Catholic & Single Should a couple's sex drives be compatible?

Apr 2, 2008

Dear Anthony,
 
I've been dating a man for quite some time and our relationship is getting serious. I'm wondering if I need to be concerned about our sexual compatibility. What if we discover after marrying that one of us has a low sex drive and the other has a high sex drive? Would such a difference affect our happiness as a married couple?
 
Sexual tension is a huge reason why people get married. It is typically a good sign that you want to be with each other overall. Those who have sex before marriage have wasted the opportunity to know if there is “real love” there, because the sexual desire that is controlled before marriage helps prove true love. If there is sex before marriage, then you can never really know what is love and what is not.

Anyway, since you are not having any sexual expression, I would guess you both have a strong sense of wanting to be together overall. My question would be, at this point, what is keeping you from getting married? Is there still really anything to determine? The sexual fulfillment AFTER marriage thing is not appropriate to consider. We are social beings who have sex to express our love. We are not sexual beings who have sex to express who we really are. And marriage is certainly not about “getting”, it is about “giving”. If two “giving” people come together in marriage, the sexual expression in marriage will be beautiful no matter what happens. If one of the two has a “strong” sex drive, there may be some counseling needed for that person, or at least a good spiritual director to help that person get through. It is NOT that the one with less drive should step up, but rather that the one with the stronger drive needs to step down, or calm down (as the case may be).

Sex in marriage should be mutual and loving and tender. It does NOT necessarily mean it has to be overly passionate or erotic. Those can be distortions of true married love. There will be times when the sexual expression is very passionate. But there will also be times when it is not so passionate, when it is quick, or even when it is one-sided as to who is interested. God willing, no matter what, it is very beautiful in its gentleness and tenderness. A strong sex drive should not mean enslavement or “need”. That would be unhealthy. A healthy sense of a strong sex drive is that you desire to be close to the spouse. The “wild sex” notion typically attributed to strong sex drive is not for Christians. That is something for people who have become distorted, and something distorted perhaps that the media has portrayed.
 
Again, there will be passionate times, but you be amazed how much of married sexual intimacy is not genital. Smiling eyes, flirting, holding hands, an affectionate touch or hug, etc. It is arguable that these moments are the most sexual part of marriage and the aspects of sexuality that lead to the deeper relationship. Genital sex is very often the end result of all that buildup. And it does not have to have anything to do with “drive”.
 
It is also important to point out that most of married life is NOT spent in genital sexual activity, so there should not be much stock put into the “performance” aspect of sex in marriage. It just does not happen that much. So best to make sure you are married to someone you can have a conversation with and enjoy everyday life with, above the sexual drive toward that person. That is a surefire way to get disappointed, and then it trickles into all aspects of a perfectly good marriage.

Don’t get me wrong. Sexual expression in marriage is not only important, it is critical. But I think sometimes people think that the strong impulse and much passion expression is the true expression of love. No. True love seeks to serve, and that includes the bedroom. If the person you are serving in marriage does not want the level of sexual expression you want, then love dictates that you subdue personal desire and enjoy what the other wants.

But if you are hoping the spouse will do the same for you (namely, wanting to serve your needs), that is not the right attitude either. As a spouse, you are not only seeking to serve the other, but you are also seeking help the spouse not be put in a position they are uncomfortable with. In other words, you cannot expect your spouse to step up and serve your needs in a way they are incapable of or not comfortable with.

I guess this is a long-winded way of saying that you should talk about this with the man you’re seeing if it is a major thing to you. Talk now so that whichever of you has the strong sex drive, that person will have shared this information and give the other an opportunity to consider if this is something that could make or break the marriage. You don’t want to be going into the marriage without full disclosure about things that matter to each of you. That is just a time bomb waiting to go off. But when unforeseen things come up or happen in marriage (which they most certainly do), you cannot say, “This is not what I signed up for” and give any thought to ending it. No, you must stay and fulfill your duty. And there is always a way to find joy in the decision to love for a lifetime.

When we "want", we suffer. When we "serve", we have peace and joy.