Catholic & Single Moving toward mutual exclusivity

Jan 8, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I have been seeing a woman recently but have reservations about whether she is “the one.” There is much that I love about her and I certainly love her as a friend, but I’m just not sure how I feel about her beyond that. Do you have any advice?

Are you missing her? Are you feeling at all that her presence in your life is important? If you have these kinds of feelings about her, it might be that, despite anything negative you find about her or the two of you, you might very well be in love with her and should do what you have to in order to win her heart. It really comes down to your desire for the next step, which is mutual exclusivity. I really think that is what you would have to have with her next, or else nothing at all. Exclusivity would mean you are now in courtship toward discerning if you should get engaged. That period of exclusivity/courtship should take only about three months at the most. At the end of three months, you ask her to marry you, or you part for good.

I am not really sure how to interpret where you are with her because I know there can be more factors than I have outlined. But if you are attracted to her and find more positives than negatives about her and the two of you together, I would strongly advise pursuing her. High-quality women are not going to just keep coming along. And it may very well be that it is you who cannot muster up showing an act of commitment (which is what the exclusivity move would be), which is what women really look for in a man before they really open their heart. Women tend to protect their hearts, even from the romantic aspect of male pursuit (though they really want to give in to the romantic because they love it so much), and wait to see acts of sacrifice and commitment before allowing their heart to be pursued and won. Smart women do this because they have so much to lose by prematurely giving their hearts.

At any rate, it sounds to me as if you might be considering her as more than a friend. I do think that is very possible. But it seems that you have everything in place except your own willingness to let your heart move toward her. Perhaps you are not physically attracted to her enough. Maybe you need to have that, because it sounds as if you have a really great friend in her (which is the foundation of any good marriage), you are both on the same page when it comes to the faith and direction in life, and you have affection for each other. So I can’t help feeling that it is only an issue of your being moved toward her sexually (which is why a couple moves toward marriage, so they can express the sexual movements building up throughout the courtship and engagement) or an issue of your being too undecided because you, yourself, don’t believe in your own ability to make the lifetime exclusive commitment to one woman, forsaking all others.

I strongly advise you to figure out if there is anyone better for you as soon as possible, and if not, win her heart before it is too late, and get on with your vocation and the absolute peace that comes with being in love and being in your vocation.