Anthony Buono

Making the Commitment

Apr 21, 2010 / 00:00 am

Fr. Tom Morrow explains how commitment to Christ makes other commitments easier.

Dr. John Fraunces: Unrealistic Expectations

Apr 14, 2010 / 00:00 am

Anthony interviews Dr. John Fraunces about the frustrations that can result from setting up unrealistic ideals.

In Heaven, WHO are you? Part 3: Influence of God

Apr 7, 2010 / 00:00 am

Last time, we talked about how other people influence who we become as a person. And because we have an influence on who other people become, we need to be a positive influence by being a good person. This kind of person (the good person) is what God calls us to be, and it is a call to love. We then touched on how God influences who comes into our lives. In this final part, I want to talk more about God influencing persons coming together, and the relationship with God Himself affecting who we are in Heaven.

In Heaven, WHO are you? Part 2: Influence of others

Mar 31, 2010 / 00:00 am

In the first part, I spoke about what is meant by “who” when we think of who we will be in Heaven, and about what kind of person we will be there. To get to Heaven we need to be a “good” person here, and that person will continue in Heaven.

In Heaven, WHO are you? - Part 1 of 2

Mar 24, 2010 / 00:00 am

In my line of work (dating and marriage), I know there are many single people (and married people) who live disconnected from the relationship between our bodily life here and our heavenly life to come. There should be a much greater realization that our bodies play a role in our getting to Heaven (or hell, for that matter), and that same body is with us throughout eternity. Therefore, sometimes I like to take the time to talk about Heaven to help single people prepare for their role in their future marriage. Heaven is a difficult place to comprehend. To believers, we intellectually know that if we die in the state of grace, we will go to Heaven. But I’m not sure too many know what we will be doing there, or even give it much thought. I guess it is enough for us to do what we need to do to get there, and worry about the rest later. We need to realize we are a human being in Heaven. That’s what we are. Also worth pondering is the question of “who”, rather than “what” we are. Have you ever thought about that? Who are we when we get to Heaven? Perhaps you might say, “Well, that’s a dumb question. I will be ME in Heaven.” Yes, that’s actually true. You will be you. But what does that mean? We know that we will be happy with God, and we will get our bodies back, and there will be no more pain, and we won’t have to deal with any of our imperfections and faults any longer. But fundamentally, we are a person in Heaven, just as we are a person here. The reality that we are a “person” makes us able to use the term “who”. That makes a big difference from the “what”, which has to do with our nature. Collectively, the whole human race shares the “what”. We are human beings; that’s “what” we are. And for those of us who are baptized Christians, we share the divine nature of Christ. So divine is also “what” we are. “Who” means that we are dealing with an individual person. There are no two persons who are the same. A person does not share the “who” with any other person. We are uniquely ourselves. If you are a person, that means you are able to act, and you are responsible for your actions. God judges each person individually, not collectively, based on the motives of that person, which can only be known to God alone. The first thing we know about who we are in Heaven is that we will be the result of our actions here in this world. To be in Heaven, it would mean that our actions resulted in dying in the state of grace (God’s love), and we therefore belong in Heaven. But what kind of person? And what does that mean for us? Every person starts out good. By nature, we are good because we are created by God. But the person we are to become is only a “potential” at the time of birth. As mentioned above, a human being and a person are not the same thing. By birth, we are all human beings. We are all persons as well; however, becoming a whole person is a process. A baby is born with the potential of becoming a whole person. A baby is a person, but with a long way to go to be able to express personhood. This is what makes the childhood years the “development years”. At age 7, for example, you are a little person, and have developed a personality. Yet you are not fully a person. At 18, you are considered an adult. Yet you are not fully a person, though you are getting there. When you are in your 40s, you think back to when you were 18 and you realize you don’t even recognize that person because you have come such a long way since then. Yet you are not yet fully a person. Do you see where I am going with this? The fact is, we never stop “becoming”; therefore, we are always working toward the fullest potential as a person that we are called to be until the day we die. To be a person in fullness would mean we are in perfect harmony with God’s plan for us as to what He called us to become. Falling short of that at any level and at any time would mean we are less of a person. We make strides, and we have setbacks. Who we are is something that comes with the practice of living. This practice of living is what shapes us. Habits, attitudes, and personality are developed and influence how we act. Good habits are called virtues, and bad habits are called vices. How we act is what defines who we are. Are we a virtuous person or a vicious person, or something in between? How do we know? How do others know? Our actions tell others, and ourselves, who we really are. What we do affects others, so we need to make sure our decisions reflect who we are inside. Everyone sins, so it can’t be just the action itself that judges us. How we recover from a sin or a failure is part of the story. Consistency and frequency also play a role. If a person loses patience from time to time, that does not mean they are an impatient person. It takes time to discover what are the consistencies about a person. But it is these consistencies of actions displayed on the outside that are the best evidence of who we are as a person. What makes us human is our fragility, our ability to fail. Our personhood is our connection to God, and all that is good. To be a bad or evil person is to be less of a person. In fact, every bad action works toward forfeiting our personhood, and works toward becoming more like an animal. The dignity of every person is their goodness, or their “God-ness”. Every person has the potential to be good. No person is without his or her faults and moments of failure. But a well-formed person on the road to becoming fully a person will feel guilt for wrongdoing, be sorry, and seek forgiveness and make up for the wrongdoing. This makes them an even better person. So how do we become the good person expected of us? I will address this in the next part. For now, it is important to realize that a person who is dating another person brings all of who they are into their relationship, and that we are always developing into the whole person we are called to be. We have to work on ourselves at all times if we are going to be of value to another person. And getting into Heaven has everything to do with the person we are, not just what we are.

Fr. McCloskey: Self-Giving, The Way to Heaven

Mar 17, 2010 / 00:00 am

Fr. C. John McCloskey talks about the gift of self and how marriage is a way to holiness.

For Lent: Give Up the Pornography Mentality

Mar 10, 2010 / 00:00 am

Lent is a time of abstaining from what we really do not need, or what we enjoy but can do without for a time. But for the serious Christian, Lent should also be that wonderful time of year when can work on breaking bad habits once and for all, by God’s grace. That requires facing ourselves honestly and confronting the things that are not easy to admit are bad habits. It’s never too late, and there is plenty of Lent remaining. So in that spirit, I would like to make a suggestion of something to consider giving up for the rest of this Lent and beyond. Instead of an object (like TV, food item, etc.), how about an attitude? Specifically, consider giving up any aspect of a pornographic mentality. Perhaps you are reading this and saying, “He cannot be talking to me, I am not involved with pornography.” If you are saying that to yourself, you are assuming I mean pornography in the popular sense, which I will not get into here, but has to do with actually “engaging” in the sexually related objectification of a member of the opposite sex for the purpose of self-pleasure, without the intent of including the person in your experience. This popular sense of pornography typically has to do with nudity. I am not referring to this kind of pornography (though I would hope any person involved with pornography at that level should be giving it up immediately and never looking back). What I am suggesting is making a conscious effort to change your attitude about the things you experience through the use of sight, whether voluntarily, accidentally, or incidentally. Society is becoming increasingly accepting of pornographic imagery in everyday public life. It comes at us involuntarily in the people, places, and things we have to encounter daily. And because much of it is not actually nudity (which could arguably be what constitutes the technical definition of pornography), it is no doubt a more subtle level of pornography since it has the same purpose of pornography as its motive. Because the bodies of these women and men (but mostly women) have some piece of clothing on, and are not completely naked, they are considered available for the public’s visual consumption. This publicly accepted objectification of the body is called many things, but not typically “soft pornography.” Yet that is exactly what it is. Soft porn! So there is a pornographic mentality circulating in everyday society that is purposely trying to win our favor and acceptance. It seems to slowly but surely get worse, and more ubiquitous. Morally conscious people don’t like what is happening, but I am concerned that we are not doing all that is necessary to combat this to ensure it does not sneak into our being, and participate in who we are and become. I believe we have to be humble enough to realize we are all susceptible to the snares of this very dangerous perpetrator. We need to do three significant things. The first thing we must do is call it what it is, and not follow along with the rest of society and label it as something else. A woman posing sensually in a billboard or a retail-store poster is passed off as just an advertisement. But it is soft pornography. You have to tell yourself that so it is identified for what it is. The second thing seems kind of childish, but nevertheless it is an absolute must. We have to protect our eyes from seeing any of this. How dangerous it is (and prideful) to think our eyes can handle this kind of intake. The woman in the ad posing sensually is trying to make women think they should buy that perfume and they will look like that woman. And this kind of image of a woman will have an effect on a man who looks at it for any length of time and often. It is true that our eyes are the windows to the soul. And everything that goes in through our eyes remains. Men have to turn away quickly, not double take or prolong the look. As often as they entertain these images with their eyes, the worse they will get in regard to women without their even realizing it. It is very common to justify it as being something else. Consequently, we let down our guard little by little, making these images more available to us than they would have been if we were determined to identify them for what they are and take proper actions to make sure we do not experience them with our eyes. The third thing that is a must is to help others realize what they are looking at and encourage them to protect their eyes. As we do that, we continue to help ourselves be more convinced of the reality and the practice of protecting our own eyes. Movies, magazines, billboards, store displays, advertisements, television programs, and even the way women are dressing — these are all in everyday public life, not isolated in some specific part of town in windowless, purple buildings. My goodness, it is piped into our homes, ready for easy access. I go to check my Yahoo email and there are giant ads that have a woman in lingerie. So regardless of our intent to remain pure and not voluntarily engage in impure images, there seems to be no escape from having to confront them involuntarily. Therefore, we must make a heroic effort to turn away, and not presume we can handle these images or not be affected by them. Don’t accept these images! Reject them. Avoid them ahead of time if you can. If they come upon you unexpectedly, close your eyes, shade your eyes, turn and walk the other way, turn the movie off, put the magazine down, etc. Do what you have to do. This Lent, give up the prolonged looking at the soft pornography that is publicly provided to you. Work on identifying the pornography mentality and tell yourself what it really is, instead of justifying it as being something else. Practice this, and adopt it permanently, long after Lent is over. To conclude, since we are on this topic, I want to give the men something additional to consider. Do you have the habit of staring at a woman as she walks by? I don’t mean admiring a woman with an openness of wanting to get to know her. And I don’t mean noticing a woman for a moment in passing. I am speaking of prolonged looking or double taking to stare at a women’s entire body or certain body parts. Consider that this could be an indication that you may have allowed the pornographic mentality permeating society to influence your behavior and disrupt your purity. Catch yourself doing it and ask yourself why you do it and what is the purpose. Ask yourself if you are a man who objectifies women for personal pleasure. Consider working on breaking this habit and purifying your intentions with the real women you encounter in your daily life. They will be grateful and you will be a better Christian man for it.

