Catholic & Single How to date someone who fears divorce

Jan 19, 2011

Dear Anthony,

My girlfriend and I met on Ave Maria Singles six months ago and have been going great until recently. She started to become distant and says she is afraid of the whole relationship thing. She said she doesn’t want to get hurt like her mom (her father left the family after 20 years of marriage and got remarried). She says she can prevent being hurt that way in the future by not getting too involved in any relationship. I really want this to work but just don't know what to do at this point. Do you have any suggestions?

I’m sorry that you have to go through this. Poor girl. I feel bad for her. She is scarred by the divorce of her parents, and naturally does not want the same thing to happen to her. Unfortunately, she equates the failed marriage of her parents as being marriage itself. If it can happen to her parents, why couldn’t it happen to her?

It very well could happen to her. No one knows for certain that the person they marry won’t change on them or go as far as to give up on their marriage. No one knows if they might be the one to end it. Nothing is certain. And in this uncertainty lies the trust in one another, and the trust in God. Marriage is a great leap of faith.

No one goes into marriage thinking their marriage will fail, or that the person they are marrying will want to end it. Too many people today are going into their marriages with the possibility of divorce in the back of their minds, whether they know it or not. Divorce has affected countless people, and the effects of divorce are just as countless.

Your girlfriend’s fears are much bigger than you, so please don’t think there is anything you can directly do to help her outside of just being yourself. She needs some serious professional counseling to work through her serious trust issues. She does not trust you, or any man, to always be there; to not hurt her. In a way, she is right. We cannot depend on another human being for security, or to never let us down. Only God offers perfect security and will never hurt us or let us down. Only God can love us the way we desire and need. That's why Jesus focuses so much on forgiveness. It's because we will be needing to forgive others more than anything else, particularly our spouse.

How many times I have heard of someone in the relationship hitting that panic button when love starts to emerge in the relationship. It’s like they don’t think they deserve it. It’s too much responsibility. They are afraid of messing it up, or the other messing it up causing pain. They panic because they feel love just might not be worth the risk.

But love IS a risk. And it is worth every hurt that befalls a heart as a result of taking the risk. As Alfred Lord Tennyson so beautifully put it:

“I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”

It’s true! But some people cannot bear the thought of that kind of hurt. And they deceive themselves into thinking that avoiding love all together will keep them from being hurt. Yet, the very act of avoiding love causes its own pain, mostly self-inflicted. What a tragedy.

Your love for your girlfriend seems to be strong enough that you want to try and make it work somehow. I admire that. But you need to first know you take a very big risk if you ever marry someone who has unresolved serious trust issues. Trust is at the heart of a healthy and happy marriage. Without mutual trust, it is a rocky and unstable foundation, and anything can happen from there. So you have to make sure you want to take on that kind of risk.

If she can get the help and acknowledge her trust issues, she can then have the awareness and tools to deal with herself as the issue arises, thus working on herself in the process. It is not necessary to have issues resolved before marriage. Healing is a process, just as becoming a whole person is a process. Marriage is part of that process, not what comes after the process.

Be very careful not to attempt to be her counselor or therapist, or father for that matter. She will resent it. I’m sure you will be tempted to make the suggestion to her that she seek help. It would probably work if you have grown to a place where you are close enough friends that she would appreciate hearing what you think. If you are not at that point, perhaps you could seek out her parents or siblings and ask them to address seeking counseling. It’s very tricky.

For now, the best thing to do is be present to her, giving her every indication that you are willing to take things slowly (as slow as she needs), telling her that you understand why she would be concerned and not make her feel bad about where she is. Share with her that you will do what it takes as long as you can keep the relationship going. If you love her, you will patiently, gently, and quietly draw her closer to you by earning her trust. Your doing all this and enduring it over time will prove your love and help her trust you.

If after these efforts she just can’t do it and still wants to end her relationship with you, there is nothing more you can do. You will have to accept it and move on. Feel sorry for her and pray for her. You could love her from a distance, if you are so inclined and don’t want to yet give up, and have Masses said for her and say novenas for the two of you to work out somehow, etc. The grace of God is certainly at your disposal if you want to storm Heaven.
Ultimately, however, there is free will involved. God can do a lot of things, impossible things, including the softening of a hard heart. But He cannot make any person decide. Every person must act of their own free will. She might very well be incapable of making the free will decision of marriage at this time.

If this is the case, and after trying all you can try, be prepared to move on. Your heart might be broken, but God will take care of you and you will find love again.

As I said, marriage is a great leap of faith. But it is a risk worth taking. I pray that all those like your girlfriend who suffer from deep trust issues experience the healing love of the Eucharistic Lord, who daily puts His trust in us as he reposes so lovingly and loyally in all the tabernacles of the world under the appearance of bread in the Host. May we learn of this deep, profound trust and live it in our own lives with others.