Articles by Anthony Buono
Fr. McCloskey: Putting Off Marriage
Nov 11, 2009 / 00:00 amAnthony spoke with Fr. C. John McCloskey about why putting off marriage is common in society today and is often a mistake.
Fr. McCloskey: Self-Giving within Marriage
Nov 4, 2009 / 00:00 amAnthony interviewed Fr. C. John McCloskey about how giving of oneself is at the heart of all true friendships, especially the unique friendship of marriage.
Fr. McCloskey: Happiness in Marriage
Oct 15, 2009 / 00:00 amAnthony interviews Fr. C. John McCloskey about finding happiness in the context of marriage.
What should I do when I find myself becoming attracted to an old friend?
Oct 5, 2009 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,
Is there a "call" to marriage after not having the call for years prior?
Sep 2, 2009 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,
How should I deal with my boyfriend’s past sexual experiences?
Aug 25, 2009 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences. Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker.” What matters is how a person has dealt with his or her promiscuous past.
Is he interested or just being polite?
Aug 12, 2009 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I’m a member of Ave Maria Singles. I initiated contact with another member and he replied that the long distance between us was a problem for him, but to feel free to correspond. I replied that I try not to make distance an issue and encouraged him to do the same. I don’t know if he is really interested or just being polite. What do you think? I’m not looking for a pen pal. No need to overcomplicate this. If a man is interested, he is going to pursue. This man is not going to pursue you. His leaving it open for you to still contact him means that he is not trying to cut you off if you still just want to write. But he is not interested. My advice is to move on and not contact him again. You said your piece, and were right to do so (saying you have a different opinion on the matter of long distance). But again, men don't let opportunities go. If he was interested in you, he would not make distance an issue and he would continue writing to you.Yours in Christ,Anthony
Should we wait to get married or break up and then get back together?
Aug 5, 2009 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,
Friendship from a Man
May 6, 2009 / 00:00 amWomen have an uncanny ability to make friends and be a friend. A good way to put it is that women are, by nature, inclined to care. Specifically, women care about people. They intuitively are capable of entering into the inner reality of human beings. This makes them capable of friendship.
The Senses in Dating: Conclusion - Conversion of the Senses
Apr 29, 2009 / 00:00 amEvery Christmas I watch the 1951 movie "Scrooge" with Alistair Sim. At the end, when Scrooge is converted, he says the wonderful line, "My dear woman, I have not taken leave of my senses, I have come to them." It's a true conversion within that implies the five senses are now ordered toward their purpose.
The Senses in Dating: Part 4 - Touch
Apr 22, 2009 / 00:00 amIn this installment, we cover probably the most obvious of the senses that applies to dating and marriage; namely, the sense of touch. It’s a fundamental aspect of the human experience to touch another human being. And in dating, if you have never touched the other person in a way such as holding hands, you will never get to the point of marriage. Touching is a requirement in modern dating in helping to realize love and develop the friendship level that leads to the desire to marry. I suppose it is the circumstances surrounding touch that need to be addressed.
The Senses in Dating: Part 3 - Smell and Taste
Apr 15, 2009 / 00:00 amContinuing this series on the senses and how they factor into dating, I decided to do the senses of smell and taste together because they are so intertwined that it’s difficult to consider one without the other at the same time.
The Senses in Dating: Part 2 - Hearing
Apr 8, 2009 / 00:00 amI stated in the first installment on the five senses and their role in dating that we come to all knowledge because of the five senses. People who fall in love and marry owe so much to their senses. And we can thank those senses for the life of grace we have. I also covered the sense of sight.
The Senses in Dating: Part 1 - Sight
Apr 1, 2009 / 00:00 amThe five senses are the vehicles through which we come to know anything. There is nothing we learn that is not a direct result of the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Our eyes, ears, nose, and mouth have to do with the first four. Touch has to do with what we touch with our hands or any other part of our body, as well as how we are touched by others on any part of our body. The brain, in turn, takes all information that comes through our senses and processes it. It is, therefore, obvious that without our bodies, we would never “know” anything, including God.
What singles can learn about St. Joseph
Mar 24, 2009 / 00:00 amMy son and I share the name of Joseph in our names. My name is Anthony Joseph, and his is Joseph Anthony. He is 5 years old and he was very excited to go to Mass with me this morning for our feast day (March 19), and then go to breakfast afterward. As any good Catholics, we love St. Joseph in our house, and we will feast greatly today (the kids, of course, being excited that it is not a day of Lent and they can have dessert after dinner).
