Catholic & Single Is online dating like trying to play God?

Mar 2, 2011

Dear Anthony,

Friends of mine are telling me that using an online dating site is playing the role of God in finding a spouse; that I should let God lead me “supernaturally.” They say a dating website is like a bar where you are just looking at faces and choosing what you like. I’m not sure how to answer them. Could you help? Also, are sites like Match.com and eHarmony acceptable places for Catholics to pursue a spouse?

It seems that your friends have discounted the Internet as a tool that God can use for His purposes. I wonder if they feel that a person seeking more information about the Catholic Faith should not use the Internet for help. Are people and organizations wasting their time having websites that help people learn the faith? I’m sure your friends don’t think that at all. Once you accept that God can use the Internet for His purposes, then it makes sense that God can use a website to help connect two people and it lead to marriage.

God’s ways are a mystery, and the Holy Spirit moves where It wills. He can use any person, place or thing to help with the path to marriage, just as the path to sanctity. It is amazing the various places or ways couples have met. And there are more and more stories of Catholics meeting on a website.

This is because these online dating sites are making it easy to come into contact with those who share your faith. In addition, people on these sites share the same goal of wanting to meet people like themselves. I can’t think of any offline places where this is possible.

I'm not sure what your friends mean by "supernatural" when it comes to meeting someone, but they likely don't understand the scope of the supernatural. God created us as sacramental beings. That means we come to understand the mysteries of life and of God (the supernatural) through our senses (the external world). Therefore, there is nothing more supernatural (or God-like in action, if you will), nor Catholic and human, than to receive an inspiration of the Holy Spirit through a person, place or thing.

You are much more likely to meet your future spouse by getting out into the world going to work, or participating in some form of recreation, rather than sitting at home with your eyes closed in prayer or reading a book as you wait for the door to knock and your future spouse to be on the other side.

We must do our part to help God with His efforts to help us when it comes to meeting someone for marriage. We have to work on ourselves, and we have to get into environments where we can meet a quality person.

A bar is not the best environment to meet a good Catholic, not because of the style of approach your friends described (looking at faces and choosing to pursue) but because of the quality of individual that a bar tends to attract. If it is a specific bar that Catholics frequent, then maybe that is another thing. I speak at Theology on Tap. Meeting 75 Catholics in a bar is not a bad thing at all. But typically, I definitely discourage people from going to a bar if they trying to decide where to go to meet someone.

Again, online Catholic dating sites make sense because it ensures that you come into contact with Catholics who are single. You get the added bonus of learning a great deal about the person before you ever start to communicate with them, which can help to prevent wasting both of your time.

There are advantages and disadvantages to anything, and that includes using the Internet for the purposes of marriage. But I think you get my point. God provides so many gifts and blessings; technology is one of them. How we use technology is another matter. The same technology used to provide pornography is used to provide a wholesome and powerful way to bring two good souls together in friendship, and perhaps love and marriage.

It is not playing God to use the Internet to meet someone any more than it is playing God to attend a church singles dance in hopes of finding a date. We are responsible to make efforts to help our own causes. God is then able to work on our behalf. It is foolish and unproductive to assume all the onus is on God to make something happen. And it is wrong to discount anything that makes sense as to where or how you might meet a suitable partner for marriage.

God is not that controlling when it comes to our destiny. He does not impose the person of our vocation on us. We have to be watchful for where this person might be and able to recognize this person when they come along. God is certainly involved with bringing people into our lives. But we MUST do our part. In these times when it is so very difficult to meet practicing Catholics in our every-day life, heroic actions like using the Internet and being open to a long distance relationship may be what is required.

That’s also why it is not wrong to join a secular website like Match.com or eHarmony. Though I don't personally care for those services for many reasons, I would never deny that God can work through these sites for Catholics (and I know He has).

My advice is to thank your friends for their advice and then don’t act on any of it. Join one or more of the Catholic dating sites and be a pearl of great value. There are many devout Catholics out there who will make wonderful spouses and parents. And remember, you are seeking a suitable partner, not perfection.