Articles by Anthony Buono
Are women unappreciative?
Feb 10, 2011 / 00:00 amWhat is wrong with some women today?I went into Panera this morning to get some coffee (and I admit their Bear Claws are too good to resist). I was standing in line when in comes a nice looking couple. Always having my business hat on, I paid attention to see if the man would be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. Sure enough, he did. I smiled and thought to myself, “good boy.”Then he kept holding the door because there was another young lady approaching to enter. Well all right, I thought. This is a gentleman. The girl he is with must be proud.I turned back to place my order, and within seconds, I could hear the young woman of that couple not so discretely and angrily chewing him out over something. Was it because he held the door open? Some women don’t care for that. Was it because he held the door open for someone else? Was it for some other reason?I was not able to hear exactly what she was so upset about, nor did I try to. But I could not help thinking, this guy just held the door open for her, giving witness to what it means to be a gentleman and treat a woman properly, and here she is within seconds rudely treating him with such disrespect in a public place.I gave in to the temptation to look over and saw the poor guy just standing there taking it, big sullen eyes and all. I felt very sorry for him. What could he have done to deserve such treatment at 8:00 in the morning on a beautiful sunny day? I doubt it was anything really serious. But even if it was deserving, that is not the time or place. No one deserves to be treated like that in public, for sure, and perhaps at all.Just the way she sounded, it was very degrading. Is this how we talk to the people we love? Barking, shrieking, defaming comments? Unfortunately, this kind of tactic does not accomplish resolution. It might succeed in causing someone to feel bad and apologize, but whatever the issue is, it is not resolved.I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this woman was over-reacting. She is probably the type of woman who is never satisfied and content with a man. Many women lack the appropriate tools a woman should have to draw out the love and devotion a man is capable of when he is with a woman who treats them right.I have heard thousands of women complain about men over the years. Many of the things they complain about are legitimate things, but much of it is not. Women have a tendency to exaggerate and over dramatize what is wrong with men. What bothers me is the bitterness and negative attitude that is expressed along with their complaints.My point is not to get into what are legitimate or non-legitimate reasons why women should be disgusted with men (or men toward women for that matter), but rather to point out that this is a matter of treatment. Women have a lot to say about how they should be treated, but they need to understand (and really work at practicing) how important it is to consider how a man should be treated.For example, if a man does not hold the door open for you, it is not productive to contort your face in an “Are you for real?” type of look and with a snarky tone of voice say, “Don’t worry, I have the door myself.” Copping this kind of attitude only makes things worse. Men do not respond favorably to women who are easily and visibly angered, disturbed and reactionary.One of two things typically happen when women display this attitude.1) The man becomes silent and grows distant. Hopefully, he will recover later. But he might file that incident away and use it as evidence later as to why he should not make the effort to treat her better.2) The man will become apologetic and scramble to do anything necessary to pacify the woman.Either way, she loses. She is either fashioning a man who slowly develops a contempt for her, or she fashions a subdued dog type person, trained to respond to her every outburst and discontent with unquestioned desire to please driven by fear.Not too desirable, wouldn’t you say? Yet, so many women seem to want this. Or if they don’t want it, they don’t understand how they are contributing to it.No matter what it is that a woman has a problem with regarding a man, contemptuous behavior is never productive nor acceptable. If he bothers you that much or brings out the worst in you so easily, then end the relationship. Why compromise the gentle woman you are made to be? A good man is attracted to and tamed by a gentle woman.We are talking about a consistent behavior. Everyone has their moments. Stress, lack of sleep, lack of food, and many other issues can cause arguments. God willing, an apology and hug can make things right. I am addressing a problem among many women today, even good Catholic women, who have allowed themselves to become a way that is very threatening to their ability to love a man. The woman in Panera did not think anything of demoralizing this man she was with in public, caring nothing for what it might look like to others. That means she has developed a bad and dangerous habit of reacting impulsively.You have a problem with this man? Then have some self-control. Have some consideration of the dignity of this man and speak to him privately. It would also serve you well to wait and speak calmly, and in a way that is more inviting and non-threatening.Develop the habit of praying to the Holy Spirit in moments when you sense any negativity brewing inside. Pray “Holy Spirit, help me calm down, preserve my dignity, don’t allow this to be made more than it is, and know that You have your hand on this. Bring me peace.” You will be the better for it.I know there is a lot to complain about when it comes to men, but women need to start appreciating men more. If you have gotten to the point where you don’t thank him when he does something for you, or at least smile in an approving way, then you might be losing appreciation for him. Don’t let that happen.
