Articles by Anthony Buono
Finding a good man (from God's point of view)
Jul 6, 2011 / 00:00 amSome time ago I wrote about a good wife from God’s point of view. Since then, many have written to me requesting that I write about a good husband from God’s point of view. I put it off because unlike the Scripture passages that specifically say “A good wife....,” there are no passages that specifically say “A good husband...”Interesting. Does this mean that God is not as concerned about what a good husband should be, only what a good wife should be?This week, a man wrote to me in response to an article I wrote concerning women who are tempted to call a man after the first date. He said “I believe it is my role to pursue, but women still tell me they are too busy or not interested.” His concern is being rejected.There lies part of the answer of what a good man should be, and what makes for a good husband. I explained to him that the life of a man is to pursue and to be rejected. This obviously applies to dating in that men have to ask women out, and they will likely undergo a fair amount of rejection before meeting a woman who is open to his further pursuit.But it also applies to marriage. Pursuit and rejection do not end once you are married. A man must continue to pursue his wife. A man is always at work to make the one he loves feel special, loved, treasured, in short; make her feel happy. Her joy, in turn, is to be all the things God points out through the Scriptures about what a good wife should be.No one likes to be rejected, but men have to learn how to accept rejection. It is part of the job description. If men are going to date or be a husband some day, then they have to subject themselves to rejection and take being rejected well.As the man pursues the one he loves, he might be rejected, even in marriage. There are many reasons why a woman might not be open to her husband. Perhaps he did something stupid (I know, hard to believe, right?) and she has distanced herself. Or perhaps she is going through something emotionally that causes her to be not the most attractive person at that moment. The man’s role is to rise above his feelings and do whatever he can to reinstate her.This is very biblical. St. Paul, the book of Song of Songs, and God’s love for Israel as compared to a bride and bridegroom. We see God and the person of Jesus associated as the male role in a love relationship and in marriage.St. Paul provides the call of a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the Church. The Song of Songs is the presentation of the courtship of God and His people Israel, with God (the bridegroom) pursuing the Church (the bride), and is the symbol of the union of Christ and His Church. And there are many passages (found in Isaiah, Jeremiah and Ezekiel) of God living out his unbreakable covenant of love with Israel, even when she is unworthy and unlovable.God pursues, both during courtship as well as during the marriage. He is always pursuing, even when his bride is unfaithful. God shows that a man in love is never stationary, and his pursuit never comes to an end. He is always on the move, because love inspires him to act on behalf of his beloved.He also shows us that a good man/husband has a sense of dedication, devotion, and service; making the life of his wife and family a priority over his own:Ephesians 5:25-27: Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.Clearly, St. Paul is saying that the man has the responsibility to sanctify his wife through a sacrificial love. His “mission” is to die for his wife in every way possible. The splendor of his wife represents himself. A good man, therefore, proves he is at the service of others, ready and available when there is a need, able and willing to put aside his own wants and needs for a higher good. A woman, in turn, has to respond and she has to lend support for your mission. But that is another matter.Living these qualities while single and displaying them during the dating process is essential. A woman wants to know she is special and unique to you. She is not going to assume or hope you will love like this later and marry you now. She needs to experience love that pursues and is dedicated to only her. She will then slowly but surely build trust in your love and open her heart until finally she is completely yours.Pursue with courage and without ceasing. Be respectful, kind, considerate, and patient. Take rejection like a man, always renew your resolve, keep working on yourself and improving the way you pursue. Stay close to God with confidence in His love for you, and confidence in who you are. Smile, have a good sense of humor, and keep serving others. Never give up. There is a woman out there for you, and lots of rejection to endure before you find her.
Is unconditional love realistic for marriage?
Jun 15, 2011 / 00:00 amIt is a popular notion that the love between a man and a woman should be unconditional; without any condition of love in return by the other. This is a very romantic notion. Who wouldn’t want to be loved unconditionally in marriage?
