Catholic & Single Are you dating someone 'too' Catholic?

Dec 15, 2010

Dear Anthony,

In your article about Lino Rulli, you said he said he does not want someone who is “too” Catholic. Define “too Catholic.” What exactly does that mean? Going to Mass every Sunday? Praying the Rosary everyday? No contraception? Volunteering for pro-life causes? Please enlighten me.

An excellent question, thank you. I felt the same way you do when I first heard him say that. But I was just on his show again and this very thing came up, so I asked him again, “Lino, what do you mean by too Catholic?”

He gave me a satisfactory answer. He does not want someone who will judge him for not praying the rosary every day when she does, or make him feel bad in any way for how he chooses to express his Catholic faith.

I can understand this. I told him that his choice of words is wrong, because technically you can never be “too” Catholic. Catholic is Catholic. And the deeper you go in an authentically Catholic life, the better. What he really means is someone with false piety; what I like to call a “pious fraud.” This would be someone who measures everyone else’s Catholic faith by their own expression. Wherever they are, everyone else should be.

Being judgmental, harsh, imposing, negative, insistent, or stand-offish to another is hardly being Catholic. People who have this way are going backwards. It is non-Catholic behavior.

The Holy Spirit works on every individual, and each individual has their own journey. Every other person is merely to be an instrument of grace, not God Himself. We are called to be examples primarily, not control freaks of piety. We inspire others because we are walking proof that Jesus is with us. We are not the authority of another, just their humble servant. We leave the judging to Christ, while following the Lord’s example of mercy to all.

Yes, we are to admonish the sinner, but with fear and trembling. We better make darn sure that the WAY we admonish is considered as much, if not more, as what is admonished. We are never to come across like it is something we ourselves are incapable of or have never done. St. Augustine said, “If not for the grace of God, there go I” when pointing out a sinner. He means that we are all capable of any sin, so admonish the sin while showing love for the sinner.

Lino also mentioned he did not want someone who talks about God all the time, or needs God to be in every conversation. That would be “too Catholic” for him. I think I understand his point. Many people find it annoying if someone is only interested in talking about Theology or overtly religious things, and show no interest in anything else. There is nothing wrong with talking about boat racing, for example, and there is no need to make sure you say things like “Isn’t it something that Jesus went on a boat just like we are able to do” and try and redirect the conversation on a religious sounding path.

I have come across people who are like this. God bless them, it is the way they are. God willing, the men and women like this find each other and have lasting happiness in marriage. Otherwise, they will be a turnoff to most other people who find it uncomfortable or weird to bring God into everything.

It’s important to be a balanced, well rounded, interesting person. God created the world and everything in it for us to enjoy. He is “in” everything, so it is not necessary to speak of Him all the time. Sharing the things of this life honors God who wanted us to have variety and depth.

To be Catholic is to acknowledge God in everything in our hearts. You can never be too Catholic. However, we don’t want to be people who don’t ever want to have those kinds of religious conversations. In fact, it makes total sense that two Catholic people dating would have many wonderful conversations about God and their Catholic Faith, and that they would pray together, visit churches together, attend Mass together, and more.

Are we off the hook now? Having established that no one should be judgmental of us, we can’t just say that where we are in the faith is good enough? On the contrary, it is the love of Christ living in and through the person we are dating that should draw out our own faith. We should want someone in our life that is going to challenge us, help us to become a better person, make us accountable for ourselves.

One of the most important reasons to get married is so you stop being your own authority on your life and give your life in full to your spouse and your children. Once you commit to another in marriage, you are one body, and therefore must stop thinking of just yourself.

Included in this gift of self is the dependency on God’s grace to accomplish the mission of serving others in marriage. You need grace. You need growth. A good spouse will help you grow, whether through the pleasant ways like praying together with you and other challenges to spiritual growth, or through the sufferings that come naturally just by living with other people. Both provide wonderful opportunities to obtain the grace we need to grow as an individual, thus empowering us to service.

“Too Catholic” is just a cop-out term. You cannot go far enough or deep enough as the Holy Spirit inspires love in your heart. It’s like saying of your spouse that they are “too loved.” There is no such thing. Love calls us to go deeper and grow greatly. So does our faith, because it is founded on love. But we can’t get out of hand, nor lose sight of reality. We live in the world, and we dwell among people. We have to be careful not to come across strange as we grow in our faith. Maintaining a balance between how we express our faith and how we experience other aspects of our life will go a much longer way in being attractive to others, and thus leading them to Christ.

The vocation to marriage is a practical vocation that is lived out in the world. If you need to pray all the time, talk only about God, and only be doing directly religious things or charity work, then perhaps you are called to the religious life. For dating and marriage, however, life has to have more variety and address many things of this world. It should be fun and exciting.

There is so much that life has to offer that are gifts from God to be experienced and enjoyed. We need only acknowledge they come from God in order to please Him and and for Him to know of your love.