. It starts with loving God and allowing Him to love you.

Then there is loving our neighbor through service because of love for God. We come out of ourselves and focus on others. This is called “connection.” The psychologically dangerous are the ones who cannot make that connection. Therefore, they are incapable of love that works to heal and build. They are incapable of marriage, which requires love that seeks to serve, not to be served.

Be wise with your time while dating. And beware of someone who will not allow you into their mind, where important knowledge of the true self resides. Take notice of all presented through the body. Be friends, because friends share everything and good friendship always works to mend the injuries and brokenness of each other through the power of love.