Catholic & Single Considering Temperament

Jul 16, 2008

Dear Anthony,

What do you think of using modern temperament models, such as Myers-Briggs, when searching for a potential spouse? To me, compatibility of temperament is as important as finding someone who practices his Catholic faith.

I can understand why you would want to use these, but I am not inclined toward them and the main reason is this: love is a mystery. People should not overlook the most important aspect of love when discerning someone, namely, that many times there is no answer or no words for why we fell in love and married someone. How many couples do we all know about whom we say, "How did those two every get together? What do they see in each other?" Because choosing a spouse is such an intimate thing that involves God and involves attraction unique to the two persons alone, it is very dangerous to put too much emphasis on preconceived criteria desires. We don't "select" someone when we fall in love -- we are hit between the eyes by something we can't quite put our finger on. It makes us eventually conclude, "I can't live without him/her," which makes us say "yes" to marriage.

I can't stress it enough — don't put too much emphasis on what a person's temperament is, or height, or weight, or personality, or hobbies, or career, etc. Yes, these are all important to consider, observe, and talk about. But very few things should be an immediate "deal breaker" that keeps you from moving forward with discernment of someone. The more open we are, the better chance love has to find us and hit us when we are not looking. Start with the absolutes, and leave the rest to love. Serious about the Catholic faith ... member of the opposite sex ... eligible for sacramental marriage ... marriage-minded ... wants to work at becoming a saint ... responsible and has a sense of duty... knows that love is about giving and sacrifice for the other, not selfishness. Those are the essentials. Everything else can be worked out. The main problem is cutting through these other things while love is NOT yet there. We, therefore, tend to not give love a chance.

According to the schools on temperaments, Bridget and I should not be married. Our polarity does not work. But we are madly in love with each other, and it is that grace of the sacrament and our personal commitments (strengthened by grace) to love one another that help us resolve all problems, get through any differences, say "I'm sorry," and work through everything that might threaten to tear us from each other.

So many people whom experts in psychology and science would say should never marry, nor will it last, are happily married and doing just fine. Though we have to be prudent about how we approach choosing someone for marriage, we must never be quick to presume we know how and when and with whom love will come to claim us.

I hope I don't sound as if I am undermining your concerns. Temperament study has come a long way and there is so much to glean from it that can help single people. But what I have said above seems to never be talked, so I focused on it only to help try to balance things out.