Catholic & Single Should we wait to get married or break up and then get back together?

Aug 5, 2009

Dear Anthony,

I am in a relationship with a man who is about to enter the military, and I will be leaving for graduate school. Do you think it would be wise for us to remain together during the next three years if we won’t be getting married until after that? Or would it be better for us to break up and get back together when we are able to marry?

It sounds to me like neither of you is serious about marriage at this time. If you believe you are meant to be together in marriage, perhaps you should be considering getting married before he leaves. But you should NOT consider this unless you are ready to conceive a child. Therefore, you would have to be ready to put aside going to graduate school. Breaking up with the intention of getting back together once he returns is not in the spirit of Catholic courtship. You both owe it to God and to each other, because of what God has begun in you both, to take the relationship forward, not backward. Breaking up should be done only if there is good reason why it will not work out, and with the intention of not getting back together. Obviously, if two people find their way to each other again after breaking up, that is another matter. But your motives seems to be to break up for no reason, even while things are going well.

Many good couples and marriages have had to deal with the challenges of long distance and time in between seeing each other. If you both have a vocation to marriage, it is always my opinion to seek to get into it sooner rather than later. His being in the military and having to leave for duty is a good reason why you two need to be apart, but there is no reason not to get married before he leaves if you believe that is what God wants you to do and you love each other. However, if you feel it is more practical to remain unmarried until he returns and you want to wait for him, then that is fine, too. If you really want to go to graduate school and that is more important than getting married soon and possibly getting pregnant while your husband goes away for military duty, then that says a lot as well.

I guess what I am saying here is, have you considered getting married and taking things as they come? If you have and you determined that is too risky, then obviously you will not get married before he leaves, nor before you finish graduate school. The next question is, "Am I willing to wait for him and for us to get married, and not date anyone else?" If you are willing to do this, then you don't break up and you wait the three years to plan your marriage.

I don't think breaking up is an option because you don't seem to have a good reason to do so. As long as you are going to graduate school, you are not available for marriage, so why date anyone else? People who date need to be open to marrying when the relationship gets to that point. Catholics are not people who break up with another person just because it seems convenient, and especially not when there is nothing wrong with the relationship. You would live to regret breaking up, I believe.

So my advice is to choose to get married before he leaves, or make a commitment to each other to be engaged to be married and do so after he returns and you are done with graduate school. Either of these is beautiful, and very Catholic. Both show a decision to make a commitment. Again, this is all assuming you both love each other and have no real reason to break up (from a marriage point of view). In other words, have either of you determined the other is not for you when it comes to a future spouse? If the answer is no, then do not break up. Hang on. Build your relationship long-distance and over time. Or get married. Either way, keep making those commitment moves.