Catholic & Single Is marrying someone from divorced parents a risk?

Jul 30, 2008

Dear Anthony,

A book I read discusses the choice of a potential spouse, and a section on childhood talks about whether the person's parents are divorced. This concerns me because my parents are divorced. The man I'm seeing is reading the same book and I wonder if I should bring up the subject with him.

There are a lot of well-intentioned people out there writing books to try to help people. But unfortunately some advice given does cause some confusion for people, and as in this case, can cause undue concerns about oneself or another person.

Divorce is a tragic reality for so many families, including Catholic families. There are many reasons why two people divorce. Sometimes there is domestic violence and/or abuse, physical or mental. Sometimes it is because of infidelity or pornography or alcoholism, or some other damaging actions of one of the two partners that makes living with the other unbearable or impossible. The many declarations of nullity granted by the Catholic Church proves one very startling reality; namely, that many Catholic persons go into marriage without the intention of making it permanent, or are incapable of living the consent due to some aspect of immaturity.

Some may say that this is an excuse and the Church is handing out annulments too loosely. That's not for me to judge, but I have studied the annulment process and explored it deeply, and I am convinced that the Church is right on target with annulments. I'm sure there are abuses here and there, but by and large, annulments are granted because there are serious impediments in one or both persons. There is a serious crisis of preparation for marriage, and also with formation of individuals for marriage. It's not the Church's fault there are so many people who get married and are incapable of keeping the vows.

But you did not ask me about annulments, so I will stop right there. It was, however, important to spell that out a bit about annulments because there are too many enemies of annulments: those who want to assume the worst of the Church in granting them, and who wish to look at those who have annulments as somehow being less in the eyes of God for having gone through divorce and annulment. The fact is that those with annulments granted by the Church can be sure that in the eyes of God, they never had a marriage take place. Those who granted the annulment will have to answer to God, not those granted the annulment.

Now, having said all that, I will say that there are many, many, many marriages that end in divorce that should NOT have ended in divorce, and the two people involved were completely careless in not doing everything possible, to the point of the very act of the will to change things to make the marriage work.

To get back to your question now, you are concerned about coming from divorce and a book you read stating that a person should beware of, or even stay clear of, a person who has divorce in their background. This kind of advice is based on some very popular scientific studies that end up in a marriage preparation topic that addresses a person's origin, which primarily means family background. They have found that those who come from divorced parents are likely to have problems in their own marriage.

That may have truth to it, but that cannot be seen as an "absolute," and it's certainly not the end of the story. There is so much that must also be considered, and a person should never just simply discount someone for marriage only on the basis of knowing that their parents divorced. Coming from divorced parents does not automatically make someone a risk in marriage. I come from divorce and Bridget seems pretty happy.

Children have a way of adjusting, and once an adult, the key is confronting and dealing with anything that is an issue from the past. But most of all, we must believe in the power of God's grace above all things. A person living a sacramental and prayerful life, loving God and desiring to follow Him in every way, can receive grace that helps them rise above anything of their past.

It's a shame your parents divorced, but that does not mean your marriage will end in divorce, nor that you are going to be the cause of problems in your marriage. I assume you have a handle on the divorce of your parents and have long since come to terms with it. I also assume you have a very good understanding of what marriage is and what it means to be married. I also assume you are a sinner and you plan on marrying another sinner, which means you will both be quite capable of hurting each other due to the effects of original sin. And I also assume you are a woman who relies on God's grace to help you live your life, and not your own power, right?

If there is a marriage of two people with a solid direction (both knowing they are meant for Heaven and that life is about walking that road) and having a firm sense that their life and commitments and decisions have a direct effect on our relationship with God, anything else can be overcome. For Catholics, it also means that we are people who work to follow Christ and His example, and the Church's teachings, and we grow in grace to give us God's life and power in us, which will overcome our own weaknesses and issues (if we are open and working to overcome them). If both people know how to forgive and to ask forgiveness, they will have MUCH going for them in their marriage.

There is no marriage out there that is without problems due to issues of each person at some level. You have divorced parents, which means perhaps you have some trust issues.

Marriage will always be between two sinners who cannot make the other person totally happy in this life. It is about two people helping each other through this life on the path to Heaven, along with their children. That requires a sacrifice of self in order to serve the other. These people who fear future marriage because of issues and what have you, as well as these books that tell you to watch out for this and watch out for that, don't seem to understand that they are doing a disservice by giving people a false impression that they can find someone who will never hurt them.

Just because a person makes a choice in marriage and it does not work out as they had hoped, it does not mean they failed at marriage, nor that there really is no marriage. It just means that their marriage is what it is, and you have to work very hard to do your part, and pray very hard the other will do their part to strengthen the marriage and make it better. That is what love is.

Okay, so some marriages don't have the blissful feelings of love they once had or that are desired. Does that mean single people should keep putting off marriage because they need to ensure they will always have that? No!

Marriage is a total risk! So if you are not up for the risk, then never marry. But don't fool yourself into thinking you can avoid a bad marriage because you do all this analysis and inspection.

Don't listen to the advice that says to avoid a person whose parents are divorced. That's nonsense. God's grace does wonders to help any person who is walking the path of God. It is a person who relies on God's grace that you want to marry, despite their background. Then you have a person who can not only overcome their past, but someone who is really going places, and capable of moving mountains. And certainly a person who will know how to love.

Yes, you have to do some due diligence to see if the person's issues are unresolved to the point of making them incapable of marriage. But that means it has to be serious, and it will be, obviously. Again, the key to a great marriage is when both people know their own weaknesses, faults, past issues, etc., and that they accept each other's weaknesses, faults, past issues, etc. Then they can really be an exceptional "helpmate."

But because people are human beings, and human beings are always growing and changing, no one should enter marriage with the expectation that a person is always going to remain as they are, or (God forbid) make them happy at all times.

So take from the book only what makes sense, and never let anything make you feel uneasy. As far as bringing up the subject of divorce, I don't see why not. If you want a good "in" to talk about it, just say you were reading the book and noticed that it talks about divorce in one's background, and ask what he thinks about it and what he thinks about your having divorced parents. He should be sensible enough not to discount you because your parents are divorced. But it is a good conversation to have.