How kissing affects chastity
Jan 26, 2011 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,I am girl who feels it is important, and choose to, keep my virginity before marriage. This is hard to do in today’s dating climate, even with Catholic men. It seems to be the exception rather than the norm. Anyway, this might seem like a strange question but what is considered appropriate as far as kissing goes? It’s impossible to date and not do anything at all.You have hit on a very sensitive subject that is very close to my heart, and that I have a strong opinion about; namely, the subject of kissing. There are no cut and dry answers to this question. When it comes to kissing or other forms of physical touch before marriage, the opinions about the when and how you do it will vary greatly, depending on who you talk to. As to how kissing is connected to maintaining virginity, that will also vary in opinion a great deal.How we conduct ourselves is a reflection of our interior life. Therefore, the way we speak, the way we dress, the way we behave, etc., all bear witness to what is in our mind, heart, and spiritual life.Kissing is not just something we do. It is an expression of the interior. Let’s be clear that it is a good thing. But there are different types of kissing, and each have their place. The most common three are the peck on the cheek, the pressing of lips, and the more passionate expression of kissing that is known as “French kissing,” where the tongue is involved.I think we can immediately eliminate the peck on the cheek option as being anything negative. Kissing someone on the cheek displays a sign of affection, but hardly qualifies as something immoral or that would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Friends and family express their love for each other this way (even men with other men in many cultures).Now we turn to the kiss on the lips. This one must be considered in the area of the sacred, in my view. I’m sure many will think I am crazy, or perhaps old-fashioned, but the more I understand about the person, marriage, purity, and love, the more I think we are too flippant about the act of kissing.What is wrong with a little kiss with someone you are dating? In one respect, nothing. Again, right now we are talking about a kiss on the lips. And I am not referring to the kind of quick kiss two young people might do because they are shy, curious and, well, young. I am referring to a kiss on the lips for a longer duration of time. There is nothing wrong with this. I don’t believe closed-mouth kisses are typically capable of exciting passions that lead to other physical activity, including that which would break down the defenses of purity that maintain one’s virginity. Unless, of course, the arms get involved. If you hug and press each other close for an extended period of time while kissing, then the risk of exciting passions increases, starting with the temptation to open the mouth and move on to the next kind of kiss.But let’s stay with closed-mouth kissing for a moment. We agree it's not wrong, per se, nor immoral. However, there is symbolism to this action that needs to be considered. The prolonged kiss on the lips is a gesture that represents something more (or at least it should). It represents a willing offering of the heart. Particularly for a woman, a kiss represents the invitation to pursue her heart further.Men should greatly respect this aspect of a women. And a good man is going to feel the same way. The alternative is the risk of heartbreak on either side, men as well as women. If there was kissing involved in a relationship that ends, no matter how brief, there is more given away than just the lips. In that kiss is given the affection that is rooted in the heart.Every young girl dreams of her first kiss. Boys typically do not. They simply want to kiss a girl. Girls want to fall in love. The kiss is a symbol of that possibility. Boys just want to kiss for the pleasure of it. Girls want it to be so much more than that. And they have the power to inspire boys to feel that way too. In that respect, a woman can lead a man in chastity. But a man who has this sensibility and lives it in his dating life inspires the heart of a woman.Saving your kiss for your future spouse may be difficult (if not impossible) for the modern world to practice, but it is wise to try and do. Kissing is definitely a precursor. Preserving your kiss also helps preserve your virginity for your future spouse. It means those who just want sex from you will flee pretty quickly. And that’s good, because that means you learned their quality; which is not much if they are not willing to wait. You are worth the wait.The physical action of kissing is the first line of defense, and to express a physical kiss is to challenge the guards. Once past this guard, other physical allowances will then be challenged and succumbed to.Let this external expression happen and the interior will is weakened. The more you do it, the weaker your will. It is folly to assume that purity can be maintained with passionate kissing. Perhaps there are rare people who have such strong self control that they can kiss deeply and stop there. But most of us cannot. There really is no place for this kind of kissing among two practicing, unmarried Christians. It is too dangerous, and our call to chastity requires we guard against stirring the passions.I suggest focusing on the principle of kissing. We need more unmarried persons considering this. We need them to make the connection of the kiss and the heart, especially men when it comes to a woman’s heart. We need more virgins coming to the altar of the Lord on wedding days. I am convinced that kissing has much to do with why there are not more people who have saved themselves for their wedding day.I realize those dating are faced with the expectations to have sex, even among Catholics, and that my kissing opinion seems unrealistic. We live in a sex obsessed world. Sadly, the kiss is not considered sacred, just as virginity is not. Why not bring back men kissing the hand of a woman? It is charming, it is respectful, it is gentlemanly, and it is very attractive. It also preserves purity while still expressing affection through a kiss.I recognize that it might be unrealistic to expect this, and that people do kiss people they don't actually end up marrying. I don’t want to imply that I think people are wrong, or bad, or immoral if they engage in kissing someone they don’t marry. It’s not a matter of what is wrong or right. I just want to challenge people to think about this more, and consider something counter-cultural that might actually help the big picture when it comes to dating and marriage. It’s a matter of strengthening our will, because a weak will easily makes excuses for actions. We should consider what is important, and consider our motives, and consider the "Why?" of an action long before we "decide" to do it. Just maybe this will help protect purity even better.Perhaps if we focused on preserving the kiss and seeing it as a gift rather than a right when dating, the issues of pre-marital sex and the loss of virginity would naturally go away. I just pray that my children, at least, will see it that way. I don’t intend to be unrealistic about this, but I am teaching them as they grow how things like kissing are connected to love, marriage, and virginity, and the meaning behind actions.Virginity is sacred and should be cherished. But it cannot be if we are not willing to consider all physical contact, including kissing, to play an important role very much connected to virginity.
