Articles by Anthony Buono
Anxiety about being single
Feb 1, 2012 / 00:00 amAnyone who is not yet married gave a little cringe when hearing the words of St. Paul in the second reading of the Mass this past Sunday, taken from 1 Corinthians, Chapter 7:32-35. Basically, the advice of St. Paul is to remain unmarried because to marry is a distraction to focusing on the things of the Lord. He is quick to say that this is just his opinion and said not to put restraint on you, but rather it’s for your own benefit.
Love is not enough: Charity matters
Jan 25, 2012 / 00:00 amSo just how selfish of a person are you? Answer: Very. Don’t worry, it’s not just you. We all are. Without a realization and admission of selfishness in your life, you lack the true charity required to successfully live out marital love. Therefore, your dating efforts are extremely risky.
True modesty
Jan 18, 2012 / 00:00 amDear Anthony, I am dating a woman I met on Ave Maria Singles that I am very attracted to. The problem is, I think I am lusting after her. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. She dresses in a way that I should probably have a problem with. I like it and hate it at the same time. Why is that? And what should I do about it? I am worried that I might not find her as attractive if she dressed differently.
New Year's resolutions for singles
Jan 11, 2012 / 00:00 amAnother year, another long list of New Year’s resolutions waiting to be broken or fizzle out. I am not much of a New Year’s resolution person, but many are. God bless them! The spirit of wanting to make a change for the better is alive and well, especially in January. Most people fail at keeping their New Year’s resolution. Perhaps it’s because they pledge the improbable (like never eating another cookie) or they aim too, high too fast and then get discouraged (like quitting smoking cold turkey). Perhaps it is because, like typically done at Lent, they only focus on giving up something negative instead of doing something positive (like being nicer to someone). The most amusing thing to me is that it is the same old raggedy resolutions every year (like taking off those added pounds from Christmas festivities).
Imitation of the Holy Family
Jan 4, 2012 / 00:00 amThis is the time of year when Christians are most focused on the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Reflection on the Holy Family is more than just the Nativity scene. Naturally, Christmas focuses on the birth of the Savior, and Mary and Joseph play key roles in this most important event. The Child born in Bethlehem in a stable is, no doubt, what Christmas is all about.
Are you dating a Pharisee?
Dec 7, 2011 / 00:00 amDo you feel that you are dating someone who strikes you as having an overly high moral, education or even cultural standard? Do you feel like your every action is being observed? Is the person overly critical of you? Are they quick to find fault in you but not in themselves? Do they make you feel like your level of religious practice or approach to life is not on par with theirs? Do you get the impression your past sins are interpreted as who you really are now?
When siblings disagree with your choice of a spouse
Nov 16, 2011 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,I just got engaged to a great guy. I love him a lot, but my sisters both think I am making a mistake. It bothers me a lot that they don’t approve of him and I am afraid this is going to cause problems both now as well as after we are married. Do you have any advice about this?Getting married is a very personal thing. It is something you both decide on for yourself no matter what anyone thinks. However, it is also very public thing. No marriage is a private matter because it happens within the context of community and society, and there are obligations each marriage has to the society, especially the society of family that is formed when children come along.It is important that every couple think about how their relationship will affect others, especially future children. This is not something that tends to happen when a couple is dating. They naturally get caught up in themselves and what they mean to each other. I don’t want to take away from this aspect of courtship because it is very much about the two persons that make up the couple, and others should not be allowed to have decision making power about their relationship.I have had many people contact me regarding the involvement of their parents when it has come to whom they are dating, and how the parents concern affects how they think about the relationship with the person they are dating, not to mention the relationship with the parents. Parents have a wisdom that can really be an asset to helping make a wise choice in marriage. When someone has parents they respect and admire and trust, it is best to consider their opinion heavily.However, parents should never make their child feel bad about whom they are dating or a decision about marriage to someone they are dating. It is not the job of a parent to decide for their child, but rather to share their thoughts and/or be there for their child when they ask them for their opinion. If done gently and kindly, and with a sense of respect for the child’s right to make their own decision, they can have a real influence for the good