Confirmed Bachelor: Why good men stay single
Jun 8, 2011 / 00:00 amSorry, guys. This article is specifically to discuss the things men do wrong when it comes to getting to the bottom line; marriage and family life. I earnestly want to see confirmed bachelor syndrome die. I see too many men subscribing to the deception. Permit me to give you my top 5 symptoms of confirmed bachelor syndrome.#1 - Lost with no direction.Why is there so much over-thinking about if God wants you to be married? Historically, the majority of people born into this world marry and have children. It is the default vocation of the natural order. Rare is the vocation to the priesthood, religious life or (even rarer) consecrated single life. The confirmed bachelor is none of those things. He is simply in the state he arrived in from his mother’s womb; an unmarried man. Too many men waste a tremendous amount of time because they are not sure what God wants. All men should pursue marriage until they get a call to serve God and His people as a celibate priest, religious or single man. Date the women God brings into your life, choose the most suitable one, and commit to marriage.The confirmed bachelor is an excuse maker, waiting for God to speak directly to him in words of direction. He knows these won’t come, but it sure helps him justify his indecision.#2 - Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free?Here is a question you will not find on a dating website profile: “How many women have you had pre-marital sex with and what age did you start having sex?” You won’t see this question because no one would answer it truthfully. Many men, even Catholics, are having sex before marriage. Some have sex with women they would never marry, while trying to find a pure girl (some even requiring a virgin) to marry. Some have sex with the girl they are dating instead of building a quality relationship founded on friendship, faith, trust, and respect formed by his leadership and example.Every girl these men have sex with does the following:a) Disrespects women in general.b) Erodes their own ability to love, honor and respect a woman for the requirements of marriage.c) Develops a contraceptive and divorce mentality.The confirmed bachelor is only unmarried, in my view, specifically because he is able to have sex without the marriage commitment. If men couldn’t get sex, they would get married. (I guess I just implied something very wrong with women today, huh? Oops!)#3 Taking your sweet time.Men have time. Women do not. Men can get married at whatever age and still have children. Women have precious little fertility time, which typically ends sometime in their 40’s.Having whatever time they need (or so they think), men keep their options open. Young men are too young to settle down. They want to enjoy dating, pursue their interests, have fun, etc. He is too young to marry in his 20’s and too busy to marry in his 30’s.At 40 they start to realize they should take finding a woman and getting married seriously. They want children, so they disregard the women of their own age group and are only open to women in their 20’s and 30’s. Women much younger are creeped out by these much older men approaching them (there are exceptions, but they are just that....exceptions). Men enter their 50’s and 60’s still looking for someone not older than 40 so they can at least get one child out of her (presuming he is successful finding that rare woman who wants to marry a man whom she might get a few good years with before being left alone to raise the children). #4 Blame the finances.Too often men use their financial situation as an excuse to put off marriage. Shame on them for thinking God is fine with their putting off marriage (and don’t hide behind the “but I can’t find a good woman” excuse, they are plentiful and accessible).Women want to be loved with exclusivity and affection, and that is their true security. Some are gold diggers, but most are not. Women need security. Not financial security, but earnings capability security. Are you making a good living that can support a family? Are you educated and resourceful enough to find work wherever you need to in order to support the family? Are you committed to the concept of providing for a family?Supporting a family is also a subjective thing. The quality of life spiritually, emotionally, practically and psychologically can be of the highest quality no matter where you live and how much you make.A confirmed bachelor is not too anxious to take on the responsibility of being the head of the household and breadwinner. He feels it is an old-fashioned notion for men to provide in a single income family.#5 Hot or Not: looking for love in all the wrong places.I can’t tell you how many great Catholic women who will make exceptional wives and mothers remain single because of men on a quest to find the wrong girl.They’re in pursuit of a so-called “hot” woman. The real women are beautiful in their own unique ways, regardless of age or weight, if men would allow their eyes and heart to see.Men think it’s possible to find a girl who is a good Catholic but also “hot,” but they will take her hotter over holier (I am not kidding here). Those women who have it all (objectively gorgeous as well as very religious and with great personality) do exist. But guys, do you notice the men they end up with? They are 10’s too. Sorry Charlie.The fact is most “hot” girls are high maintenance, or lack qualities that make for a good wife and mother. They know men want them because of their looks and they sadly make a game of men.A confirmed bachelor is one who will never make the commitment to marriage because he just doesn’t need to. He can satisfy every selfish need without having to live an unselfish life of sacrifice for another or others.As I said, this is a list of symptoms of Confirmed Bachelor Syndrome. Many men who do have the syndrome are curable. So no ladies, all men are NOT pigs, nor are they purposely trying to hurt you. They do not need your anger, bashing, or condemnation. They need your prayers, kindness, gentleness, and understanding. And they need you to do your part to not enable them.Men, hang in there. Be humble. Recognize these things, wake up, and realize the error of your ways. Ask for the grace of conversion. If you show signs of any of these symptoms of Confirmed Bachelor Syndrome, please take action and seek help right away for relief and freedom into the healthier lifestyle men are called to. Your future wife and children are depending on you.
Can you handle the unexpected?
