Both Oars In Faced with Myself

Mar 26, 2010

I recently read Joel Stein’s tongue-in-cheek column [Time March 29, 2010] about his joy at finding out that his son, Laszlo, is genetically more influenced by him than his wife. Evidently, for a relatively small amount of money and a bit of saliva, one can secure (or lose) parental boasting rights. The days of relying on the unscientific, subjective statement by a friend or family member that your son or daughter favors you are gone. For $499, you can be sure, down to the genome.

Of course, Mr. Stein has, at least momentarily, overlooked the impact of nurture on human development. In the end, a person is not solely the product of his or her original nature. Our creation continues long after our birth. People, environment, education and choices play a large role in who we will finally become. Looking back from mid-life, I would say our neonatal nature is only a stepping off point, not a AAA Triptik.  

Therefore, parental influence continues long after the initial genetic donation, which means Mr. Stein’s competition with his wife is far from over. I would say that this will be especially true for little Laszlo, given the Steins’ decision to have his drool tested as an infant. One can only imagine the coaching he is in for on his college application. Laszlo may want to retain a privacy lawyer and look up B. F. Skinner’s grandkids for advice on how to deal with overly involved parents.

Even less neurotic parents have a lot of influence on their child’s development. Until we take the driver’s seat as captains of our destiny, which occurs at about two in the modern child, our parents make a lot of life forming decisions for us. These early choices mold our supple brains and start us on certain paths. Certainly, these choices have more influence on who we become than our chromosomal map.

Schooling is one such choice. My parents allowed me to go to a private boarding school for high school and supported me in studying classics in university. I am sure I have some genes that drive me automatically, but what I learned in these institutions has helped me curb the more aberrant ones and refine the few positive ones I may have. My parents’ contribution to my education definitely outweighs their initial investment in my physical being.

Faith is another post-chromosomal gift. Thanks to my mom’s constant recognition of God’s role in our lives, I live by faith more than by impulse—and my family history suggests I have some pretty strong impulses to ignore. There is no doubt that my work habits are bit indicative of a prewired drive, but why I work and the direction I have chosen for my work is all grace. If not for those early discussion about the Divine with my mom, I may have never had this influence in my life.     

Parents also provide a lot of the early input that guide our later choices. My dad never parked illegally when I was growing up. I remember him pointing out an $800 error to his disadvantage to a car salesman. I can still see him standing at the door of my childhood home listening intently as he was informed that our good friend, bus driver, and waterman had just lost his hand in a farm accident. If I have any criminal genes or genetic tendencies toward selfishness, my dad’s approach to life made sure they have stayed unexpressed. 

I am not sure whom my children resemble more. The uniqueness of each person distorts the mirror a bit, but I have seen glimpses of myself from time to time. Honestly, I hope for their sakes that there is more of their mother in them than me. But, I have to say that I did feel a bit of pride when my oldest son said, albeit in a somewhat angered voice, “What do you expect, Dad? I am just like you.”  What a thought—what a compliment it is to be a contributor to another life regardless of the proportion.