How to approach a cohabitating couple
Jan 12, 2011 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I just read advice you gave to a woman concerning dating a divorced man. I have a beautiful stepdaughter who is living with a divorced man who has two children. Please, can you give me, her stepmother, some practical advice on how to approach her on this subject, how to show her that I love her, but at the same time, not compromise the Truth. I do not want to create any more of a wedge between us.
What not to do on a first date
Dec 22, 2010 / 00:00 amFew experiences in life can be more nerve-wracking than going on a first date. There is great anticipation. You’re excited. You’re nervous. You’re not sure what to expect.In many years working with single Catholics, I have been privy to hearing about thousands of first date experiences. So I have learned a thing or two about what you should or should not do on a first date. What to do is the easy part. Be friendly, be courteous, be considerate, be open-minded, and mind your manners. And be yourself!What not to do is the harder part. It’s harder primarily because what you should not do is subjective. The fact is there are some objective things you just should not do on a first date. You might disagree, but the following DON’TS come from many first date horror stories.Don’t be lateTo be early is to be on time. Being late starts things off on the wrong foot and sends an unfortunate initial negative message. Show respect for your date by not running late. If you are running late, have the courtesy to call. And don’t give a lame excuse. Just own it and be honest. You will be respected more.Don’t dress downPut some effort into your appearance. Being too casual can come across as being lazy or like you just don’t care either way. You want to come across like this is an important event. Look nice and well groomed. Get a haircut, look up-to-date in styles, without being flashy or trashy. There are settings for dressing down, but don’t make the first date be one of them.Don’t use your phoneFor the love of God, put the phone away. You want this person to know you want to be with him or her. Leaving the phone on the table is tacky. Looking at the phone or checking for messages is ridiculous. The phone ringing while you are conversing with this person is annoying. Taking a call while on the date is a deal breaker. Sure there are emergencies. This is understandable. But make sure you tell the person immediately upon the introductions that you have a phone and what you intend to do with it during this date if it is really that important.Don’t scope another personTo state the obvious, when you are on a date, don’t look at other members of the opposite sex as they walk by. It’s hurtful and embarrassing. Can there be anything more damaging to making a person feel unique or special?Don’t be too seriousRelax and have fun. Show you have a good sense of humor. Laugh. If you are too serious and trying too hard, it will show and it can make for an unpleasant evening. Keep it light and just enjoy each other. Don’t get obnoxious or try to be too funny. Be balanced. Everyone wants someone with a good sense of humor. So be yourself and make each other laugh and feel at ease.Don’t be too independentNothing wrong with being old fashioned. Gentlemen, hold the door for the ladies. And ladies, graciously accept this kind offer. Guys, ask permission to say or do something. She will feel respected. Ladies, ask him to help you with something. He will feel useful. If this all sounds so outdated and ridiculous, I will ask you to show me the statistics that modern dating independent behavior and methods have proven more successful.Don’t do all the talkingDating is about dialogues, not monologues. Someone who talks too much comes across as being self-centered. It’s very unattractive. Show that you are interested in hearing what your date has to say or in learning more about them. Keep your commentary short, and ask questions. If you are not a talker, you cannot just sit there and wait for the other to come up with all the topics. Too much dead air is uncomfortable. Be ready to share and initiate, as well as respond.Don’t over do itNo excessive drinking of alcohol, flirting, sharing, etc. You don’t want to get too tipsy or drunk, which will make you do things you will regret. You don’t want to come across as too forward by flirting too much. And there is no need to dump on this poor person your entire life story or your past relationship woes. It’s too much too soon. Keep everything in balance and respectable.Don’t let the girl payI know there is much disagreement on this, as discussed before, but the man should pay on the date. Ask her out, take her out, and pay her way. It’s classy and it’s impressive. Don’t allow for any awkward moment that she would even have to wonder if she should pay, or offer to. Going dutch is never smooth. When the check comes, guys, just reach over and take control of it. She will love it and feel very special.Don’t touch the merchandiseTouching in any way is unnecessary on a first date. So no holding hands nor kissing on the lips. Touching another person is a very intimate thing. You are far from sharing intimacy, so don’t touch. Build the anticipation of a first kiss over time. There is a right moment for it, and it’s much more romantic to build toward it than for it to just “happen” at the end of the first date.Don’t temptYou might think you are mature and above such things as being concerned with the near occasion of sin, but you would be mistaken. Sexual attraction is the most natural thing about being in a relationship with the opposite sex. Being alone with this person in a place that can allow for sexual temptations to be submitted to is imprudent. So don’t go back to