Catholic & Single How to approach a cohabitating couple

Jan 12, 2011

Dear Anthony,

I just read advice you gave to a woman concerning dating a divorced man. I have a beautiful stepdaughter who is living with a divorced man who has two children. Please, can you give me, her stepmother, some practical advice on how to approach her on this subject, how to show her that I love her, but at the same time, not compromise the Truth. I do not want to create any more of a wedge between us.

What a difficult situation you are in. On the one hand, you know the truth of their cohabitation, and know you must say something to her. On the other hand, you don’t want to cause your relationship with her to be negatively affected.

Chances are good she already knows she is in a situation that is wrong (maybe she even knows that she is “living in sin” as it is known). Her desire to be with this man is stronger than her desire to do what is right, so it will be a very tough thing to convince her to end this relationship and move out.

However, you never know, and these kinds of assumptions must not stop Christians from doing what they know they need to do and are compelled to do in good conscience. It might be the case that she really does not know that what she is doing is wrong, and your addressing it with her could be the thing that prompts her to act appropriately.

I will share an option with you, which is to talk with her. It might be that you don’t feel comfortable, or not equipped or prepared to be effective. So you might ask her if she would talk to a good priest you know, or someone you know who really knows this subject matter. Or maybe you can give her a good book or pamphlet, or a tape by a good speaker, etc. These are not as effective of a step as talking with her yourself.

Taking the approach of talking with her, the first place to always start with these situations is to acknowledge that we are not God; God is God. So we must not think that it is our responsibility to change the situation, or that it is us who does it. If any good is going to come from this situation, it will be accomplished by God. Maybe God will use you to help your stepdaughter, and maybe He won’t. You are open to it, and that is much.

Secondly, we must acknowledge that the Holy Spirit is working on her and she is where she is in her relationship with the Holy Spirit. It is never for any of us to decide where someone else should be in their journey toward God. We might not like what someone is doing, but only God knows all the facts to judge the person. So you must approach her with gentleness and a posture of respect for her free will and her right to be moved by the Holy Spirit as she is open to it.

Thirdly, we have to have some credibility with the person. If we don’t, nothing we do will be affective. In fact, we could do more harm than good if we are not someone the person respects, admires, loves, etc. So if you have a good rapport and relationship with her, and you believe she would sit down with you to talk, then that is good.

The way we say things is just as important, if not more, as what we are saying. You can’t just sit down with her and blurt out that she is living in sin. That will not go over well. You have to consider who she is and what she might be open to hearing.

At the same time, you don’t want to sugar coat it, nor make light of it. You might consider taking her out for coffee some place that is comfortable, welcoming, and kind of public. Invite her by saying you would like to get together and talk with her. Once together, start by talking about some good times and fond memories. Anything that would make the gathering relaxing. At some point, ask her if you could talk to her about her and the man she lives with. If she is amenable to it, then proceed. If not, try and convince her that it is for your benefit to talk about it because you really must get it off your chest, and if she would be kind enough to give you this time. Permission from someone to talk about something that is a delicate matter pertaining to their life is a big help.

When you have the green light to proceed, first ask her how this relationship is going. Allow her to share that. Ask her if she ever gives any thought about whether it is right or wrong to be living with someone before marriage. She will likely say yes. But if no, then you can share your feelings about it based on the Church’s teachings about marriage. If she does say yes, ask her what kind of thoughts about it she has. Allow her time to explain her struggle about the matter.

At some point, you will need to tell her that you invited her out because in your heart and soul, you are troubled about her cohabitation with this man because you love her so much and only want what is best for her. Explain that it has nothing at all to do with him, nor even for their love for each other. If you are so prepared, you might share with her that statistics show overwhelmingly that the majority of people who live together before marriage actually never get married.

It is this end you desire to spare her of, along with your love for her and for God enough to want to reach out to her with what you believe, as well as appealing to her own faith. End the gathering by telling her how much you love her no matter what, and how welcome she is, and that you will always respect her. But do say one more time that you would like her to consider the truth of the situation and that you will be praying for her.

This is just one example of many approaches to this situation. The specifics will differ with everyone, but the principles are the same. You need to make time to talk to her, take a gentle and non-judgmental approach, ask questions so she gets to share her position, be understanding of that position, and share with her that this is important to you to share how you feel and what you believe.