Catholic & Single Leading men

Jan 16, 2008

Dear Anthony,

I believe that if a man is really interested in me, he will step up to the plate and ask me out. But in my experience it seems that men who don’t have any faith or spiritual depth are more willing to do this than the men who do have a strong faith. I want a man with a strong faith but I don’t feel I should have to take the lead to get him to act. What are your thoughts?

Men need to be led. A man needs a woman to make sure she is on his radar or he will not pay attention. Does that mean he is not really interested? No. Does that mean he is incapable of leadership in a relationship, or knowing what he really wants? No. For centuries, women have worked to cleverly put themselves in front of men (in many good ways, mind you) so that the man would take notice. Men need help. They don’t need women having such high expectations of them when they are not capable of living up to them.

The men with no faith or little faith have no problem asking you out or having confidence precisely because they don’t have strong faith. It is that strong faith that makes a man hesitate today. They want to do the right thing. They don’t want to appear that all they want is sex. Men today have a terrible dilemma in that they believe that if they show interest in a woman, she will react in a way that makes them feel as if all they did it for was to get to them sexually. Women have a similar problem in that any showing of kindness or attention (or letting a man hold the door for them) can make a man think that the woman is interested in him, when all she is doing is being a kind woman. It’s all a terrible reality for both sexes. But the men without faith are primarily out for sex. The strong-faith woman like yourself confronts these confident men who have no faith with the problem of being attracted to the attributes but having to deal with the sexual persuasion.

Ultimately, faithful women need to be really patient and understanding with the men. I don’t mean be the man in the relationship. But taking the time to get on his radar, or showing signs of interest (maybe even pursuing a bit in a way that is cleverly done so that it does not look as if you are pursuing), is really important.

Women are a necessity, not a desire. Men do grow to love a woman, but they “want” a woman in the beginning. Men fall in love quickly, but they do not experience love until they develop a relationship with a woman who is not so quick to give her heart. Over time it draws out the true love capable in a man so that he sheds his shallow love instincts. It’s not wise to assume that a “good man” for you will be the one who takes great universal interest in you. The fact is that the one for you will at first just be physically attracted to you, and that will be where his only interest lies. He will engage in conversation and outings with you only because of this physical appeal (at first). But don’t ever think he is really, really interested in you. That is something that will come in time as you guard your heart and draw out his love for you. Otherwise, men have no initial need of a woman, except for the sex they long to have. And that is where the man of strong faith has the dilemma. He is confused by this sexual desire and maybe even feels guilty about it. A woman of faith has to make the man feel that this is okay as long as he does not act on it. He needs to be comfortable in the fact that he has only a physical attraction, and only the woman can make him feel that comfort. And only then will the woman be able to draw out that potential waiting in him that will come from his love of Christ.