on that child. If they know their child will do whatever they say, they also have the power to manipulate the situation, which would be wrong. And of course, if they are angry and harsh about whom the child is dating, they can push that child into the arms of the very person they believe is no good for them.This also applies to siblings. But siblings are a little bit different. They are more like your closest friends rather than authority figures and protectors like the parents. I believe this is why it hurts even more when a sibling does not approve of your choice rather than a parent not approving. Unless you are not close to your siblings, but I am assuming here we are talking about two sisters whom you are very close to. The bond you have with your sisters makes it very important to you that they accept your choice of a spouse. So it is completely understandable that you are bothered that they don’t approve of this man that you have agreed to marry. I’m sure it makes you question if you have made the right decision or not. In fact, you are probably already considering breaking off the engagement because both sisters whom you are so close with do not approve of him.If you are considering this at any level, I would encourage you not to act on that. You need some time to figure out what you are going through. On one hand, you love this man that you clearly find to be a good man and the one you desire to spend the rest of your life with. He seems to be everything you have ever wanted and cannot see living your life without him. On the other hand, your sisters do not think he is the man for you. Perhaps they see things in him that they feel are not good enough for their sister whom they love so much and want to protect. They might fear this man will hurt you or fall short of your expectations.Both of these considerations have pluses and minuses. But in order to extract from both hands what is truth and good, you have to get past the emotional investment you have in your fiancé and your two sisters. Staying at the emotional level will only cause you harm and might lead you to make a decision you will regret. You love your fiancé and you love your sisters. They all mean the world to you right now, so you are emotionally too close.This is where you have to take a prudent and intellectual approach to the matter. You have to take a step back from you affection for your sisters and take a pragmatic step forward. You need to explore this with them, but the trick is not to allow anything you talk about to get to you. Your sisters love you; they are not your enemy. It is not your two sisters vs. your finance. Remember that your sisters have your best interests at heart.Having said that, you need to find out not only what they have a problem with, but what is behind what they have a problem with. From my experience, too often a loved one (whether a sister, a parent, or even just a close friend) is jealous of the relationship itself. They see that they are losing their close friend to this stranger who is perceived as an enemy. They likely do not think this consciously. But subconsciously, they might have ulterior motives for the things they say or the way they say them.This is also very natural. No one wants to lose someone they love. Your sisters might feel this man is going to change your relationship with them. And they are right! He will. But that is no reason for them to attempt to sabotage your relationship or make you feel bad.So you need to have a serious talk with your sisters. Ask them to share with you everything about your fiancé that they object to, and to explain why. As they share this information with you, try and have some side comments to feel out what their motives are. You might get to a point where you say “You know I love you both, right? And that my getting married will never change the fact that we are sisters and the best of friends, right?” Saying this could just reassure them and spark a peace in them that could change the way they think about him. If they do start to come around, it should be primarily because they see how happy you are and how much you love him. They need to realize that this is your choice, not theirs, and that it is you who are attracted to him, not them.But you should also pay close attention to anything they observe about the two of you together that they feel is not right. It does happen quite often that in our love for someone we are blind to things that could be considered red flags about the way you are being treated or that is unhealthy about you both as a couple.To know about red flags, there is no one better than someone who knows you so well and loves you very much to point this out. Your sisters might very well have some important observations that you need to know about and consider specifically because as your close friends, your sisters know things about you that are negative as well as positive, and they know you might be willing to ignore certain red flags because they know how you are.There is a lot to consider. I have given you just some food for thought. Sit down with your sisters and have a heart to heart. And just be open without being too sensitive. They only want to help because they love you so much. But in the end, this is your choice and everyone has to accept that. And they will.