his or her apartment and be alone. I know you “know” nothing will happen, but it just might. And besides, it does not look good and it does not show respect to the person you are dating.Don’t get marriedMaybe I am exaggerating. But you would be surprised how many people are trying to figure out if this is the person they are going to marry while on their first date. That’s counterproductive. It’s not an interview, and it does not have to be love at first sight for it to potentially be your future spouse. It takes time to know. Start on the right foot by having no expectations or pre-conceived notions.Don’t write offFirst dates in general are throw away dates. You are likely not going to get the whole genuine person on that date because of the pressure. If you think the first date did not go well, try a second date. It will probably be better. If the person did something negative, give them another chance. It can’t hurt to forgive and understand, and see if it persists.
What's wrong with Lino Rulli?
Dec 8, 2010 / 00:00 amIn case you don’t know, Lino Rulli is the host of “The Catholic Guy” show on Sirius Satellite Radio, on which I am frequently a guest. Lino and I have a great time on his program as we attempt to address issues single Catholics face. Lino also happens to be an eligible bachelor.As I have gotten to know Lino, I cannot help think that there is no reason a nice guy with a good job and moderately nice looks (I don’t want him to get a big head) should not have success finding a nice girl and settling down. Especially on a Catholic dating site like Ave Maria Singles, of which he is a member.We have addressed his dating life often and I have heard where he is coming from regarding why he is still unmarried. I know him well enough that he will not mind me asking the question, “What’s wrong with Lino Rulli?”What’s wrong with Lino is what is wrong with many men and women. Their expectations are way too high. On a recent program, I asked Lino what exactly he’s looking for. He said he wants an Italian girl who lives in New York, is younger than him (preferably much younger), and is Catholic but not too Catholic (???).That’s being pretty selective. Well, it shouldn’t be too hard, right? New York must be full of Italian not-too-Catholic girls who are much younger than he is. Apparently not. He’s still single.I suggested that he might be narrowing things too much and probably inhibiting his ability to notice the good women whom God is putting in his path. He seemed to think that God knows him well enough and He is powerful enough to make this happen for him the way he would like. It’s hard to argue with that.This is what is called the problem of “expectations.” We all have them. It is quite natural to have expectations about the person you hope to meet, fall in love with, and marry. But it can be very crippling to have too many expectations (and worse, unrealistic expectations).So many people write into us at Ave Maria Singles wanting to know how many people are in their local area. They want to find out if there is someone in their town BEFORE they will join. Surprisingly, this makes sense to them. But it is a very narrow view. You need peripheral vision to understand that this is the wrong approach to meeting someone these days.The fact is, if the person you are seeking has not been found locally in more natural, traditional ways, it is highly unlikely you will find this person locally in an online search.So the problem with the Lino Rulli’s of the world is they want what they want, when they want it. Let me say that again. They want....what they want.....when they want it.And just like that, God cannot work in their dating lives. Why? Control. We are controlling people. Even those with a strong faith in God still are tempted to want (and insist on having) control of their lives.That “check list” of requirements in the person we will marry is quite long, and always getting longer as time goes by and our age increases. That’s because as we age, we become set in our ways and more particular in our tastes. The limitations we impose on those we date can prohibit us from seeing the very obvious good person who can be right in our path.The more expectations we have the blinder we get. And expectations of others without a balance of expectations on ourselves is unwise. We get to the point where all that matters is that we have our own desires satisfied, and we give no thought to what the other person might expect of us. So what is the answer? It is something we generally don’t like to hear. Be open-minded and attentive to the people whom God does put in your path. Shut down the fantasies of those whom you want to come along but never will. They are phantoms, mirages. They are distractions that blind you to the people God wants you to meet and choose from.I believe Lino could be married and with many children by now. He will argue that the right one has not come along. I would argue that he is right ONLY in the sense that it is based on his own benchmark, not an authentic openness to God’s will.I feel sorry for those who are focused on a long list of expectations, especially when they do nothing about improving themselves. I personally don’t believe that most unmarried Catholics are incapable of being married. I just think they don’t “measure up” to the impossible standards that so many people have.And the result? Too many people who “should” be married are not. And babies that “should” be brought into the world are not. And all this because the girl is not Italian? Doesn’t live in New York? Is too Catholic? Is not the right age?There are some expectations that are critical. The person needs to have God as the authority of their life, Whom they defer to when they need direction, forgiveness and mercy. They need to be someone who desires to become a better person, growing in virtue, and be capable of forgiving others and asking for forgiveness.Resist the temptation to be overly critical of others based on your personal tastes and be open to the beauty and uniqueness that each person has to share. And find a way to limit those requirements. Do you really want to pass up on a God-send just because they don’t live in your area?The good news is Lino has reformed his ways and no longer requires an Italian. So there is hope for us all.Lino, you know I love ya. :-)
