Catholic & Single Physical Presence

Jul 23, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I truly believe I need to be physically present with a person at least 1-2 times per week for at least two years in order to know if a marriage would work. Therefore, I only search for people in my immediate area. I have not had much success, and I would like some advice.

You absolutely do not "need" to be with a person 1-2 times per week to determine if you want to marry her. However, I completely agree that being with someone in person is the only way to really "know" for sure. Writing on the site is great, but it should not be for long. Members who are still writing each other after one month, but who are not talking by phone and considering meeting in person, are wasting each other's time.

My recommendation has always been to get together in person twice per month for two or three days (basically, meet over the weekend twice per month). After two months of doing that, you will know for sure if you want to keep this up or move on to someone else. After three or four months, you should know if you want to be exclusive. By the sixth month, for those who are more mature (those who are 30+), you should be getting engaged to be married, and for those who are under 30, you should be in full courtship (exclusivity with dedication toward future engagement).

It's the "what" you do in person that matters, not how often. There may be long stretches of time when you cannot meet in person. Some members are able to make this work, and they foster the "getting to know each other" by phone and long letter-writing, which is fine. There are all kinds of situations, and variations that come with those situations. What I propose is a basic benchmark. I think meeting twice a month is doable for most. You plan a weekend, the one who's visiting stays in a hotel or at a friend's house, you are never (not ever) completely alone with each other, and you use the time to see each other in normal life (i.e., meet each other's family and friends and observe the dynamics and interaction). Obviously, you pray together and do interesting things related to the faith and your interests, etc. Maybe even do volunteer work together.

Again, you can learn a great deal about a person when you get that kind of concentrated time together. Okay, so you can't just call the person up and say, "Hey, want to get a bite to eat or go to a movie?" Yes, that's fun and convenient, but it is not a "must" for developing a relationship. I know it's hard to date long-distance, but it is possible, and many have done it. How can I deny that 75 percent of our over 800 AMS marriages were long-distance relationships? It's really a confirmation that it's hard to find like-minded single Catholics in the normal ways and when searching only locally.