Jun 1, 2011 / 00:00 amThe ease of a relationship is usually what makes two people dating believe they have found “the one.”I often tell people that you need to take a long road trip so you get to see all sides of this so-called perfect person. Lots of true colors can come up on a long road trip. It’s good to see these colors, in order to see how you cope with the unexpected.Circumstances and disappointments are the cornerstone of any relationship. If you want to be in a great relationship of love and happiness, you have to accept that things are not going to go like you want them to. It will be filled with lots of unexpected things.If you cannot cope well with the unexpected, it could mean you have a problem with change. More specifically, it might be that you are too easily upset if things do not go as you expect. Change is a MUST when it comes to marital love. Whenever you live a relationship with another human being, there will be change. Therefore, you have to learn to change your attitude about approaching life.Those who cannot make the necessary adjustments to the other person usually find themselves upset. Their inability to cope with the unexpected causes the overall relationship to develop big problems. One thing you learn about in good marriage preparation is how to determine whether a problem that arises requires a must-change in behavior or attitude, or to just forgive and move on. This implies that we are not to be doormats regarding things we expect. If we have reasonable expectations, then it can sometimes be valid to want them resolved.A typical argument a couple might have starts with: “I'm not even going to talk to you about this anymore because I know I can't change your mind." If you really "know" you can't change someone's mind, then you need to find peace with it within yourself. Find that peace, accept what you cannot change, and move on. Some people are never going to enjoy Disney vacations, or documentary movies, or hang their clean towel up. If you truly believe they won't change, there's no point in arguing.However, in the moment, it's the “dealing” with the unexpected that reveals who we are and where we are in our spiritual life. This is where having a good sense of humor and a firm trust in God’s will in all things helps us. So you might be a little late and you like to be on time? So you were really looking forward to doing something and the other doesn’t feel like it? Building a relationship is about adjusting to the situation when it is called for. So many petty things are turned into major issues simply because your plans and your will must dominate.Far too often, those who are in a dating relationship are ready to throw in the towel because of some difficult circumstances. The other doesn’t talk as much as you want them to, or they talk too much, or they don’t readily talk about things you want to talk about. Or maybe the other has something about their past or upbringing that you would prefer never happened. We are often tempted to take it as a sign that this must not be the one. But in fact, you may need to consider if you have a serious coping problem. And frankly, if you take yourself way too seriously. To take yourself too seriously means you cannot see past your own expectations, and thus you are easily thrown off course and distance yourself. The person on the receiving end of this response cannot help but feel they have done something wrong.People who cannot handle the unexpected might consider not pursuing marriage. A relationship of love is a mutual exchange of persons. If you cannot handle who that person is, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is not the right person. It might actually be the best person for you to benefit your changing for the better. Love cannot be a one way street where one person dominates all aspects of life due to their immovability when it comes to how things must be. That is not love, nor is it a healthy relationship.Everything that happens can be a positive if we have the right attitude and disposition. Even things that are legitimate problems that need to be discussed and resolved can be positives because they fashion us into better people.As you date someone, you don’t want to set your sights on finding someone who makes your life easy. You want to find someone who makes it easy to get through the challenges, the struggles, the disappointments, the unexpected. I would argue that you are throwing caution to the wind if you marry someone you have never fought with, nor confirmed your own ability to successfully get past negative things caused by this person you supposedly love.Choosing wisely for marriage has much more to do with knowing that you are capable of handling change. Accept that life is full of the unexpected, and it is the call of true love to cope with these unexpected circumstances and disappointments. This is a major way we help the person we love feel relaxed and safe with us, and feel that freedom to be themselves.
A real person can truly love
May 18, 2011 / 00:00 am"Real isn't how you are made. It's a thing that happens to you. You become.""The Velveteen Rabbit" is a children's classic. In the story of the Velveteen Rabbit, the bunny desires to be "real" to the little boy. The bunny desires to be real because this means that he is truly loved and cherished.This story holds a powerful message for those who are seeking their future spouse. What does this mean, being a real person?To be a real, you have to know who you are. You need to be loved for who you are. Not the person that you have the potential to be, or for who someone else might prefer you to be, but for yourself. Most importantly, you need to love as the person you are.There is only one way to ensure that you are loved for yourself. You must know yourself. The best way to know yourself is to be confident and secure in the person that God created. God wants us to grow and be enhanced by the gifts He gives to us. He wants us to be confident and secure as the person we are. Too often we are ready to forfeit ourselves just to please another person. This is a betrayal to ourselves and to God. We cheapen the gift of our person by seeking human love at all expense.Only God can provide the perfect and unconditional love we need. We cannot expect that from another human being. So becoming somebody else that we think will make this other person love us is not only a tragedy, it is a lie. What happens when you cannot keep up this persona? The person you forfeited yourself for starts to see your true self, and then feels cheated. God willing, perhaps this person will love you as you really are. But that is too high of a risk. The odds are against you.So who is the real you? What makes you YOU? What are your likes and dislikes? What kind of person would enhance who you are? Finding out what is real makes you able to offer what is real and true about you. This is when we are most happy and free.Perhaps there are things about you that are not so Godly. Just because we say "this is who I am," doesn't mean it is how we should stay. The starting point to remedy this possibility is to put ourselves up against Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Ultimately, who we are is HIS! It is He Who ransomed us from sin by the giving of His Life. It is HE who bought us with His blood, and we are HIS slave. Slave, in the sense that we owe Him everything because He has given us everything. It is a life long debt to be paid.More than this, we are actually baptized into His life. We are configured to Him. We share the divine life through baptism, and we are His brother in every sense of the word.That is what is real about us. We are Christians. That is who we are, first and foremost. No one should have an identity crisis who claims to be a Christian. Who we are is Jesus Christ. What is unique about us as a person must coincide with the life of Christ we are called to lead. We have an obligation to become saints. We can't just say, "I've gotta be me." As Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen said, "We've gotta be HIS." Knowing ourself, in the Christian approach, means figuring out all the sinful tendencies and habits we have.The love we receive from Christ is a merciful love full of the power of His grace to free us from sin. Build your relationship with Christ. Seek your validation from Christ. Depending on other humans for our