Catholic & Single It's not about being good enough

Jul 28, 2010

In the past two posts we have discussed being “good enough” for someone you are dating. This is a temptation that many experience.  It’s easy to cut yourself down, or put someone on a pedestal.  

Another temptation is to look at couple and make judgements about their relationship. How often have you heard someone say (or you yourself said) that someone is too good for the person they are with, or out of the other person’s league?  This kind of comment comes from a sense that we all have of knowing something about that person, and what we know about relationships.

We should not be so quick to come to conclusions about the dynamics of any couple’s relationship, no matter how close one of the persons is to ourselves.  One, God ultimately knows the two persons involved and has His hand on things.  Two, we cannot underestimate the power we have to influence that relationship.  Three, we might be wrong, no matter how convinced we are.

We all have experienced a happily married couple about whom we say, “I cannot understand what she sees in him” (or him in her).  This comment is saying that we would never have put those two together, nor thought they could be happy, due to what we perceive are obvious differences that “should” make their relationship a disaster. 

This is where we should pause and say, “Ah, love is a mystery beyond any human understanding.”  What brings two people together is a mystery. God works in mysterious ways.  The happiness of certain couples baffle us because we are only observers.   God may have used us to influence the situation, but we are not part of the workings of the Holy Spirit on the two individuals.

When love hits two persons and draws them together, these individuals are enhanced, leading to a change that outsiders who know either of them as individuals might find hard to accept.  We lose a part of ourselves when a close friend or sibling falls in love, because they are drawn away from us.  We cannot be so possessive of someone that we disrupt their vocation.  We need to accept and encourage. 

If we understood what was happening, we would know that the love our friend or sibling has found will enhance them.  The sacrifice is that you will never have the same relationship with that person.  It will be different.  You will be tempted to dislike it because after all, none of us really take change well.  But if you embrace the movement of this mystery happening before your eyes, you will find that whatever change comes in your relationship with this person, it is worth it.

Too many people interpret their problem with change as being an inspiration that the person taking their friend or sibling from them is dangerous.  So they become suspicious and try to poke holes in the relationship.

That is not our job as observers of the mystery of love.  Yes, you can offer advice or opinions, but check your motives.  Is your opinion coming from a pure hearted desire for that person’s happiness, or do you have an agenda?   Is it really your job or role to approve of the choice your friend, sibling, or child makes in marriage?

It is not an easy thing to step outside of ourselves.  We can’t know why love happens to someone.   We want what is best for that person.  This requires that we accept the change.  What you think you might know about your friend, sibling, child might change drastically when they are on the road to marriage. The most successful couples bring out the best in each other, because they have a love and respect that is grounded in their strong faith in God.  They allow each other to grow more and more in consuming each other.  The flames of love require full consumption of two persons into one. 

In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis says, “What can you ever really know of other people's souls - of their temptations, their opportunities, their struggles? One soul in the whole creation you do know: and it is the only one whose fate is placed in your hands.”  At the end of our lives, we have to answer to the Lord for our own actions, the way we lived our own life.  

This does not include being responsible for every person that we know. We are responsible for our own actions.  We all have to be true to ourselves.  A good friend will offer advice, but then will accept the decisions of their friend, and love them all the same. 

Is our loved one really out of the league of the person he or she is dating?  Is that person really not “good enough”?   Do we really want the job of influencing the outcome of the relationships of others and stand before God to be judged for our influence?   

We have to assume God’s hand in couples determined to marry, and assume the good intentions of the two people.  It’s not about being good enough.  It is about being committed to the mystery of love God has begun and wants to see through for a lifetime.  It’s about being imperfect together, and by God’s grace, living love for the sake of each other.

As sinners, you could say we are all in the same league - the league of being imperfect; and certainly out of league with God, who loves and knows us perfectly.  We struggle to come to know ourselves, let alone someone else.  Only God really knows us completely.  A couple moving toward marriage want to be caught up in that discovery process of each other as God leads them.

Let’s be concerned less with judging other couples, and improve ourselves.  Let’s not be quick to speak or act hastily on our instincts about another couple.  Pray to God that you do not do anything against His will.

As we work to improve ourselves and grow in faith and holiness, we will become good people, and God will work in our own lives as He wills.  Go before the Eucharistic Lord asking, “what do you want from me?”  The Lord who taught us to ask, to seek, and to knock will surely answer our questions that we bring to Him in true humility.  And we will have the peaceful countenance of joy that influences others in a positive way. Everything we do, we should do with joy and pure motives.   Loving someone when we think they are making a mistake, or even when they are unlovable is hard work.   These moments are not only gifts from God, they are tests meant to help us grow in holiness.

We release our loved ones to God, for they are His responsibility.  He is in control, not us.  Let’s be a positive influence on those we love as they make their decision on a person to share their life with in marriage.  Let’s make the sacrifice of what we want and expect so that we are more open to accept the changes in our loved ones who move on toward their vocation.