Cut the 'friend fat' out of your life
Dec 1, 2010 / 00:00 amTake a look at this Jimmy Kimmel video where he declares “National Unfriend Day” (with a funny cameo by William Shatner). He questions the concept of Facebook “friends.” He encourages people to “unfriend” those who aren’t true friends.I have to admit that I share his view. His points are amusing, but I think they are valid. There is a breakdown with the fundamental meaning of friendship. Much like the word “love,” the word “friend” is a term used quite loosely that can often have no real meaning.The concept of what a friend is has a broad spectrum of meaning, depending on each person’s frame of reference. To some people, a friend is someone you can trust to be there for you, regardless of what happens. To others, a friend is an acquaintance, someone to keep in the network of all other persons they want to keep in touch with.The word friend also has a negative connotation to some when it comes to dating in the sense of break ups. “Let’s just be friends” is another way of saying that you are no longer interested in pursuing a romantic relationship toward marriage. So we cringe at that very statement when we are dating someone we really like.For myself, I take the word friend very seriously. I have used it rarely. I have had very few people in my life who I would truly and sincerely call a friend. For me, a friend means a person whom God has brought into your life as a gift, whom you want to get to know, who is loved unconditionally for the person they are and not the things they do, who is trusted and depended on to be there no matter what.It is voluntary and mutual. There is a desire to be in each other’s company, and to share things that are deeper than the surface only because you know this person wants to know these things and can be trusted with them. True friends bring out the best in each other and will stand and defend you where others would abandon you. They are there when you fail in your life, or even when you hurt them. They look out for your best interests, and tell you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.Sirach 6: 14-15 A faithful friend is a strong defense: and he that hath found him, hath found a treasure. Nothing can be compared to a faithful friend, and no weight of gold and silver is able to countervail the goodness of his fidelity.Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times.This kind of friendship does not just happen. It cannot be fabricated, or manipulated into being. It is something that is planned by God and is meant to be accepted as the gift it is. It comes along rarely, just as Sacred Scripture describes. How many have even one true friend they can say fits the above description? This concept of friendship is absolutely the concept of friendship Jesus had in mind when it comes to His love of His disciples. It is an unconditional love, and it is not exclusive to a couple dating, engaged or married.The friendship as described above has marriage qualities to it. It implies faithfulness, loyalty, and permanence. A good friend is hard to find because too many of us do not want the commitment that true friendship requires.Marriage is very similar. To be married to a person you share this kind of friendship with is an unimaginable blessing. If two people take the time to develop a relationship like this, they will have a marriage that will be indestructible by anything life throws at them.How do two people develop such a friendship? I believe it starts with the concept of dependency. We really do have to depend on each other if we are to live love in marriage. Marriage is teamwork. Two become one body; one life; one team. You are very much dependent. So we have to come across as ourselves being dependent, which opens the door to someone taking up the role of being dependable. Who wants to be with someone who is completely independent; who doesn’t really need you?We are not talking about the “needy” type; one who clings to the other or can’t do anything without the other. And we are not talking about dependency that takes away independence. You can need someone and not be needy, and you can be a very independent person and still need and want to depend on someone.This dependency on each other fosters the concept of being a companion, or the Biblical term, “suitable partner.” You go together like a nice suit because you need each other. You develop an understanding that you take into the wedding day when you make the commitment to the other.Without this mutual understanding, the marriage has a 50/50 chance. Feelings of love and attraction come and go. Sharing similar interests also comes and goes. What remains unchanged is the understanding of the relationship; that love that has fused the two of you so that your life depends on each other.For example, a 40 year old woman may have an understanding with a man as they are dating that he is not everything she ever wanted in a man romantically. She wants to have children before it is too late and accepts the realities of this relationship. She cannot go back to him within the marriage and complain that he is not everything she ever wanted in a man romantically.Perhaps two 25 year olds want to marry and have children but