Pornography and Dating
Mar 18, 2009 / 00:00 amIt's no secret that Catholics (primarily men) are struggling just as much as others in the world with a continuing problem with pornography. For single Catholics, there is a growing concern about how this plays a role in dating and readiness for marriage. Should someone be dating when they know they have a problem with pornography? Should a courtship end upon discovering the person you are seriously dating has a problem with pornography? These are good and important questions for those with the vocation to marriage to answer. I personally think it would be wise to refrain from dating. This problem often makes a person incapable of bringing to a relationship what is required for healthy development. It is unwise to bring any sexual disorder into a dating relationship or marriage that is not totally identified and under control. No one is saying you need to be perfect, or totally cured, or incapable of sinning in these areas again. But you do need to have a stronger will to combat any temptation, and have this under control. This will allow you to be at peace as you work at developing a relationship toward marriage, and able to speak about it with the other person. Once you are at the point where any temptation related to this problem is much easier to resist, then you will be ready to move forward. Get professional help if you really want to make serious and quicker progress. It will make a world of difference in your efforts to be healed completely and be the person God wants you to be. It is wise to consider getting some kind of help from a qualified person who works with sexual addiction. A person might be willing to admit they have a problem with pornography, but not willing to go as far as to admit sexual addiction. So too often they continue to fail because they go about dealing with it on their own terms, and have never really identified what the problem is. In other words, the problem might not just be "looking at it". There are many reasons why men become addicted to pornography, and it is vanity to assume they can figure it out on their own. And where does God’s grace fit in? Obviously, it is necessary. But God's grace acts in accordance with developed human virtue (also known as "natural virtues"). "Grace builds on nature" is what the Catholic Church teaches. Pope Pius XII spoke very specifically about this and pointed out that the grace of God needs a place to settle, and is operative based on the human virtue of a person. This is what it means that grace "builds" on nature. If a person is in the habit of doing less virtuous things (or vice), the grace available at Confession or at Mass will not be as operative and powerful as it could be if a person has or is working at acquiring those virtues that are available to all persons naturally in human nature. It is a very human thing to be kind, respectful, prudent, loyal, modest, thankful, etc. These are examples of natural virtues available to all human persons. As we are fully human in our nature and developing the human virtues, God's grace helps us to become "superhuman" (i.e., living in sanctifying grace) and acquire, sustain, and grow in supernatural virtues. We can become heroic in virtue, and should never settle on just being a good person. We are not called to be merely "good people". We are called to be "heroic". And we cannot be heroic without the grace of God, which is the very life of God in us. Those with the problem of pornography are in a situation where they need to be heroic. They might be doing the right things when it comes to grace, but may need to be doing the right things when it comes to practicing human virtue that is required for grace to be efficacious. We overcome our vices by practicing virtue. When a person is tainted and wounded by indulgence in pornography, there can be other serious problems that develop without knowing it that will affect dating relationships and marriage. If these are not identified and addressed properly, those people risk hurting themselves and others, specifically those they date or the one they marry. Professional help works to identify scars and wounds, and construct a strategy for healing and rebuilding. Practical things to do would be to avoid being on the computer or watching television during times when isolated. Make a point to do more reading, or praying, or hobbies of some kind. It's good to have alone time, but hours on the computer can be dangerous and not a wise use of the God-given gift of time. I often encourage single people not to live alone, either, and to get a good roommate who shares their faith and morals. It's a good way to stay engaged with reality. So is spending more time with friends. Our same-sex friends who are strong in faith are great sources of inspiration for each other. It's important to have those kinds of friends. The more isolated you are, the harder it is going to be to overcome this addiction. I would also encourage finding an accountability partner for the computer. In other words, give them complete access to your computer to check up on you. No passwords, no technology that hides your activity, nothing private. Make yourself an open book and accountable to this person. This is another act of virtue and will help you psychologically as you physically work at this problem. Above all, work on your personal character so grace from the sacraments can be more operative, and a life of personal gift of self to others. It is in true charity that we step outside ourselves and focus on others, while at the same time we become better as a person in God's plan for us. This kind of approach to life will make one most properly prepared for marriage, and certainly very attractive in the dating process. It is this life of serving God and others first, and stepping out in action against pornography, that will go a long way in conquering the problem of pornography. I commend anyone who recognizes they have a problem with pornography and wants to do something about it. They have every reason to be hopeful about overcoming these issues and living an authentic life of chastity before marriage, and expressing authentic marital love within marriage. God's grace is the most important thing that will help those with this problem order their life again, specifically the sacraments of Confession and the Holy Eucharist. But heroic action against it both personally and within society is also necessary. It can be conquered and healing can happen. Focus on healing and developing good habits, developing human virtue, and strengthening your relationship with God. We are called to live as a whole person. If we walk with God fully, all problems can be overcome. "For men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).