happiness is a painful experience, because no one is perfect. But the One who is perfect loves us in spite of our flaws, and desires to see us grow into the full person that He means us to be.This is the only way we can really be loved, and to love another in return. This approach helps us understand that the people we date are on this same road, and they are working on themselves. The call of Christ in dating and choosing a spouse is in the acceptance of the other's faults and seeing that the real person we love is a fallible, frail human being with the life of Christ working through Him."Does it hurt?" asks the Velveteen Rabbit about becoming real. The truthful answer in the story is "sometimes," but the answer in this life is: always. It does hurt to become real. It is difficult to stick by our convictions. It goes against our willful desires to make those necessary changes in our character, our behavior, and the way we present ourselves outwardly. It's hard to stay the most real you in the face of the temptations of the world. The hardest part of all is caring for someone who cannot love you for the person that you are. But to deny all the facets that make you yourself is to deny Christ. He made you, talents, imperfections, and all. He desires to see us grow, but He does not desire to see us deny all the good things about ourselves which make us unique.Being real doesn't happen to people "who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept." But once you are real it lasts "for always." It takes strength to become a true individual. It takes prayer, and perseverance. It takes seeking the truth with honesty and humbleness of heart. And like the Velveteen Rabbit, there are scars that are a result of the journey. The bunny is so loved by the boy that his fur wears off, he loses his shape, his whiskers were "loved off."The Lord loves us so much and desires our growth in such a way that sometimes our trials and tribulations are painful. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, we need to say yes to these trials and accept them. The difficult times that we face make us stronger, force us to grow, and encourage us to get closer to God. As our reward we are the most real versions of ourselves that we can be in this world, if we take these crosses and bear them with joy for the Lord's sake.In the story, the love that the little boy had for his bunny is so powerful that the rabbit is recreated into an actual real, living rabbit. This is the resurrection we are promised after this life. By trying to be our most authentic self now, we please God, and we can become a gift to others.
Dating with a double standard
May 11, 2011 / 00:00 amIn Psalm 81, God is anxious for us to allow Him to take care of us. If only we would keep faith and trust in Him! He reminds us of all He has done and what He is capable of. “Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” That is His promise to us.Sadly, we are inclined to give up too easily on God and trust in our own ability to control our situations. We lose sight of God and allow fear to cloud our reason.Many single Catholics struggle, almost daily, between knowing they should trust in God and leave the matter of their vocation to marriage in His capable hands, and despairing that it will never happen.If we’re being honest, we would admit that our faith and trust in God on this matter is primarily intellectual. Where our faith really lies is with our own ability to make things happen to affect our bottom line for a future marriage.The result is one failed relationship after another, and a good deal of interior hardship that weighs on our ability to maintain a perfect peace and joy.We fail in our relationships and we struggle with unrest and loneliness in between relationships because we do not have faith nor trust in God. He has left us to our own designs.Our own designs. What are they? They are the multiplicity of thoughts and actions that stem from our main design, following our own will. We are stubborn about our will. We like our will. We trust the plans we have in our will. We lack the humility to act appropriately in our lives in accordance with God’s will, which is the only way to effectively prepare for and live marital love.It is no easy thing to stare in the face of God’s will and say yes. Original sin has secured ferocious pride in each of us that always seeks to take control. Humility should prompt us to allow God to be in control. But we are two-faced, hypocritical, and living a double standard. We don’t realize it because we are stubbornly living it without appropriate reflection on what God would want. And let’s face it, we all think we are pretty good people and don’t think ourselves capable of living a double standard. But we must become anxious to cast off our own will and our desire to control things.Living this life for God in all things is the only way to be happy. Finding peace in our state is required. Being of service to God and our fellow man is required. Having genuine joy in all that happens is required.So what are these failures of trust in God, and the double standards that confirm we are attached to our own will rather than God’s will? Here are a few considerations: Praying for a good a Catholic spouse while you lack qualities that can attract such a person, and choosing not to work on yourself.Going through the motions of living the faith, but still living in ways that contradict those pious activities.Pursuing activities and work situations that are not conducive to meeting a quality person.Desiring a good Catholic man or woman who practices their faith and lives purity while you are living impurely yourself.Repeating the same mistakes in your dating experiences instead of learning from them.Being quick to blame and find faults in the people God brings into your life.Never asking Jesus to enlighten you about your faults. You should be begging him to change you into the person your future spouse would be attracted to.Seeing marriage as something to please yourself rather than a vocation of service to God through another person, and therefore making your search for a suitable partner one based on selfish ambitions such as excessively attractive outward looks and body shape and romanticism and pleasure of every kind, instead of focusing on good character, capability of fulfilling marriage requirements and husband and wife roles, and parenting qualities.Giving up on someone too readily because of the misunderstanding that love is not there if you get hurt or you don’t feel loved. Experiences challenge you to step up in maturity rather than over-react and get easily discouraged. Love is fashioned through the fire of suffering.God tells us that He is ready to handle everything and conquer all our enemies, if only we would trust in Him. Give everything to Him! Live for Him! Only then can you have the ability to love someone else.It is the ultimate double standard to say we love God and trust Him to take care of the things in our life, and to be stubborn about letting go. We need a single standard in our lives; one that relies on God for all things.It’s great that you want to be married. But should you be married? Can you get married? Will you ever get married? We play a role in finding our spouse, but God plays more of a role than we realize. In humility will we find ourselves closest to God and content about whatever happens in our life because it is His will.Abandon the double standards of your life, starting with false piety. Proceed toward a life of practicing daily abandonment to Divine Providence. True love has no double standard, and only one face; the face of Christ among us.Are you too stubborn about what you want in a spouse to take heed to what God wants you to look for in a spouse and how to go about it? Are you too stubborn to change your ways and work on your issues? Don’t let God leave you to your own designs. Trust Him. Let Him take total control. You will have perfect peace and happiness, and you will be a very attractive person to the opposite sex.With this kind of trustful surrender, whether marriage happens or not is inconsequential, for you are already in sync with God. But it takes humility. Pray for it daily, and pray that God never leave you to your own designs. Pray Psalm 81. God wants to take complete care of you. Only in great humility can you open wide your mouth so that God can fill it.