Your relationship deserves a good home (Part II)
Oct 26, 2011 / 00:00 amHome is the place where we feel safe, where we can shut out the world, enjoy the people we love and who love us, be accepted for who we are, and always go if something is wrong.Home is the place where we grow into the person we are called to be. Those whose home do not offer them these things will have all kinds of personal problems that disrupt their ability to develop.Because it is a fundamental reality in every person to desire God, Who created us for Himself, and to be with Him, all pursuits of a home in this life are connected to the natural desire to seek God and can never be completely satisfied until we are in our eternal home in heaven with God.We all want to be loved, which is to meet God in others. To be loved is to experience the Heart of Christ. All people deserve that home, that Heart, no matter what they have done.The first call of the Christian is to love, to live that Heart of Christ, to be merciful. “What would Jesus do?” is sadly not a question we Christians are too anxious to seriously ask.When it comes to dating and marital love, this is even more of a concern.When you are falling in love, you are developing a dependency on the other for your happiness. It’s natural. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when they fail you. The law of love demands there be forgiveness if there is a sincere desire to be forgiven and of never doing something like that again.If Jesus were sitting next to you, you would have no trouble disclosing every detail about what you did, and your regrets. Jesus, in all His mercy, would say something like, "It’s not beyond any human being to do such things" with the kindest voice, and in such a welcoming way. You would share what you did and ask forgiveness solely because you feel completely safe with him. The environment that Jesus provides is a safe, homey one. There is nothing that can happen that is unforgivable. His mercy endures forever.We are also to provide such Jesus environments for others. Most especially it must be there for those we love. As you develop a relationship, and love grows strong and marriage becomes desired, that safe and homey environment should be present, cultivated, and well established. The more it is established, the safer the other feels about being themselves, sharing themselves, and even sharing their faults, weaknesses and sins. As they fall, they recover quickly because the mercy of the other is always there.Now some cynical people might say this is a recipe for disaster because the other person will take advantage, knowing that mercy is waiting for them no matter what. This discounts the notion that justice for actions that must be tended to within any relationship, not to mention the emotional pain that needs healing. Though one might be merciful, they also can be hurt and must heal.Starting with mercy is best because it says that no matter what has happened, we love each other and we are safe. We can get through anything. If the one who hurts you does not have a sense of that Jesus environment of mercy, they will have fear about what has happened. This fear can keep the person from doing what is necessary to remedy the problem, which can hurt the relationship.How many of us have been in relationships where we felt we could not confess something we did, or fear disclosing parts or all of what happened? This is not normal in a healthy relationship. The Jesus environment is one of true friendship. True friends love each other regardless of what they do. When a true friend is wronged by us, their mercy is waiting. It might take time to re-establish the level of friendship and trust again, but they do not abandon you, physically or emotionally.Being merciful is also incredibly attractive. It’s very hard to find people who will see you as Jesus sees you. People tend to first react with anger or some other negative reaction, instead of with mercy. This is very unattractive. When we do something wrong and that we regret, it is hard enough to face that within ourselves. When we have to face the one we love whom we have hurt, it is that much more terrifying. How incredible it is to have the first hurtful experience with the one you love be a merciful experience. They don't react negatively. They don't scream or cry or throw a fit. They don't storm out.Instead, they calmly look upon you as you share what you have done. Perhaps they first take your hand, or hug you, or softly speak. They first remind you that you are safe and home. They help you realize that nothing you have done is something they couldn’t have done as well, that you are not unforgivable, irredeemable, or unloved.People do a lot of stupid things on dates. Most of it is out of bad habits they have developed. All of it is out of weak human nature. It's way too easy to pass judgment on others as you are dating, and way too convenient to say that this is not "the one." And for many, it is entirely too difficult to trust those they date enough to cut them slack, give them a pass, be merciful. The risk of them taking advantage of you is too great.Merciful we must be. We must cut them slack. We must give them a pass. We must make them feel safe and home so they can be themselves. We must work at friendship; true friendship. Love is kind and merciful. If you want love in your life, it must start with you.When a person hurts you, consider what Jesus would do. And consider first that the only way for there to be real progress with the problem is if the person first feels safe enough with you to fail.I can't stress this enough. There are so many relationships where one or both live in fear of how the other will react if they screw up. What this means is there are way too many people seeking love who are not encountering the mercy of Jesus Christ in the person they are trying to get to know and grow in love with. Instead, their relationship is tainted by fears of what the other might do or say because of their shortcoming. What kind of relationship is that? Is that the kind of relationship we have with Jesus?Our Lord told us that love casts out all fears. We are never afraid with Jesus because he is home; we feel safe with Him; we can tell Him anything and know that He will forgive us and share with us grace that helps us be better.You most certainly are forgivable and redeemable. You are NOT your wrong doing and sins. You are a person. You have a right to feel safe enough to hurt the one you love, trusting in their mercy first, and prepared to fulfill justice in the situation second. You aren’t a terrible person because you feel too afraid to talk to the person you are in love with. A true friendship will naturally drawn out the desire to share everything as you feel safe and comfortable in that person's love.This is the essence of marital love. All single people need to practice providing the Jesus environment of mercy for those they date. It is the first priority for both of you, since married life is primarily about hurting each other and needing a safe, homey environment where forgiveness can be asked for and applied. If you fear talking to the person you are dating, or have experienced negative reactions as a result of trying to talk to them, and you don't feel comfortable sharing your faults or wrong doings with that person, then there is a serious problem that must be remedied.There are always going to be problems. Loved ones are going to fail you. Your first call in all situations is to be merciful, and to maintain a strong sense of the reality that only God can never let us down. In fact, expect failure in others and you will live more peacefully.
