Men are casualties just as much as women are, unfortunately. But because men are the ones, in the end, that have to ask women on dates, and ask a woman for her hand in marriage, they can't allow excuses to "excuse" them. They have to find a way to answer their questions and solve their issues and problems, or we will continue to see marriages suffer, and marriages not happen. The dating process and marriage itself are acts of "free will". There must be more action, decision-making, choosing, and most of all, acceptance and living with decision. The abuse of free will is the sad condition of fallen human nature. That's what makes us all sinners, and why all people who marry must understand they are marrying a sinner, not a saint. But free will can never be about holding off making decisions until we know we are going to make the right decision. Knowing the outcome of an action is not a requirement to taking action. Prudence must be part of decision-making, but prudence is about taking action with right judgment, not about putting off decisions.
Marriage is definitely a decision that must be made without foreknowledge of the outcome. In other words, it is a risk. No one alive can ever know for certain that the person they marry will keep their vows or never change on them. Is that a scary reality? Yes. Is it a good reason to break up with someone or call off an engagement, or worse, end a marriage? No. An act of our free will has consequences, and life is about uncertainty. We take action in our life. That's a must. We learn from our mistakes. But we can never break our word, or run from our duties and responsibilities. This is what I believe is happening with many marriages as well as with single people. It doesn't feel right, or there is uncertainty, and these are interpreted as definite signs that no action should be taken, or that a bad decision could be made.
Men, as you have described from the experiences that have you so frustrated and concerned, seem to me to be in a crisis. Whether they know it or not, are guilty or victims, or are doing anything about it or not, they seem to be going through something that is affecting their vocation, which is affecting the vocation of others (namely, women). I have listened to them talk about the issues they have with women and trying to find a woman, as well as with their vocation, with their situations or jobs/careers, with their own manhood, and even with other men. They have many defenses against the things that women try to accuse them of. So they need help in many ways, but they also want to be understood. That's valid, and understandable.
But the fact is that men who are called to marriage have a serious responsibility and duty to choose a wife. It has to do with becoming a saint and with co-creating and leading other saints to heaven. “Becoming a saint” because our vocations are where we find the easier path to personal sanctity. If this is a man’s vocation (and it is for the majority of men), then being married is key to his salvation. Those of us who are married can attest to the fact that every day we are called to live outside of ourselves and our own personal wants and desires in order to be of service to our families. We also attest to the reality of becoming who we are really meant to be in Christ as we serve daily, and fail daily, in our duties. We recognize things about ourselves we never knew before. Everyone in their vocation does.
"Co-creating and leading other saints" because in marriage, together the two follow God's command (not request, but command) to "be fruitful and multiply". The duty of a man is to make a woman a mother. That is the literal definition of the word "matrimony": to confect motherhood. Therefore, "Holy Matrimony" implies a sacred institution that a man and a woman are privileged to be a part of, where a man makes a woman a mother, and in turn makes himself a father. (Those who can't have natural children will exercise their parental call as a couple in other ways, but we won't get into that here.) Life itself is about parenting. Those who are not parenting in some way (i.e., this can be by directly or indirectly helping children in some way or adults who are children in the faith, etc.) are just living for themselves, which leads to a temptation to become selfish. Those not married have to be doing something that helps others, or they just live for themselves.
Our vocations are the great safeguard against growing in selfishness, and the way we become selfless persons and thus grow in sanctity. St. Alphonsus Liguori says that though it is possible for a person who does not get into their vocation (or chooses the wrong vocation) to get to heaven, it is definitely harder for them. It's easier in your vocation because you are daily compelled to serve those in your community or who are entrusted to your care. While not in your vocation, it is too easy to step away for a time or indefinitely to anything or anyone. Again, it just means those not in their vocation, or who never get into their vocation, will have to be extra careful how they live their lives.
