Both Oars In Manners and Civility

Apr 17, 2009

I know that my mother is going to ask for equal time in response to my venturing onto this topic. However, just as reformed smokers are often the most virulent advocates for "no smoking" laws, I am an earnest advocate for teaching social manners in school. I will not lie. Like the song says, I have seen life from both sides on this issue. But, if previous sin were an obstacle to preaching, there would be a lot of silence in church—and far less words on the editorial page.

Before launching into the basis for suggesting that an "M" be added to the three "Rs," I want to make it clear that I am impressed with the clean, well-disciplined schools my four children attend locally, namely Keowee Elementary and Walhalla Middle and High School. I am sure that the teachers at these schools are doing their best to teach students manners on the fly. It shows in the good behavior of the children—behavior I have witnessed firsthand on my periodic visits.

However, teaching good manners, especially in today’s culture, needs to go beyond sporadically reminding children to be polite and say "Yes, Ma’am" and "No, Sir." Beating the counter trend for rude, crude and self-centered behavior, typified by the Simpsons, South Park, The Office and many overindulged athletes and performers, requires an actual course in good behavior. There is even the recent introduction of profanity to golf! Unfortunately, the PGA’s Tiger does more than growl.

After all, good manners go far beyond simple niceties. They are the foundation for our social system. Their study should be approached as scientifically and studiously as any other aspect of human psychology. Also important, young people today want to know "why" before they buy into things. A serious course in manners would provide not only the "how," but the "why." In a serious course, our youth could learn that good manners are the basis for a civil society, not just how to speak to grandma.

Good manners do matter. When my elderly neighbor taught me that "my sister" would go first in choosing whatever was being offered that day, I learned deference. Understanding when and why to show deference to another person is an important social skill. It is at the root of both charity and justice. Being able to allow another person to go first is as essential to good traffic circulation as it is to the second most important commandment: love your neighbor.

You might think, "Certainly we don’t need a course in school to teach something as simple as letting another person go first. Do we?" Well, why does it take a police officer to empty a church parking lot after Mass? And, The U.S. Congress, of all bodies, to reign in greed?

This may seem a bit frivolous, but how can we expect to adhere to more complex Christian ethics, such as the preferential option for the poor, if we have lost our sense of deference at its simplest levels? So, maybe it would help to teach that in school.

How about the basic rules for inviting a person to dinner or a social event? Certainly, we know how to extend an invitation and stick to it. Yet, texting has moved our young people into the "endless option" mode. If you think derivatives are complex, talk to a teenager about his or her plans for the weekend. You will find your head swimming: "But, I thought you said you were going to the movies with Bill. Who is Mary anyway? How can you do both things?" Texting is toxic. The possibility of immediate connection has eroded the value of commitment. Virtual has trumped real—sound familiar? In this case, it is our social worth that is being plundered.

A course in manners would teach the value of putting intentions into writing and making invitations in advance. Our youth would learn the importance of sticking to a social engagement. We question the commitment of today’s CEOs to the common good, wring our hands over the divorce rate and the disintegration of the family unit; however, what hope is there for maintaining these grander social contracts if our children can’t even make and stick to the simple ones?

It is in our national interest that our children be taught manners. Maybe some of the stimulus funds could be dedicated to support manners courses and hire people of remarkable manners to teach them. It would be great to see some of our tax dollars go directly to the most patient, polite and civil among us. While we are waiting for the national cadre of competent Miss and Mr. Manners to be recruited, I urge us all to be a little more civil ourselves. I ask this with all the verve and vigor of a recently reformed social boor.