Catholic & Single What singles can learn about St. Joseph

Mar 24, 2009

My son and I share the name of Joseph in our names. My name is Anthony Joseph, and his is Joseph Anthony. He is 5 years old and he was very excited to go to Mass with me this morning for our feast day (March 19), and then go to breakfast afterward. As any good Catholics, we love St. Joseph in our house, and we will feast greatly today (the kids, of course, being excited that it is not a day of Lent and they can have dessert after dinner).

As our priest was giving his reflections about St. Joseph, I could not help but think about how many times I have heard single Catholic women tell me they are looking for their St. Joseph, and how many complaints from women I have heard over the years that they have a hard time finding a man whom they believe emulates the person of St. Joseph.

I have often wondered if that is not a lot of pressure to put on men. After all, no woman alive can possibly emulate the Blessed Virgin Mary and men have to settle for a woman who is of less holiness, so why should a man be expected to be like St. Joseph? Perhaps that is a cop-out. I suppose it is, as long as men and women are not seriously and literally looking for a man or a woman who is like the Blessed Mother or St. Joseph. These are two human beings whom no one can imagine ever sinning in their lives (we know for certain Our Lady never did, and though we don’t know that for certain about St. Joseph, who would dare consider him doing anything serious?).

Since it is a true-blue sinner that every woman will certainly marry, I wonder if it is not a bit dangerous to say, "I’m looking for my St. Joseph." And for men, it might be just as dangerous to make St. Joseph your benchmark to determining if you are ready for marriage.

So, assuming now that you are past the literal sense of finding your St. Joseph, and knowing for certain you will be marrying a sinner, no matter what man it is, let’s look a little closer at St. Joseph and what single men and women can learn about him to help them with the dating process towards marriage.

Obviously, we don’t know much about St. Joseph. He is mentioned very little in Scripture. What do we know for sure? The Scriptures tell us he was a "just man." Let’s stop right there. I don’t think sufficient reflection is given to this statement. Our pastor this morning spoke on this, and it was dead-on. He said that if you consider what "just" means, you have all you need to know about St. Joseph, because everything else about how he lived can be easily figured out.

And that’s true! How many of us men can say we are "just"? To be just means to be totally, completely on the side of righteousness, in all we do, in all we say, in all we think. And from the purity of the just existence flows an absolute capacity to love. The Lord loves the just man, says the Scriptures. The just man is a man in complete harmony with God’s will.

So we know that St. Joseph was a man in complete harmony with God. That means in all his thoughts, words and actions he loved God and neighbor. How could it be otherwise? It is a life of honesty and uprightness. That is a wonderful goal for all men to strive for. It’s a bit intimidating, though, because none of us men can actually achieve that. Men are too self-serving for that to happen. No matter much of a good man we become or can become, men are tainted with a tendency toward preoccupation with self-interests. And that gets us into trouble. Some have it worse than others. Some are closer to St. Joseph than others. But in the end, no man alive is a "just" man. At best, we are close to being just, but never absolutely.

Because it is not absolute, we do some unjust things at times. Therefore, women have to understand that a man can be a good man, capable of fulfilling marriage vows and duties, and loving and serving his woman, but he will never measure up to St. Joseph in being just.

What is it that women want to see most in men that makes them say, "I want to find my St. Joseph"? I can tell you first what they don’t mean. They don’t want a man who will never have "relations" with them inside of marriage. What an amazing and singular grace St. Joseph must have had to agree to a life of celibacy within marriage; a life without ever having natural children of his own. But though these realities for St. Joseph are not to be duplicated, it does show how just he was and that a man is capable of being what he needs to be in order to serve.

That is exactly what women are looking for in a man. They want to see proof during the dating process that the man is interested in her and in others, even at the expense of disrupting what he was originally planning or desiring. It’s so very easy for a man to be pleasing to a woman when it does not conflict with his self-interests. But it is totally unattractive for a woman to see a man disturbed at any level whenever things do not go as he expects. Obviously, this goes for women as well as with men. But men are not as deflated by this in women as women are with men.

What is happening is that men do not like it anymore that they have to be the one to serve and make the adjustments. They want the women to do that sometimes (maybe even all the time). Yet, deep down, they DO want to be like St. Joseph in this way. They do want it! There are so many reasons why they have this conflict, but it is time that they realize that they can do it, and should do it. And the only way to acquire such a selfless serving attitude is to radically practice it until it becomes a habit of life.

St. Joseph was a "just man." He didn’t try to be. He was! It was a habit of life for him. It came naturally to him. Though men will never have this just quality be completely natural to them, they can definitely get to the point where it comes easier to them, and whenever they struggle at times with it, they will recover quickly. It takes time. For many, it takes a lifetime.

And that is my final point (and it is directed towards the women). Your St. Joseph will come to you only within marriage, and not before. It takes practicing a life of selflessness in order to get to that level. So don’t turn away a man because he shows some selfish qualities, especially sexual ones. That is in all men. A man in love will adjust, but not as quickly as you would like.

They key is to find a man who is working on this and is willing to say he is sorry. Yes, avoid the men who are perpetually selfish individuals. No need to waste time. But do give it some time. There are a lot of good men out there with a lot of potential. If you are not too hard on men during a short time span, you will likely discover over some time a man who can make progress. That is a man worth marrying and giving the opportunity to become more like St. Joseph in the context of marriage, which is really the only way most men can.