Catholic & Single Should I avoid being alone with a man I'm meeting for the first time?

Sep 10, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I have been corresponding with another member of Ave Maria Singles and we have decided to meet in person. He will be coming to visit me in my town. My concern is that, though we have spoken on the phone a few times, he is still a stranger. I know I should be cautious when meeting someone for the first time, but at some point we will likely be alone together in a car, such as when I pick him up at the airport. Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this issue without making him uncomfortable?

Your concerns are quite natural, and not to be disregarded or put aside lightly. You are absolutely right that this person is a stranger. But you will quickly get an impression of him once you get to spend some time with him. More than likely, he will turn out to be a harmless person and probably very nice (regardless of whether or not further attraction is there or you pursue the relationship further after the meeting).

But a woman has to be comfortable, and it should be the man's desire to always want to make the woman feel comfortable. I don't see anything wrong with talking to him on the phone and sharing this feeling about alone time with him based on not really knowing him yet at the "in person" level. He should be very understanding when you share it. I guess it depends on how you share it, too. Perhaps the best approach is to say something like, "I'm looking forward to meeting you. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I am just concerned about being alone with you during this first meeting. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, but as a woman, I can't help having a slight concern." And then you can go on to ask him if you can both work this out together, before the meeting, with ideas on how to help you overcome this concern.

Again, he should be very eager to accommodate you and be very understanding. If he takes it personally or does or says anything to make you feel uncomfortable (or maybe even make you feel stupid for having such a concern), then don't bother meeting him in person at all. You will have saved yourself a wasted weekend.

Another suggestion (one I would offer a woman if she had voiced this concern with meeting me for the first time) is to meet somewhere at the airport for an hour or two for coffee or lunch or something. The airport is an immediate public place that offers a great opportunity to be alone without being completely "alone". If you are picking him up, that is what I would suggest. If you don't feel comfortable with him after that initial time, then you should call someone to come pick up both of you :-) Or maybe he should just catch the next flight home from there. More than likely, you will get comfortable enough to drive back to where you are going.

I am not a big fan of isolated alone time for a man and a woman who are not married. For a first meeting, you have the concerns you are voicing here. But for a couple developing a relationship, there are the other sexual attraction factors. Being completely alone together is just an overall bad idea. Obviously, some things cannot be avoided, like driving together in the car. But a car is different from an apartment. For your purposes, perhaps you should have a friend or relative drive with you to the airport to pick him up. Again, you can get some time to break the ice while not being completely alone.

I believe for the most part you can relax about this, while at the same time being reasonably prudent. My strongest advice is to talk about it with him beforehand by phone.