Not waiting around to be pursued
May 4, 2011 / 00:00 amDon’t you get tired of there being so many rules about dating? It can be exhausting thinking so much about something that should be natural and spontaneous.The fact is much of the process of dating is common sense. Unfortunately, people seem to have lost their common sense. What should come naturally has become a lot of work, full of second guessing and fears of failure.Take the concept of pursuing. All the self-help books say that the man is the pursuer. This, they say, is because men are the hunters and women nest. Men go out with their shotgun to procure dinner for the family. The woman takes the animal and prepares the meal.Much is made about men needing to be the ones to hunt for their woman if they want to be married. They have to show their natural leadership capability by going out and procuring a wife. A woman is the helpless damsel who must wait to be hunted. This kind of thing sounds good when you read it in a book. But it is quite a different story.Sit in on a table of male friends having a drink and talking about girls and you will hear tales of how they can’t figure women out. They don’t lack confidence, they are confused and considerate. These men are ready, willing, and able to go after a girl. They just are a) confused because the signals women give out are unclear, and b) considerate about not wanting to put a girl in an uncomfortable situation. Perhaps they are even a bit self-protective because they don’t want to get it wrong.Now sit in on a table of women chatting about boys and you will hear stories about how they do all kinds of things to get a boy’s attention. They share tactics on how to get a boy to like them. Women are active and determined when it comes to figuring out how to land men.Men very much need help from the women. They want to pursue but don’t want to initiate without having a chance. And they feel like they have a chance when the woman gives him some signal that he is wanted and welcome to approach.Women are not passively waiting for men to approach them. They are the pursuers. And they are a dedicated team. Have you noticed how women love to help their fellow women out? They don’t have any intention of waiting around to be pursued. They know that the matter of attracting the attention of a boy is in their very capable hands.It is an age-old reality that women are actually the pursuers. No, they don’t do all the pursuing, nor do the actual leading. But they are definitely the pursuers. And in fact, throughout every stage of a relationship and long into marriage, women lead the men because fundamentally, a man’s desire is to please the woman he loves. So women have the power to lead a man wherever she likes.Men need to build the confidence they already have. And they need to overcome the insecurities they are inclined to when it comes to approaching a woman. And, in fact, they often need help noticing a woman in the first place.Women have the natural ability to help men through all of these factors. Men need a little encouragement. Perhaps it is through eye contact with a second glance. Perhaps it is a smile that no man can mistake as invitation. I’m sure you are well acquainted with the endless subtle methods of getting a man’s attention. If you aren’t, you need to start asking some girlfriends you can trust to teach you respectable ways of doing this.These methods all fall under the category of what I call the “drop your hanky” approach. This comes from the days when a woman would literally drop her handkerchief at the foot of man she wanted the attention of. He would pick it up and hand it back to her. Their eyes would meet, smiles would be exchanged, and a brief conversation would take place. Had she not dropped her hanky, he would not have had a legitimate reason to approach her.Too many women today have taken an unnatural and frankly unlady-like approach to pursuing men they are interested in. They are also very careless and insensitive about sending out mixed signals to men, which has caused much of the confusion men deal with today.Online dating has become a primary way for men and women to meet. However, online dating has really thrown quite the monkey wrench in how women send out signals to men. You can’t bat your eyelashes to anyone in a search result.There are definitely some things a woman can do online without being forward. The first thing pertains to the woman making initial contact. This goes against the grain of many women because they feel they should be pursued by a man. So they wait to be contacted. This is a mistake, in my view. Men need help. They need a signal that it’s okay to approach. Write a very brief initial message that simply comments on something you liked on his profile. It will prompt him to review your profile, and if he likes what he sees, he will reply with further interest.The second thing pertains to receiving an initial contact from the man. He is feeling you out, no matter how awkward his message is. If you have the heart to give him a chance, reply in a way that shows invitation to pursue. Otherwise, just be direct and say “Thank you for writing, but I am not open to further communication. I wish you every blessing.”Other than these, there isn’t any way to send signals of interest unless the website offers you the ability to do so. At Ave Maria Singles we have a Drop Your Hanky feature. A woman can simply click this option and the man will receive a notice. It doesn’t get any more obvious. The ball is in his court.Pursuing a man is the most natural thing in the world for a woman. Women have thrown men into great confusion today because they have become open and careless with their expressions, to the point where a man cannot safely determine if the woman is simply being friendly or is signaling that she is interested.So ladies, be careful with your natural charms and your God-given abilities to pursue men. Understand what men need by way of signals from you and learn how to use them properly and effectively. Men need your help. They can’t read your mind. Don’t expect them to know you’re interested. Drop your hanky in whatever way that is. Then allow them to take over the pursuit, while you cleverly keep leading them, always making sure they know it is they who are doing the pursuing.
Meditation on the crucifix for single Catholics
Apr 27, 2011 / 00:00 amFor Catholics, the Crucifix is essential for living our daily lives. The Crucifix is the symbol of Christ’s ultimate act of love for us. The Crucifix depicts Jesus nailed to the cross and dying for our sins. We hang a crucifix on the walls of our homes and wear a crucifix on a chain around our necks so that we will be visibly reminded of Jesus’ love for us and our redemption.
What we learn while dating
Apr 20, 2011 / 00:00 amI don’t think anyone would disagree that dating is a learning process. Understanding the opposite sex is a challenge.
A lesson in love from mythology
Apr 8, 2011 / 00:00 amIt is a nightly ritual in my house that I read a story to my two youngest girls and then a story to my four boys. We all look forward to this very much. So between 7:00 to 8:00 pm, it’s story time. The girls love the fairy tales or things like the Beezus and Ramona series. The boys like the classic adventure and fantasy stories.
Time is not on my side
Mar 31, 2011 / 00:00 amLent is a period of time where reflection on our time on this earth should be pondered, and changes in our lives made based on this reflection.
The psychological in dating
Mar 23, 2011 / 00:00 amThe psychological make up of a person is critical to marriage, because it is critical to the individual person. In marriage we must make a free will decision to commit ourselves to one person.
Average is the new hot
Mar 16, 2011 / 00:00 am“Hot” seems to have become the most common adjective men and women use to describe the visual pleasure factor of each other.I find the term “hot” to be degrading and inappropriate. Even more disturbing than the word itself is the tone and look of people as they say the word. If not lustful in motive, definitely leaning toward it. What else could it be but a form of lust to use this term? The term has to do with describing the body of a person and how much it pleases you to look at it. That’s pretty much in the “lust” department. It’s certainly not in the “love” department.In fact, the dictionary would agree with me about the modern definition of hot: Slang. a. sexually aroused; lustful. b. sexy; attractive.I say let’s stop doing this. It’s very unbecoming, if not degrading. And especially for Christians, more is expected of us. Did you not think I was talking about Christians as well? Unfortunately, I am. It is amazing to me the amount of professed Catholics who use this term quite freely and comfortably. It goes to show just how easy it is to be lured into the trends of secular society.But we should be leaders and examples. There is nothing “Catholic” about describing a woman or a man as “hot.” What’s more, this kind of talk contributes to idealization and objectification. You condition yourself to want the ideal looking body that will be the object of your pleasure.Now counter this approach with a desire to get to know the unique person of an individual who maybe has a great smile, a nice laugh, a pretty or cute face, enjoyable to be around, and is very healthy looking in body. The person has a deep love of the faith as you do, is very interesting and easy to talk to, and an overall delightful person.However, this person is not what you could call “hot.” Why? Because “hot” has only to do with the body and the looks. This person described above is average looking.Average. The use of this term to describe the looks of a person has, unfortunately, a negative connotation. But it should not. Most people in the world are average looking. Did you know that? Most people are not “hot.” That’s why there is so much excitement for the “hot” people. They are “hot” because they have above-average looks as defined by society and as we have been conditioned to think by the media through films, television, magazines, advertising, etc.So we look for the “hot” among us. And to what end? Is this really the main criteria for love? For what will make a person a good mother/father or spouse; in finding a suitable partner for marriage? Is this what we are looking for? A photograph? An image? A dream?In the meantime, the average looking among us who are the bulk of the opportunities for love and marriage are scrutinized, second-guessed, even passed over. They are nice, and they are great people, but they do not satisfy.And there is the lie. That a hotter looking person will satisfy, rather than “settling” for an attractive person. Perhaps if your goal is sexual pleasure, then a “hot” person is the home run. That’s another deception, because at the heart of wanting a “hot” person is the pleasure of the sense of sight. Non-”hot” people are just as capable of satisfying sexually as anyone else.Pleasure of the eyes has been made the highest priority. And this is excused as being “chemistry,” as if visual pleasure is the submit of attraction.Does this mean “average” means unattractive? Not at all, as I have already pointed out. Average means that they are pretty or handsome, and typically their looks vary in all kinds of unique and interesting ways. They are not the cookie-cutter looks that make for the society-defined “hot” looking woman or man.Have you noticed how many average looking guys want “hot” girls? The average girls (again, these are girls who are pretty, attractive women who are NOT magazine images) are frustrated because no matter how beautiful they are, they cannot control that they are not “hot.” Thus, they are not the ideal, nor can they satisfy as the object of visual pleasure.This, of course, is absolutely ridiculous. Men and women who live in this world of searching for the “hot” among us have to snap out of it and get out of the fog. You are missing the whole point of love and marriage. Average is good, not bad. Average is normal, every day life.Average is what is around you. And average is beautiful, enjoyable, satisfying, and fulfilling. People of good character, strong faith, great sense of humor and pleasing demeanor are all around you and make for the stuff of true love and marriage. Someone who will be a close friend, a good companion, and who loves you and is easy to love makes for what is real and lasting when it comes to chemistry and attraction.So I say that average is the new hot! Keep reminding yourself of this. Average is the new hot. Pursue the person. Seek first the person you connect with, and allow all else to fall into place. Looks don’t last. But the love of the person does.If you find a person that has all the important qualities AND ends up being above average looking as well, then that’s just icing on the cake. But please, never refer to them as “hot.” It’s degrading. Show more respect. Be classy. Just tell her she is beautiful, ravishing, gorgeous, lovely, and many other adjectives of respect and admiration.“Hot” implies you want that body. Is that really who you are? We should never desire the pleasure of a body without full inclusion of the person.
