Catholic & Single Is my being kind and chivalrous turning away women?

Jul 15, 2009

Dear Anthony,

I am a single practicing Catholic in my early twenties and feel lonely, depressed, and rejected. I have always been a gentleman, acting kind and chivalrous to the ladies I’ve met, but I can’t find anyone who could be suitable potential spouse. Is it because I’m too kind and chivalrous? Do I have to have the image of a "bad boy" so that ladies will notice me?

Thank you for sharing these frustrations, and I certainly understand them very well. I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard to be ready for your vocation but not able to find the right person to make that commitment with. I know what you mean about feeling that you should be something you are not, namely, having that "bad boy" image. I think you are right that for many women this is attractive. The sad thing, however, is that this is NOT what they really want for love and marriage. They are just attracted to it because these "wrong" men have certain key qualities that women want in a man. The biggest one is confidence. These men tend to be very confident. They are not afraid to approach a woman, and they know how to flatter a woman, compliment a woman, and flirt with a woman. A confident man makes a woman feel secure. Sadly, these "wrong" men do not offer real security but rather a false sense of it. What a good Catholic woman really wants, but many don't seem to realize it, is a man like you who is a gentleman, kind and chivalrous. The adage that "nice guys finish last" does not seem to be too far off.

I think if Catholic men were not afraid to loosen up a bit more, display a confidence in themselves and a fearlessness about approaching a woman, then it would compliment their qualities as gentlemen and being chivalrous. Catholic men need to know how to make a woman feel special through flattery and flirtation. However, it must also be sincere so as not to lead a woman on, as these "wrong" men do. They should never be just "lines" said to make the woman react. They should always be sincere and have truth behind them. A woman ultimately wants to feel unique and special. But confidence in a man and his ability to show leadership is the first step for women, typically.

I want to encourage you that there is great reason for hope. You are still young, so you have plenty of time to keep working at finding that suitable partner you are praying for. And by all means, do not give up being a gentleman. I assume you are also a strong Catholic man in your faith, too. These are all very important qualities in a man, and there are certainly many women out there who are seeking that.

The problem might be that the women in your age group tend to not really be open to their vocation at this point in their lives. Some say that they are, but they really are not, based on how they are living their lives. So many are not really "available", but they still want to date. Just because someone is open to going on a date does not mean she is open to love and marriage. It's hard to tell who is open and who is not at the younger ages.

I really think this is where online dating plays a major role in today's world. With a trustworthy online dating site like Ave Maria Singles, you can have access to many women and know so much about who they are and who they are seeking before you ever make an initial contact. Then, once you communicate with them, you can tell even better where they stand and how available they are. Those who approach online dating correctly tend to have success finding a suitable partner and they have no regrets about all that it took to have the happiness they enjoy now.

If you are really ready to make a commitment to a good Catholic woman and get into your vocation, I think online dating is going to help you a great deal. Obviously, I cannot promise you will meet someone and get married, but your opportunities will be much more plentiful. And the women on a Catholic site like ours are absolutely looking for a gentleman who is kind and chivalrous. Consider attending our trips or retreats as well. What an opportunity it is to meet solid Catholic women (and there always seem to be more women than men on our trips) in person and in a spiritual and chaste environment. You can see what trips and events are coming up by going to the AMS home page; they are listed at the top.

I hope this helps. Please stay close to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and to Our Lady. Persevere. Keep moving forward. Don't despair. And by all means, do NOT allow these understandable negative feelings you are having tempt you to become a person who is not a healthy prospect for sacramental marriage.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony