Articles by Anthony Buono
Men pay, women save
Sep 9, 2010 / 00:00 amWho would have guessed that the concept of who should pay on a date, the man or the woman, would be of such interest to debate? I wouldn’t have. I have to say that I never really gave it a thought until I started getting asked the question often and seeing it talked about on other websites and in books. It even came up on our “Road To Cana” program (I believe it is in the “Red Flags: Part 2” episode of Season 2). People seem to want to know once and for all who should pay on a date, the man or the woman (or both)?
Can a computer do the matchmaking?
Sep 1, 2010 / 00:00 amIt’s a crazy age we live in, isn’t it? We probably don’t give much thought to just how strange our ways would seem to people from ages past. This holds particularly true when it comes to dating and getting married.
Should I be flirting more?
Aug 25, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony: I feel that I am competing with women who are more flirtatious than me. A nice mam I am seeing likes to look at women who dress a little more provocative and who flirt. I am not like that; I'm just myself. I dress modern and pretty, but I don't really like to show too much flesh or wear things that make certain parts of my body stand out. Is that so wrong? I'm not "prudish", but I respect myself and believe God expects women to behave appropriately. Do I need to be more flirty, or should I just continue being the way I believe I should be?
An Alternative Route
Aug 18, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I really thought that I had found “the one,” but things didn’t work out. In trying to find peace in this, I find myself increasingly frustrated. How could God allow me to go so far astray? I want to do God’s will, but I also want to shake this feeling like God knew everything that would happen and allowed it. This is a painful thing to go through, so I am very sorry to hear this and offer you my prayers. It is so challenging to be ready to make a commitment to marriage and have invested so much in someone, to the point of falling in love, only to have this person you believe is the one for you be taken from you. Be careful about the notion of God knowing everything in the sense of having control of the situation, or the sense of predestination. Your question seems to be if God already planned for this man to NOT be the one, why does it seem this man WAS the one?It's true that God knows what is going to happen, but that is only because he is outside of time and has seen our entire life happen. He has worked to influence our life, but also has seen our decisions (whether with or against His will), and has tried further attempts to help us via each decision (if they are not compatible with His will). We are in time, so we have to wait for life to play out. He has seen our life, but He was also there in every moment. So here we are right now, facing decisions, and experiencing God's influences. He is working on us and for us right now. We have not yet made our decisions for the day, and God is not choosing for us. But He does know already what we will decide because it has already happened for Him (being outside of time, He can see it). Isn't it frustrating when someone says to you "I knew you were going to do that." We are frustrated because we say "How could you know? I didn't even know what I was going to do." But the person knows you so well that they just knew. It does not surprise them. But you don't like someone knowing you so well that they know what you are going to do or say. Love binds two people so much that this really happens. The deeper the love, the greater the knowledge of the other person, including anticipating their thoughts and actions. The difference is, despite how much we might know someone else and ability to anticipate their thoughts, actions and feelings, we don't really "know" absolutely, nor do we know how the future will be affected. God does. He knows us so well and knows what we are doing to do or say, but He also knows how our moments could play out for the next moments. So He works to help our next moves via our decisions in the moment. Yet, He knows how all moments will play out, regardless of His influences. We can never know that. God can. Some people find peace in knowing God knows all things, and how our lives are going to play out. Some people don't like that at all. The ones who do probably understand that they have a free will and that God is sending His grace at all times to help them in their decisions. Their peace is in knowing that no matter what they decide, God works out for the good those who put their trust in Him and stay close to Him. Even if they fall from grace, God loves them so much that the Holy Spirit convicts them of sin, and inspires them to turn back to God to ask forgiveness and His mercy and to change their life or correct that wrong or bad decision.Those who don't like it that God knows all things about our lives are frustrated because they are attached to their own plans that they want God to accept and make happen. They don't like not having control. Perhaps a part of them thinks they really don't have free will, since things will happen as they are going to happen anyway. Or perhaps they think that no matter how much close they stay to God, other people mess things up by their bad decisions, thus messing up your life as well. God's ultimate will is that we get to Heaven, and He is always working on our alternative routes to get us there, should we ever veer off the road of His will as He plans for us. It is a comforting thing, isn't it? He will make sure we always have an alternative route to Heaven, as long as we want to be with Him. That is the primary roll of our free will as God gave it to us; to choose God and to be with Him forever. Our time here on earth is about accomplishing that. Anything we want or choose that does not accomplish that is an abuse of the purpose of the free will gift God gave us. So any person, place, thing, thought, desire, etc., that does not work in God's plan for us is a threat to our eternal salvation, and God has to do something about that for our own sakes. But if we don't choose the road He planned for us and where He is waiting for us, He loves us so much that he creates another road, an alternative route, that will get us to Him and where He now waits. God is all action. That is one of His attributes. He never sleeps, he never waits. He acts. He is always right here with us, working on us, working with us, always loving us. If we ask Him to leave us by our sins, He still loves us enough to inspire us to come back to Him. We must choose it though. That is the only thing God waits for. He waits for us to choose Him, and then (very often) that is the only time He can take the action that is His will for us or others (i.e., waiting for certain prayers or the offering of certain sufferings in order to save the souls of others). The Holy Spirit is always working on us to inspire us to make acts of love by our own free will. It is really frustrating when we were convinced God did certain things to get us to some point and that something that we wanted or expected to happen does not happen. We "knew" it was what God wanted for us or what was meant to be, but it does not go as we thought. How can that be? How could we have gotten it so wrong? Does that mean we are actually further from God than we thought? Does that mean God does not really want us to have what we want? Unfortunately, the only answer to these questions is that we are not God, and no one has privy to what God is going to do. Jesus said that even He did not know the time of the end of the world, but only the Father. It stands to reason that only God knows what He is going to do, and the "why" of it. St. Therese of Lisieux said that God would not give us a desire that cannot be fulfilled. In other words, the desire itself is of God, if it is a good desire. The best desire is to be with God forever in Heaven, and to serve Him in this life. If we desire that, than God cannot help but grant us our heart's desire. Every other desire is subjective. If we desire to have a certain person in our life and don't get that person, does it mean that God gave us the desire for that person but intended to never give that person to us? Not exactly. It might not be the right timing, and perhaps we are ruining the desire by wanting it fulfilled in our time, not God's time. Or we might not see the full effects of having that person in our life, and God in His mercy and love for us, seeing that this person will ultimately be to our ruin, does what He can to make sure we do not have that person, as a good Father would. Because we don't see the full affects, we can only see that God does not want our desire fulfilled, and that makes us sad or mad. We are not God, therefore we should be humble before Him and accept the suffering of not getting what we want. We should trust in Him and have unwavering peace. Ultimately, if we remain friends with God and fulfill His commandment to love one another as He has loved us, and live the sacramental life we are called to, we will successfully pass our test of being in this world, and end up with God forever in Heaven.
How women are affected by porn
Aug 11, 2010 / 00:00 amI just read a great article on the Covenant Eyes website about women who are affected by porn called "My Drug & His Poison: My Boyfriend Was Hooked On Porn". Men should read this and learn. Women should read it and be prepared. I thought it was excellent how she brings up the part of how her boyfriend became her drug; how she depended on her boyfriend to be everything to her, particularly in ways that only God can be for us. It is a great example of how we must not expect those we date and marry to never fail us, or hurt us. Only God can accomplish that. Granted, pornography abuse is much different than many other issues a couple will face. But because so many men are affected by pornography at some level, women have to learn how to deal with it properly so they do not make the matter worse with their boyfriends or husbands, and so they can have a positive approach to resolving and healing the problem.
Key Ingredients of Love and Marriage That Lasts
Aug 4, 2010 / 00:00 amI just came across this obituary of a married Catholic couple, Lou and Patricia DeMuro, who died on the same day after 62 years of marriage. It's a real old-fashioned love story.
It's not about being good enough
Jul 28, 2010 / 00:00 amIn the past two posts we have discussed being “good enough” for someone you are dating. This is a temptation that many experience. It’s easy to cut yourself down, or put someone on a pedestal.
Humility in being "good enough"
Jul 21, 2010 / 00:00 am(In response to Lisa’s comment on “I’m not good enough for you” article, whose comment is paraphrased here):I am beginning to develop a new friendship and this man keeps telling me what a 'good' person I am. This makes me uncomfortable. Other men have felt they were not good enough for me, which we know is ridiculous. I have fear that my pride can get involved and I will lose humility in thinking I really am good. After reading your comments and reflecting on previous experiences I am realizing that I must not be showing my true self, warts and all. Do you think it could be that I am not being as open and honest with myself or others with which I am developing a relationship? I applaud you for considering how you present yourself in the relationship (warts and all, as you say). That is admirable. We should not feel we have to force ourselves to show our weaknesses, faults and bad habits. We should just be ourselves. Those things will come out alongside the good qualities. If you wear a mask (only showing others what you want them to see), this would be deception. It is also not practical because your true and whole self will come out eventually. My guess is these men have guilt about their own lack of trust in God and their decisions to not improve themselves. Therefore, when they meet a good person, they can't bear it too long because it means they have to change something about themselves. So they make the "you're too good for me" excuse. Women, of course, do this as well. People willing to say "you're so good and I don't deserve you" need to confront themselves before the Eucharistic Lord. They need to wake up to the reality that they are hurting themselves, as well as the person that they "could have" had if they were not so prideful. They stand before a good person who also has flaws and issues, but they do not see those things. They only see the good things, and they make the fallacious assumption that the person is "too good" to be interested in them. This is utterly ridiculous (to be casual), and actually quite prideful and even sinful (to be very direct). It is a sin to believe any person is "too good." Jesus Himself rebuked someone for saying he was "good." In rebuke, He says that only God is good. Did that mean Jesus was not pure goodness? No. He was making a point to give us an example to follow. The point is that no one is good except for God. Any good we offer to another person comes from God, Who lives in us and through us. We should all strive to become better "good people.” That only means we are working on our relationship with God. Those who are reluctant to move forward in a dating relationship with a person they believe is too “good” for them are basically telling that person "Hey, my relationship with God is not where it should be, nor am I working on making it better." They are also saying, "You must be God because you are so good, and that is what you need me to be in order to be with you." That second point is very scary. People need to realize that they have the capability of making the other person a god. Human beings are NOT God. As Christians we share the Divine nature via our Baptism, so we are very much like God. But we are sinners. We sin daily. We all have our shortcomings and negative qualities It is a sin to make someone else out to be a god and expect them to be your savior. Worse, it is a sin to sabotage our relationships with other human beings by considering them to be God. Only God can love as each person needs. The objective of each person is to love others as God loves us, as Jesus taught us to love, and to do that as far as we can by God's grace. It is grace that makes us "good people.” The better we are, the more of Jesus Christ we project to others. For someone to say you are good is definitely a compliment. There is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel proud about someone saying that. It is when we consider ourselves "good" by our own power that we give way to the sin of pride. For someone to say you are too good for them is an excuse. It can only mean that they feel guilty around you. You are a reminder to them that they have chosen to reject God's grace and invitation to become a better person. They are blind to your flaws and are accusing you of not being a fellow human being, a fellow sinner. They need you to be as bad as they are to justify where they are in their spiritual life and be comfortable in their lack of efforts to get closer to the Eucharistic Lord. You are a real threat.When they actually back off the relationship or end it, they have decided that your goodness is not an example they are able to follow. You are drawing them closer to Christ. Though this is a good thing, they don't want that kind of confrontation. Rather, they have decided that is not what they want and therefore they cannot continue being around you. They will seek someone who is as weak as they are.This might sound like I am being pretty harsh on those who feel that they are with someone who is too good for them. But all I am trying to do is make them consider certain things they may not have considered before. I hope that they use their experiences of meeting someone they believe is too good for them as an opportunity to get their act together, and NOT just settle on finding someone as weak and distant from God as they are. I want everyone to accept that all persons are sinners and flawed. That marriage is between two sinners who will be helpmates to each other toward their personal sanctity, not two saints who don't need each other or one is so good that the other is the only one who will benefit. That meeting a good person is an encounter with God through that person, and an invitation by God to get closer to Him. That the feeling of another person being too good for you means that you are not accepting the other's flaws and shortcomings, and this will always hurt your ability to have a healthy relationship that grows in love with Jesus Christ at the center. Think of what Purgatory is. When we die, we immediately come face-to-face with Jesus for the particular judgment. We see Jesus in all His glory, goodness, and love. The light is blinding and very revealing. The light of Christ causes us to see ourselves for who we are and all we have done in our lifetime. Though we recognize that we are worthy to be with God in Heaven for all eternity, we are not quite ready. We notice that we are not yet presentable enough to meet the Father and dwell in Heaven. So we tell the Jesus, "Lord, please, allow me to make myself presentable before entering.” We know by the light of Christ that we "must" spend time in Purgatory before we are ready to enter into Heaven.This is how it should be for those who feel they are not worthy of someone. If anything, it should be that the person we think so good is a light of Christ revealing who we should strive to become. The Purgatory on earth is the time we spend WITH the flawed person. We are perfected as we share a lifetime of joys and sorrows WITH that person whom we discover is as sinful and flawed as we are, while at the same time being drawn to Christ through that person's goodness and positive qualities. Enduring each others faults purifies us, while enjoying each other's goodness makes us a gift to the other.No one should feel someone is too good for them. That would mean that you believe you are unworthy. That is just not true. A genuinely good person is one who knows they are a sinner but trusts in God's goodness. A truly good person wants to share all that is good in them with others, especially one special person in marital love. What a gift two people give to each other who have that humility and practicality about human love and marriage.
I'm not good enough for you
Jul 14, 2010 / 00:00 amI did a radio interview where the topic of fear in not being good enough for someone came up. I thought it would be a good thing to talk about a little more thoroughly then we covered on the air.
Compatibility: A Closer Look
Jun 30, 2010 / 00:00 amI read a lot of marriage and relationship books. The subject of compatibility comes up often. One I read recently concluded that a marriage can legitimately be over if compatibility problems are discovered along the way. This idea of compatibility being the basis of a good and happy marriage is widely accepted.
Dr. John Fraunces - Facing Our Fears
Jun 23, 2010 / 00:00 amI interview Dr. John Fraunces about confronting the uncertainties in life in spite of our fears.
Why aren't I getting replies?
Jun 16, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,I know you get this comment all the time, but I find it so frustrating that I have e-mailed three men this year, with not one response. Not even a "not interested." I know I need patience and I pray to God daily to guide me through this, but just wanted to check to see if something could be wrong with my e-mails.Thank you for writing, and for sharing with me your frustration. It is true that you need a lot of patience and prayer when going through a process like online dating. But of course, part of the process is how we present ourselves and the actions we take. So let me see if I can offer you anything that might help.Regarding the three contacts you have made since January, one of the early two is a man who is in a relationship, so he is likely ignoring any contacts. The one you contacted recently is a man younger than you. I know there is nothing wrong with a woman being older, nor your contacting men younger than yourself. That's is perfectly fine. What I want you to understand is that, at least with online dating, men your age or younger are looking for a woman younger than themselves. That is not an "absolute", but it is the norm. You just need to understand that if you attempt to find someone on the site who is your age or younger, you are going to have to be very understanding if it does not happen due to the reality of the norm.The actual emails you are sending are good. They are short, friendly, and do not come across as forward or desperate. You say "Hello" and that you find something interesting about their profile. You also invite them to contact you. You tend to not specifically say what you are interested in, but rather say "we seem to have similar interests". It's always best to specify the things you find interesting or similar, and than you briefly share what it has to do with you. You could probably just stop there. A man worth his salt will already understand that you are interested in him communicating with you and will know what to do with this brief, friendly contact from a good woman like yourself. If he does not know what to do with it, then he is probably not worth knowing any further.But let's say he "thinks" he knows what to do with it but is not quite sure and does not feel you gave him enough of an open door to make him feel confident about pursuing you. The way to avoid this is to follow up your nice, brief comment with a question. Asking a question ensures that you communicate you wish be get a reply. So let's say you tell him that you enjoyed reading about his growing up in a large family and that you also grew up in a large family. Instead of saying "I think we have a lot in common, feel free to contact me", you could say something like "I was the middle child but never felt neglected by my parents. What number were you in the family, and did you ever feel neglected?" This will give him a clear indication that you want to hear back from him, and also you give him something very specific to enter into dialogue with you about.Finally, you are only contacting men in your area. I understand why you would only want to meet someone in your state, but it is a long, established fact that the greatest success with online dating comes from being open to meeting someone wherever they are, and that it is very common for it to be two people from at least another state. The right man will fly out to meet you, if you have concern about how a long distance relationship will work. I'm sure that if you configure your attitude to being more open to a long distance relationship, you will find that there are ways to make it work that you otherwise would definitely think could not work when closed to the idea.My advice is to start contacting men who are older than you (think about 10 years older as a benchmark) whom you find interesting. Don't worry about where they are. It will be good for you to just first experience contacting men who would be open to corresponding with you. That will help you get a better feel for what is possible and what is not possible.Remember, this is a process you go through WITH God, and being open to the movements of God is very important. The less restriction you give God, the more opportunity and possibility for success God can provide for you. I know it can be frustrating, especially when you do not get a reply after you took the time to write to someone. But the good news is that it only takes one person for this experience to be a success. That one person will come in God's time, and in conjunction with your good efforts. If you are doing everything you can, you have to give the rest to God and not be tempted to control God or the situation with the time-frame you expect things to happen in, or your attachment to what you want to happen when you write to a man. Just do what you have to do, and keep the peace of Christ that is His gift to you, no matter what happens.
Shouldn’t we work on ourselves to be better prepared for marriage?
Jun 9, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,I’ve been trying to be a good, Catholic woman, and trying to prepare to be a good wife. But why is it that none of the men that I have met so far have any interest in preparing themselves to be a good husband and act like if this is going to come automatically once they get married? They like to party a lot, (nothing wrong with just a party, but I’m sure you know what I mean), overly flirtatious with women or staring at them (sometimes even right in front of me), maintaining many female friends on social networks that dress like scantily, (like a soft porn magazine style), and yet they want their future wife to be pure, modest and virgin? What makes them think that a decent woman in her right mind would want to date a man like that? What are they thinking?Thank you very much for contacting me about this. I understand what you are going through, and have heard similar things from many other women over the years. Guys get a bit disturbed sometimes about my responses to women who have these types of issues with men; they tend to think I am only interested in defending women. In fairness, I want to first say that this is a problem both sexes are facing. There are many good men having to deal with women who claim to be Catholic but don't seem to be concerned with modesty or being overly flirtatious, nor interested in preparing in many important ways to become a good wife and mother. I invite men experiencing similar issues to write me to ask me to address specific things for them, which I am happy to do.For now, I want to address your question regarding men (some of the principles which men can apply to their situations). What I like seeing in your question to me is your own efforts to improve yourself. I would encourage you to continue recognizing any issues you have, and working on yourself to become the kind of person a good Catholic man should want in a woman for a wife and mother in the vocation of marriage. I applaud that you understand the importance of working on yourself.To move on with your specific question, there are a lot of ways I could answer this for you. I think most ways are not going to be very helpful to you because there is not much you can do about it. For example, when asking why aren't men interested in preparing themselves for their future wife, or what are they thinking when they say they want to meet a nice, pure, modest virgin, but continue to show interest in what seems like the wrong kind of girl, the possible answers are not very inspiring. Because if Catholic men are not preparing themselves for their future wife by trying to get into life habits and attitudes conducive to a man who would have to show true love and devotion to his wife and family, then they are not really interested in the reality of the process of marriage, nor the maturity it takes to build their lives properly.However, most Catholic men who desire to be married are sincerely making the appropriate efforts, but perhaps are falling short due to some very powerful forces that affect the modern American Catholic man. These include affluence, media, pornography, advertising, and certain kinds of neglect during their upbringing that has affected their character. Women need to be patient with these men and understand there are forces working on them. Women should not excuse them for their immaturity or bad behavior/habits, but being kind and gentle with them is important. If they display no desire to work on the things they need to change or do something about, then a woman should not believe he is going to change later. I agree with you that a good man will know his weaknesses and imperfections, and desire to work on them. Too often, men are not willing to admit these problems. This is very sad, because they do not realize it is not just themselves they are harming, but also the women they will interact with, one of which could have potentially made a suitable partner for him. But he will not end up with her, due to his unwillingness to making changes.There is hope. I believe that the right woman can change a man substantially. If he recognizes in this right woman her love, her holiness, her beauty, and an openness to give herself to him, he will not want to lose her. A good woman can make a man become what he needs to become to win her. You keep being the person you need to be, and be patient with a man who shows potential. Don't be quick to condemn a good man who fails; encourage him by your own virtue. Gentle persuasion, especially through your example of how you conduct yourself and your firm principles, can do wonders to inspire a good man. If he is not a good man to begin with, he will see this as being contrary to what he wants, and you therefore don’t want him anyway.You do not have to settle for an immature man who does not want to work on himself. But be careful not to dismiss a good man with a lot of potential, who might simply need time and a good woman to inspire him. Finally, pray for men in general, but particularly your future spouse, wherever he is. Ask God to inspire him to be work on becoming the man he needs to be for marriage, and that he will have the eyes and heart to realize who you are when you come along in his path.
Persevering through unchaste temptations
Jun 2, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I am a chaste woman who takes the teachings of the Church seriously. I have been dating Catholic men for 30 years and have grown discouraged that I will ever meet the right person. Sadly, most of these men I've dated make no apology for wanting to have sex with me. When they see I am adamantly never going to give in and am saving myself for marriage, they lose interest. I realize human beings are weak, but I don't understand why I am able to combat temptations of the flesh but so many are not. I feel like I am going crazy, and I don't like feeling that I need to give in to pre-marital sex just to win a man.
Choose a Truth Seeker
May 26, 2010 / 00:00 amSingle persons have lots of opinions about what things they should be looking for in their future spouse as they go through the dating process. Most of their opinions derive from their checklist of things they want in a person they believe could make them happy. Having a checklist is a normal thing. We all have them. The danger, however, is that the checklist is ever-growing; constantly undergoing revision and additions with each passing year.
The Power of Habits
May 19, 2010 / 00:00 amI came across an excellent article about habits and how significant they are in the human experience called "The Power of Habits: A Tool for Christian Counselors". It is for counselors to use, but is interesting for anyone. As you may already know, "virtues" are Christian habits. So if we develop good habits, we are a better person, thus capable of being virtuous, as required in our Christian faith. I like this article so much, I just wanted to share it with you in its entirety. It is taken from the Covenant Eyes website, which focuses on helping with online accountability, and has an outreach to helping people with pornography issues. But this short article by Rick Thomas is insightful about habits and I thought I would share it with you: Part of God’s kindness to us is that he wired us to be habitual. Habits are very good things. Habits make us better people. Imagine riding a bicycle while looking at your feet to make sure your feet are placed on the pedals. Imagine trying to type while watching your fingers make each key stroke. Imagine running while watching each foot placement on the road. Imagine trying to get out of bed in the morning, while focusing on each muscle movement to make sure they all move in an appropriate and synergetic way. Habits serve us well. Have you ever arrived at some location like work and then reflected that you’re not sure how you got there? The reason for this is because you have made that trip to work hundreds of times. You know the route. You know what to expect. Though you are not on auto-pilot because you are paying attention to the drive, you’re not “overly aware” of all the non-essential aspects along the way. When you first made the trip to work you noticed all kinds of things. You looked at this house and that house. You noticed where the gas stations were as well as any unusual things along your route. We cannot and should not have a hyper-awareness of everything along the route. This would be exhausting. By being habitual, we are able enjoy a freedom as we function in life. The Upside of Habits An illustration of a “freedom in function” is in our prayer life. It is a good thing to have a familiar location for the purpose of prayer. If you pray in a closet, for example, and have been praying in a closet for months or years, you have created an undistracted environment to focus on the important thing, which is unhindered talks with God. When I first “carved out” my prayer spot, I was fully aware of all of my surroundings. When I first began to pray in my closet I noticed the clothes hanging down, the shoes on the floor, the light under the door, and the general layout of our closet. When I sit on the floor of our closet now, I have little to no awareness of these things. It is my habit to pray in the closet. My habits serve me to focus on what is important. The Downside of Habits While habits can be to our spiritual good, there are other habits that drive us to destruction. This is the essence of Galatians 6:1: Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (ESV) The word caught in this text does not mean, “I caught you” as though you were busted. It means you are in a trap as though it now owns you. It controls you. This happens because a person has participated in a certain sin over a period of time until he has created a situation to where when certain events or things happen, he immediately begins a sequence of thinking and doing that leads him to a behavioral sin. A Case Study for Counselors Pornography is the classic example of this. Joe has been struggling with porn for years. It is his habit and he has been captured by his lust for porn. His marriage is not what it ought to be. His wife, Marilyn, is negative and critical and Joe does not know how to lead, love, and disciple her. Both of them are selfish and have been unable to work on the real problems of their marriage. The typical trigger which leads to Joe viewing porn is an argument with Marilyn. Joe is weary of her nagging. He also has a high view of himself, in that he believes he deserves better than what he is receiving from her (read: self-righteousness here). He would like for Marilyn to be something that she is not, and after an argument he begins to spiral down into self-pity. Again, he thinks he deserves better. Over the years, when these things happen, he has turned to pornography and masturbation as a way to “self-medicate” his sinful self-pity. He has habituated himself into porn. The counselor has to take a three-pronged approach in order to help Joe and Marilyn: 1. He needs to help Joe deal with the secondary issue, which is porn. 2. He needs to help Joe see his self-righteousness, which is his core problem. 3. He needs to help Marilyn see how her own self-righteousness, as modeled by her critical and negative disposition, is contributing to Joe’s porn and masturbation. While she is not responsible for Joe’s choice to sin, she is contributing to the problem in very real and practical ways.
Act Like You Want To Date
May 12, 2010 / 00:00 amI want to share with you a note I received from a woman who is struggling to figure out what more she can do to improve her chances of meeting her future husband. I found it to be very insightful and I think many of you could find it useful for your own dating purposes (married purposes, too, for that matter). It applies to men, as well.
Should Men Take Initiative?
Apr 28, 2010 / 00:00 amFr. C. John McCloskey talks about whether or not it is the man's role to propose marriage.