don’t have money, nor either a promising career yet. They go into marriage with a mutual understanding that their financial situation might always be a struggle. They depend on each other to keep to that understanding, not one use it against the other later.Finally, I think of St. Thomas More. His first wife, a quiet and good-natured woman named Jane Colt, died, leaving him a widower with four children. Within two weeks, More married a strong and outspoken woman named Alice Middleton, whom he said was the best available woman who would make a good mother for his children. They had an understanding about what the marriage would be. Both parties mutually accepted the understanding, and depended on each other to keep this understanding in the marriage. Subsequently, they had a happy marriage.Marital friendship does not require you to be “best friends” in the sense of being inseparable, having mutual interests, and never getting tired of each other. Marital friendship requires two people to understand who they are and what they need and want, as well as who the other person is and what they need and want. They need to be willing to be dependent on each other for these needs and share a life together because of who the other is, not based on what they do. It requires two people who understand that the other is not perfect, who mutually respect each other and strive to be their companion and helpmate, not control their life nor make demands on them. They accept each other and work within the mutual understanding they committed to at the time of the marriage.Developing the friendship first in dating can be very valuable toward this goal. However, it is also completely possible to start dating someone seriously that you are not close friends with. Both roads can lead to marital love that works. If you are best friends as well as close companions dependent on each other, all the better. But having a love that depends and counts on each other is the priority. You don’t have to have best friendship in order to love each other, but rather you can grow into close friendship as you love each other.As you date, be aware of the need for mutual dependency, and the need to understand yourself and the other so you are capable of entering into marriage with an understanding that you both can stick to and live by. This dependency and established understanding will help bring you closer and closer together as true friends for a lifetime.
Do single men put the toilet seat down?
Nov 24, 2010 / 00:00 amPicture Dwight Schrute saying, “Question. Do single men put the toilet seat down?” That’s a good question, Dwight. Are toilet seats really the kind of subject matter for polite conversation? I suppose not. But I have to say, the toilet seat question is actually a pretty big deal. Perhaps it shouldn’t be, but for many women, the ability of a man to put the toilet seat down is a courtesy they expect and a sign that he loves her and cares. Of course, since we are in the restroom, we should also address the replacing the toilet paper issue; namely, the annoying action of just plopping it on top of the holder instead of putting it on the roller. Guys, do you put the seat down? And do you put the roll on the roller or just plop it on top? I honestly don’t remember when I was single if I did these things. But that’s because I’m a guy, and we really don’t think about such things.These are not just issues of the married. If you live at home with your family and have to deal with male siblings or your father, or if you have male visitor to your home, etc., you have crossed this issue. However, for the married, it can be the kind of issue that triggers larger issues that are outstanding and unresolved, thus being the catalyst for a good fight, typically involving yelling and accusations about what is wrong with the other, with a desire to hopefully (though unrealistically) change the other person. If it could be caught on camera and viewed by a large audience, it would result in much laughter. Perhaps a comedian or two have done skits on this. I’m not sure. But nothing would compare to seeing it unfold with the actual persons.It starts with the absurdity the wife feels for the lack of consideration by the husband to leave the toilet seat up, or if the toilet paper remains on top of the roller. A kind of “last straw” look comes over her face, followed by a storming out of the restroom in pursuit of locating the good-for-nothing husband (Keep in mind she has totally abandoned the original purpose for which she has gone into the restroom in the first place, at least for the time being).Upon locating said good-for-nothing, she asks a why question. “Why do you insist on leaving that [choice words] toilet seat up?” Notice the question includes a harsh assumption (i.e. insist), and said in a tone that is out of proportion with the question, as if to really state “This means war!” I have never quite understood why women consider this to be the best first tactic. Why ask why? Do women really think men do this on purpose? Picture a man going into his lavatory (I love that word) and saying to himself “Now, remember, don’t touch that seat, we really want to get her goat this time,” or “No, don’t put that roll of paper on the roller unless you want her to think you really care.” I have to believe women know ahead of time there is no answer to that “why?” question. Most why questions have no answer. Just walk up to him with a smile, sit him down, take his hand, and say, “Now darling, I love you very much, you know that, but I just want you to know that when you don’t put the seat down it bothers me.” Perhaps add, in only the gentle, loving way a wife can, “so please put the seat down or I will tear your hair out, my love. Thank you.” Will this solve the problem? Of