Dating a dualistic person
Mar 9, 2011 / 00:00 amThe Gospel reading for this past Sunday shows Jesus driving home the objective fact that only those who do the Father’s will are going to make it to heaven. Our Lord must have encountered a great deal of excuse makers who though they were assured of getting into heaven.
When you can't forget the past
Feb 23, 2011 / 00:00 amRecently, I wrote that a key thing to working through being hurt is to forgive and forget. This is how God deals with our offenses against Him, therefore we are required to do the same. I assumed this was common knowledge. But I was wrong! There was no problem with the forgive part, but the forget part seemed to cause quite a stir. I have to admit that this idea of forgiving and forgetting could be confusing. Perhaps I should have touched on the concept of resentment, because that seems to be the problem with understanding the concept of forgetting. When we harbor resentment, it causes harm to ourselves, it does nothing positive or productive, and it keeps us from healing and moving forward. “But how can I forget what was done to me?” That is what we ask when we are badly hurt. It’s a fair question. But have we ever considered what might be motivating this question? Is it because we want to prevent what hurt us from happening again? Is it because we believe it should not have happened to us? Do we get mad at God because of how unfair it seems? Or is it because we have a “need” to remember it? All of these motives seem reasonable. But realistically, the pursuit of any one of them is likely to end in disappointment. Wanting to find out the cause and prevent future happenings sounds good and is a noble goal. But doesn’t it eat away at us as we try to answer the question “Why did you do it?” And why questions are very difficult to get answered in a way that brings peace. Many times the answer is “I don’t know,” and that can make it worse. Believing it should not have happened in the first place is a fruitless exercise. First, no one can promise they will never hurt you. Secondly, am I entitled to never be hurt? Is there something so special about me that I get to be excluded from Jesus’ promise of the cross and that those who follow Him would have to go through what He went through? Or is it that we should be entitled to choose our own cross, of which we would definitely exclude being hurt by someone we love as an option? It’s the last motive that gives me the most reason to pause; namely the “need” to remember the hurt. This is a reality about human beings that we all have to be careful about. Sadly, some people feel better remembering the hurtful things done to them. There is a kind of comfort in revisiting those feelings and recalling the events. What a prison we build for ourselves when we harbor resentment. It's like listening to the same song over and over, letting yourself feel the pain each time. And who wins in that scenario? The person who has offended you has likely already forgotten it or does not even realize they did anything “wrong,” either because it was unintentional or because they are chronically abusive. There you are, in a torture chamber, holding someone else responsible for the misery you choose to continue dwelling in. You are the one building your own prison when you keep a hurtful event on a continual loop in your mind. If there is abuse in the relationship (physical, verbal, psychological), then this is a different story. Abusive relationships are in a class by themselves. Abused people need to be handled with care and more information. Though still called to forgive and forget, they must first tend to their personal safety and sanity. But being abused does not give license to behave however you like. If you continue to dwell on the horrible things that happened to you, then you are just as broken as you were when you hadn't the spirit to defend yourself. Putting abused persons aside, I want to stick with the typical person who is a sinner, who can have normal, healthy relationships, though they have fallen human nature capable of hurting other people. Being hurt in a relationship is part of our journey and helps us become the saints we are called to be. Because of this fact, we need to expect to be hurt. Christ’s call to forgive “seventy times seven” implies we will be hurt a great deal throughout life. His commandment to “love one another as I have loved you” is the explicit call to live love even when it hurts the most. Jesus’ love for us is not just a forgiving of our sins, but also forgetting them. We must pause to ask ourselves, “Do I truly know how to forgive as Jesus forgives?” Take the Gospel scene of Peter, whom Jesus loved (with as real of an affection as any of us have for any person), betraying Jesus in his darkest hour (Peter abandons Him and denies knowing Him three times). Look at how Jesus handles Peter after the Resurrection. Jesus does not make Peter recount what he did, but instead receives him with welcome and draws out Peter’s love with a call to prove his love in service. Jesus forgets about what Peter did and moves forward in the assumption of Peter’s core love for Him, not Peter’s human weakness capable of betraying him. Peter, in turn, never forgets what he did to the Lord, and strives all his life to make up for it. This is the power of forgiving and forgetting. So what does it mean to forget? It does not mean forgetting how it felt to experience an unjust action. It means the ability to face that memory prevent it from having power to influence us in a negative way, whether it be thought, action, or feeling. It is an act of the will, and it does not require the absence of negative memory. How is it possible to make such an act of the will when the memory of feeling that pain still exists? It’s called the grace of God. God can heal us in very impressive ways if we will let Him. His grace can help anyone rise above what is humanly “normal.” Therefore if we pray enough, and seek God with great humility, and we act on this desire for God via the sacraments Jesus provided for us in the Catholic Church (particularly Confession and the Holy Eucharist), there is nothing we cannot rise above and or be totally renewed from. The point is forgiving and forgetting are both supernatural actions, meaning only God can forgive in such a way. We need to develop a deep relationship with Jesus Christ. This is the way we forgive. Grace does not remove the memory of the injustices of our life. It does something even better. It sanctifies these events, giving us a peace to understand, and a new pair of eyes to see the deeper purpose. Grace overcomes resentment and empowers us to control the memory of feelings. This is the way we forget. Forgetting what someone did to you does not mean giving someone permission to keep hurting you in the same way. Letting go of the resentment and anger requires detachment from your belief that you are entitled to protection from pain. Controlling the power that feelings of the past have over you and living the grace of God, Who is love itself, is how you forget. Go to Jesus Christ in the Blessed Sacrament for that grace and ability to control the feelings and memories.