Fr. Morrow: Finding Contentment and Yourself

Mar 3, 2010 / 00:00 am

Fr. Tom Morrow discusses the need for singles to be anchored in the Church.

Are we too childish to date or get married?

Feb 24, 2010 / 00:00 am

This 2010 snow blizzard stuff is for the birds! The kids love getting the snow in the winter here in Virginia, but this is ridiculous. Even the kids can’t go out when there is 2+ feet of snow. It’s beautiful and all, but it’s hard work to deal with. And this last Sunday, we had to miss Mass, and that is always a negative. So we just sat around the living room and read the readings of the day. It’s not the same.

February 14th is S.A.D.: Single Awareness Day

Feb 15, 2010 / 00:00 am

Every year around Valentine’s Day, I get approached to be interviewed for articles being written about love and dating, or by people who want to talk about how Ave Maria Singles helps singles on Valentine’s Day.

I’m back after a long break

Feb 10, 2010 / 00:00 am

Well, it’s been quite a while since I have written regularly on my blog. I have quite a backlog of questions I have not gotten to answer yet, and these questions are the primary source of my blog posts. I basically decided to slow things down with the blog as of June 2009 so I could put more attention in other important things. I have written here and there, but not as regularly as I used to. But I am now in a position to start writing regularly again. Let me share with you what has been going on in my time off:

Dr. John Fraunces: Taking Yourself Too Seriously

Feb 10, 2010 / 00:00 am

Dr. John Fraunces discusses how being able to laugh at one's own shortcomings helps to reduce tension.

Fr. McCloskey: Taking Action

Jan 27, 2010 / 00:00 am

Fr. C. John McCloskey discusses taking action to find the right person for marriage.

Dr. John Fraunces: What Is Happiness?

Jan 6, 2010 / 00:00 am

Dr. John Fraunces discusses the meaning of happiness and how to share one's happiness with another person in courtship.

The Still of the Silence

Dec 24, 2009 / 00:00 am

Usually at this time of year, I write something about how preparing for Christmas can feel bittersweet for those who are single. As I personally prepare for Christmas, I can’t help being caught up in the usual things we all can get caught up in. My goodness, now I have 2 feet of snow to dig out of with only one day until Christmas. My kids prayed for a white Christmas, but 3 inches would have been enough! My inclination was to be upset at the inconvenience of it. Yes, it’s beautiful, but how can one help but think of all it will take to get out of such a mess, and get everything done with such little time left before Christmas? To add to the temptation, my son’s birthday present was a hockey game we could not all get to because of the snow. What a disappointment, and financial loss. But as the snow kept falling and I was shoveling the cars out, I stopped for a long pause and just watched the snow. In the silence of that snowfall, the word that kept coming to mind was “blessing.” What a blessing that snow was! As beautiful as the snowfall was, its greatest blessing was the power of its silence. That silent beauty was able to grind things to an absolute halt. And a much-needed halt at that. Had it not been for this snow, I would have raced my way right to Christmas Eve. But as it happened, I was forced to stop and be steeped in the silent beauty and blessing of the snow.