course not. Men are dense, and they don’t think. Does that make us terrible or incapable of marriage? Not at all. We are simply slow to learn when it comes to such things.But if men could learn to put the seat up and to help out by putting the toilet paper on the roller instead of plopping it on top, it would go a long way in many ways. 1) It will make her happy. And guys, we do want to make our girl happy, no?2) It will NOT go unnoticed. Women notice these things and they take note. You will get some major brownie points.3) You develop a very good habit. It not only accomplished the goal, but it also teaches you how to think about little things that don’t exactly matter to you either way. It will open the door to other thoughtful things around the house you could start doing that otherwise you would not.4) You have a nice card to play if and when you get in trouble about some other little thing. “At least I am putting the seat down, right?” Having a card like that will always defuse the explosion that is coming at you.Unfortunately, old habits die hard, so us married men have to endure causing many hardships on our wives and the aftermath of our rude misdemeanors around the house. But there is hope for the single men who have time now to change their ways.Single men and women who want to be married should be living their lives as single people developing habits that are conducive and productive for their future married life. You will avoid many unnecessary disturbances in the home. But more than that, you will have laid the foundation for becoming a person who will be thoughtful on more important and larger issues that can really make a marriage last and provide a maximum of happiness for the other.This is a noble goal, to make another person as happy as they can be. A thoughtful, attentive spouse can make that happen in a big way. A thoughtless, self-absorbed spouse can make it just the opposite.So if you want to make a girl happy, get into that habit of putting the seat down and putting the toilet paper on the roller. Then start finding out other things that really make women smile and feel special, and develop those habits. When you get married, you will be bringing to the table a lot of good little things that can make a difference.A final word to the ladies. I know our frat house ways are disturbing, but do go easy on us. We are not personally out to get you. We love you very much and want your happiness. It’s just that we are men. And please, please, if your problem is really with the toilet seat, then stick to only the toilet seat issue. We cannot process an entire lifetime of rude and selfish behaviors thrown at us all at once. You have a better shot at helping change our ways with a gentle and focused approach. Otherwise, we will shut down and distance ourselves. Love is in the little things that say you really noticed what is important to the one you love.
How to move on after a break up
Nov 17, 2010 / 00:00 amYou have broken up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Your marriage you hoped would last has ended in divorce. Your spouse has died leaving you a widow. How do you move on?Going through the end of a relationship is...... Hard? Difficult? Crushing?Well, it’s kind of foolish to try and to describe something so indescribable. The mystery of the emotional experience that comes from a relationship being over has no benchmark, and cannot be consoled in any universal way. This experience is unique to each person who goes through it because every person is unique. Because none of us can be duplicated, no experience we go through can be duplicated by anyone else. Even if we have gone through the same kind of experience as someone else, it is never experienced exactly the same way at the personal level.Therefore, moving on afterward is no easy task because there is no one else in the whole world who has gone through what you have gone through. Not really, anyway. Because of this fact, how we cope and get through it, and ultimately move on, is dependent on God and His grace.This might sound very pious and a typical thing for some religious person to say, but it is no less true. Only God knows us completely, and only God can help us as we need to be helped. The fact is you are broken and in need of healing. You are in need of a physician to fix you and make things right again. What human person is qualified to do that?What can another person really do to help? You break up with someone, or you get divorced, or you become a widow. What can someone else really do? They feel bad and try to console. But how much does this really help your bottom line?This kind of help is called “sympathy." Sympathy takes the time to acknowledge another’s pain and suffering, but cannot identify with it, and therefore, cannot have a connection with the person. They are on the outside looking in. That is the best they can do. It’s wonderful when someone has sympathy, but this cannot work toward healing the suffering person. For example, a man is dying of cancer. His boss learns of it and shares his sadness to hear this news. He cannot possibly know what this man is going through, and therefore his level of concern stops at being on the outside observing the suffering.The closest a human person can come to helping someone who is suffering is to have “empathy.” Empathy has to do with sharing in the experience; to enter in and be with the person or to go through it with them in some way. A person capable of empathizing with another person can do wonders toward helping that person.A typical place to find empathy is from someone very close to you who knows you well and loves you deeply (i.e., a family member or a close friend) or someone who has gone through something very similar. These two kinds of people can empathize. If