Catholic & Single What should I do when I find myself becoming attracted to an old friend?

Oct 5, 2009

Dear Anthony,

 

I’m a single woman and I’ve been good friends with a single man for several years. Lately I find myself comparing other men to him and seeing that no one measures up, and I feel upset whenever he talks about other women. And now, in addition to the emotional attraction, I find myself attracted to him physically. I have no idea how he would feel about all this, though, and I’m afraid to find out. Where do I go from here?

 

It sounds like you are in love. And that means you want to move forward to the next level with this man and things will never be the same again. You have to accept that reality. Things will never be the same! There is no going back to “the way it was”. You are attracted to him in every way and you now cannot see your life without him. It is probably that reality that keeps you from addressing this with him because you are afraid to lose him.

 

Unfortunately, you are going to have to risk losing him. You really don’t have a choice. There is no going back. You are in love. The problem with having these kinds of movements and feelings is sometimes you don’t know if the other feels the same and wants to move in the same direction. You want to believe this is what God wants and trust it, but what if it does not work out? Of course you are going to feel upset whenever he talks about other women. You can’t stand the thought of him being with someone else. But if he does not feel the same as you do, it makes sense that he would talk to other women. So it is a real dilemma.

 

It seems to me you have only two options: 1) You tell him. 2) You stop communication with him completely. It’s obvious you can’t just remain friends with him, so these are your only two options. My advice is that you call him and tell him what you wrote me. Share with him how you have come to the point where you can’t see your life without him and how you get upset when he talks about other women. Tell him you did not look for this, but it has happened that you are attracted to him in every way and you measure every other man against him, and no one else compares. Tell him you have no choice but that you need the two of you to become more than friends, because your friendship has grown so deeply that it only makes sense that it go deeper.

 

Yes, this is a big risk. But you have no choice. You must take that risk. You may very well find out he has felt the same way but was afraid you were not at all interested in that way. Or he might only recognize that you make perfect sense about the two of you ONLY after you bring all this up. Men can be like this: either afraid to bring up something so risky lest he lose the woman, or blind to what is “really” going on in the relationship and in need of a wake-up call. Either way, your bringing this up is a good thing, not a bad thing. No matter what the outcome is, you would be doing the right thing. To do nothing is only going to do more damage, and for a much longer time than it has to go on.

 

For both of your sakes, you need to tell him. So call him as soon as possible, and tell him. You can’t “not know” any longer. That will drive you crazy. Even if he does not share your feelings and you lose him, at least you will know. That is so much better than not knowing and living a life of wondering, and trying to be two different people while keeping your relationship with him.

 

I know you feel that at this point in your life you could not live without him and do not want to risk the unhappiness of losing him. That is going to tempt you not to take the action you must. But pray to the Holy Spirit to give you courage to do this and the right words that need to be said. Ask Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to give you peace in the outcome, no matter what it is. If you do lose this man after telling him your feelings, you will be in a position for God to lead you toward where you need to be led, and to whom you need to be led. As it is now, you are fixed in every way on this particular man, so you really cannot do anything else until you address things with him. God willing, this will be the man you “should” be with. You will not know that, however, until you take the risk.

 

Love is a risk. If you love this man, then you will risk it all. God will reward you for it, and He will get you through it. But if your vocation is to marriage, you cannot keep this friendship going on any longer because it will keep you from being open to another man who will be available and interested in loving you, and you will be available to receive that love and give it in return.

 

One last very important thing. If after you tell him your feelings he tells you he does not feel the same way, he may very likely ask that you both remain friends. You have to consider this carefully and prayerfully. I have already stated that I believe there is no going back because you are in love and you will likely never stop hurting to know that you cannot be anything more with this man than just his friend. And in the name of moving forward for your vocation, it does not make sense to me that you continue with a friendship that will distract you. I suppose that is what I am asking you to prayerfully consider; namely, will this man distract you from your vocation and moving on? Take it to Jesus and allow Him to enlighten you. Love is about making the hard decisions, too. And sometimes, if we really love someone, we have to let them go.

 

But let’s hope it does not come to that. One thing at a time. Pray hard and get the courage to tell him. You have to do it. I will be praying for you, too.

 

Yours in Christ,

 

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Anthony