Are we too sensitive to find love?
Feb 16, 2011 / 00:00 amPart of the frustrations of dating include the hurts one inevitably experiences. Both men and women get their fair share, and the hurts must be lived with and overcome.I don’t think it is good to be too quick to dismiss the pain someone experiences. Their hurt is real and should be given its due time. It is a disservice to people to say anything that might make them feel foolish for feeling hurt. For the moment, we must be empathetic.The concern is when these hurts are permitted to go into a deeper place, crippling the person emotionally and psychologically. This happens when the hurt is allowed to fester. We believe that we should not have been hurt, and that to be hurt is such a grave injustice that it warrants an interior rebellion.This happens because we are over-sensitive. Easily disturbed. Easily taking this personally. To be too sensitive is to take ourselves too seriously. We believe we have some kind of right to never have an injustice done to us.This kind of attitude tells God that we believe He should not allow anything bad to happen to us. And this is not a Christian position to take. In fact, it is the opposite. To be a Christian is to suffer injustices, persecutions, and pain of all kinds. Jesus told us that if we are to be His disciple, we are to follow Him. That path we follow is right to Calvary. He also told us that no servant is greater than his master, and that if they would persecute Him, we could expect the same.Therefore, being hurt is a part of life, and accepting that is a healthy reality to living the Christian life. So we must expect that people will hurt us. We must not allow these hurts to affect us so deeply that it alters who we are and who we are meant to become, namely saints. Patient acceptance of suffering refines us into this saintly call.Suffering is a gift from God and an invitation to draw closer to the crucified Lord and His mission to save the world. There are souls to be saved, and suffering offered for souls helps people who are still alive come to Christ, as well as helping those in Purgatory. We have all heard it said that we should “offer it up.” Well, this is precisely what that means.It is not an easy thing to do in the moment, but we all must learn to practice recognizing hurtful things done to us as gifts from God. I’m not saying that we should not feel the injustice of what has happened and do something about it if it is possible and makes sense for bettering the situation. But we must be careful about how these hurts affect us.The answer to making sure we are not too affected by hurts is forgiveness. This is actually the main purpose of the Lord’s mandate to forgive. Forgiving ensures three critical things: 1) that the other person knows that you do not hold what they did against them, or if this person is not asking forgiveness or maybe has no clue they did anything wrong, you still have released them; 2) that YOU have have relieved yourself from the bondage of any negative affects that result from what was done to you by honestly and sincerely forgiving and forgetting; and 3) that no person has any power over you to affect you in such a way that it can alter your peace and holiness.It’s very key that forgiving is accompanied by forgetting. This is how God treats our sins, so we are required to treat others the same way. We have to forget about it, especially not to relive something done to us in the past.It is also key that we realize that whenever we notice how easily we are hurt and take something so personally that it affects our peace, this is a sign that we are not as close to God as we should be. This is a daily test of all of us. And the more we love and trust someone, the easier it is for us to be hurt. I know for myself, it is no easy task to maintain the peace of Christ whenever I am experiencing an uncomfortable or hurtful comment from someone.Peace is too precious of a gift to allow it to be squandered and lost so readily at the hands of another person. Lose your peace and you are opening the door to so many unthinkable things that will damage you, perhaps permanently.The peace of Christ is a tremendous help towards finding love and getting married. Learning from the hurts that come via the dating process is much better than being damaged by the hurts. The more peace you maintain, the more personal happiness you have. A happy, content person is so attractive! Even more important, you will get much closer to God. Closeness to God can only work positively toward your bottom line. And in turn, others will enjoy being around you.On the contrary, a hurt person who has allowed hurt after hurt to pile up, and resentment to set it, is an unattractive person. Sadly, most people who suffer from this state of being don’t realize just how unattractive they are, and (God forbid it) how potentially abusive they are.Go to the Lord in the Blessed Sacrament and pray to Him to be converted from any tendency to be over-sensitive, and to teach you how to forgive and forget. Ask Him to restore His peace in you and for the strength and courage to never allow any human being to have the power to take away your peace.