you are suffering, finding someone who can empathize with you can really help you heal.Interestingly enough, any person can develop the ability to empathize. In fact, it is part of the Christian call to sanctity to be someone who can empathize. The more we are able to put ourselves into the shoes of another person, the more we are able to step outside of our own selfishness and develop the selfless love for one another Jesus commands us to have.You see, only Jesus Christ has gone through whatever any human being will ever go through. He knows what it is like to go through what you are going through: the betrayal of a friend; the loss of loyalty and trust; the agony of physical, mental, and emotional trauma; the hypocrisy of words of promise not backed up with the action required; etc.Jesus shared our human nature and therefore experienced all of the human condition. And being God at the same time, He knows us completely and has the power to heal us. He is the Divine Physician. His agony and death are how He ensured He would empathize with us. And as Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen said, no one could ever say, “What does God know about what I suffer?”He is the only one capable of having complete empathy for every human being. Therefore, Jesus Christ is the only answer to how you move on after a break up, or a divorce, or the death of a spouse. He has the only answer to the question “why?” Look at the Apostles' Creed. His life is summed up simply as He was born, He suffered, He died, He rose from the dead. His life is our life. Our suffering has purpose because it leads to the resurrection.Empathy is the road to resurrection. If we really want to help others (and God knows we need more people today who desire to really and truly want to help others), we would learn how to practice empathy. Get out of yourself and make the effort to make the deeper connection with what someone is going through.Those of you who need to move on after a dating or marriage set back, and are certainly in inexplicable pain, find people who can empathize with you. They will share Jesus Christ with you just by their care.We move on from our broken relationships by healing. Seek the help you need to heal. But the great source of healing is your prayer to Jesus that primarily comes through the Eucharistic Lord at the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass (which represents that great act of love on the cross to secure His eternal empathy for us), and visiting the Blessed Sacrament where you talk to Jesus and beg Him to heal you. The graces that come from turning to the Eucharistic Lord are immeasurable, and have healing properties greater than anything human scientists and physicians can come up with.It cannot go without saying that the mother of Christ, the Blessed Virgin Mary, is an important person to draw close to for empathy. Simply said, she was the Co-Redeemer along with her Son. She knows, full well, what all human beings go through. To be close to her is to be close to Jesus, and you will know empathy.As you begin your healing process, never forget what you have gone through, and learn from it. At the same time, take your experiences and share yourself with others who go through what you go through. Become an imitator of Christ and His mother by becoming an empathetic person, and a vehicle of Christ to help heal others. This will bring you closer to God. It will also help give purpose and meaning to what you have gone through.
Is marriage really forever?
Nov 10, 2010 / 00:00 amSunday’s Gospel reading (Lk 20:27-38) addressed marriage, though its purpose was to question the resurrection. However, it does give a married person some pause when heard. The Sadducees, who do not believe in the Resurrection, attempt to trip Jesus up. They outline the story of a woman who was married to seven brothers at one point in her life before dying herself, and they ask the question of whose wife will the woman be in the resurrection.
Is praying for a spouse realistic?
Oct 27, 2010 / 00:00 amThe readings for Sunday Mass this past week bring out essential truths about how God works in our lives when it comes to prayer. Those truths are: God waits for our prayers, hears our prayers, and acts on our prayers. We have to pray if God is to act. God’s action is our lives is the philosophical principle of causality. If you pray to God, then He will act.
Do you love me?
Oct 20, 2010 / 00:00 amMy son’s high school is ambitiously attempting to perform “Fiddler on the Roof” for the school play. In preparation for tryouts, we watched the film as a family. It was the first time for all the kids and they loved it. The story brilliantly shows how the story of love for each couple can vary greatly, but still accomplishes the end goal.
How can you become friends first with online dating?
Oct 13, 2010 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I heard your "Friendship First" radio show. I do believe friendship should come first in a relationship. However, it seems to me that with online dating, the relationship is already more than a friendship. Courtship seems to begin right away. It is not a natural way to meet people, let alone become friends. Do you have any tips about fostering friendship with online dating?
Finding a good woman: from God's point of view
Sep 22, 2010 / 00:00 amI was at a restaurant for lunch today and saw an amusing sign that said "If you don’t like my attitude, stop talking to me." Sometimes I wonder if this isn’t what women are saying to men today. And sure enough, men do stop talking to women when they don’t like their attitude.
Why cruise with AMS?
Sep 15, 2010 / 00:00 amHere is a brief interview I gave answering some questions about why everyone should join us on our Mexican Riviera cruise.