Your relationship deserves a good home.
Oct 19, 2011 / 00:00 am“With the Lord, there is mercy and fullness of redemption.” This responsorial psalm is derived from Psalm 130, which has the trembling words “If Thou, O Lord, should mark iniquities, who could stand?” In other words, if You keep a record of sins, who could ever make it to heaven?How true. We are committed to not sinning, yet we sin. God is first merciful because we all sin, despite our desire and efforts not to. We don’t deserve His mercy, but He grants it freely and always. We don’t deserve redemption, but God desires us to be redeemed.God’s foremost posture with us is mercy.As a Christian, I am mandated to be the same. I must insert myself in these words of the Psalm, so that it can be said by anyone about me: “With Anthony, there is mercy and fullness of redemption.” And so must all of you. Can you honestly say “everyone finds mercy with me?”What is true love or deep friendship between two people if there is not foremost a posture of mercy between them? It is a house of straw. When the Big Bad Wolf comes along, he need only blow it down to get to the three little pigs. So it is with couples or friends who have problems and allow the strong winds that shake their relationship to tear down the home they have built.In my view, the idea of being home is the essence of what love is. This is why you feel you are home as long as you are with the person you love, no matter where you both are. Or why you long to get back to that person when you are apart from them. That is home.This sense of home is one of profound safety, warmth, comfort, and peace. It is a firm knowledge that no effort of the Big Bad Wolf can blow down your house. Your whole being rests because no matter what happens, the foundation of the home is mercy and forgiveness. Your human condition to fail is accepted and welcome.Isn’t this ultimately what heaven is to be? Heaven is our only true and lasting home. Our time on this earth is a brief one, but it requires us having opportunity to experience this eternal home while in this world in order to help us be fashioned into the saints we are to become.Our entire life on earth is as a sinner trying to become a saint. But too many people want us to be saints at all times without much (if any) room for failure. For many who are dating and seeking the right person, they seem to always come up short because ultimately, they discover that the people they date are flawed or have too much potential to hurt them.God, of course, is the only one who can fulfill this high expectation. God is pure love and incapable of anything that is not good for us. Yet, we still foolishly pursue finding in another person what only God can give. God is home. With Him you find complete safety, security, warmth, welcome, comfort and peace. With human beings, not so much.However, we are called to be like God, and we are provided the grace to do so. Unfortunately, I think too many take this call to mean that we must never sin. It’s clear that God is realistic about us and knows we will and do sin, or else Jesus would never have bothered instituting the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation. When we go to Confession, our sins are obliterated and we are given a clean slate.How many of us can say we do that for those who hurt us? That we are so like God that we provide mercy to all who wrong us? This is the aspect of being like God that is much more attainable to us than the living without sin. Being merciful to others.Jesus taught us to ask God to forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. In other words, don’t bother forgiving me, Lord, until I first forgive others. He also taught us in the Beatitudes that “blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.”It is mercy that is the heart of the law of love, because it is the heart of God’s essence. Essentially, God loves us so much that He welcomes us home, just as Jesus taught with the Prodigal Son.Home is where the heart is. That saying is correct. I would specify that it is where the Heart of Christ is. As we fuse our heart to the Heart of Christ, we live a love that makes us attractive, welcoming, home.The misunderstanding about modern dating and those who seek to find love is that people want to find someone who makes them feel good and never hurts them. The truth is they are seeking to find home; a place where they can be who they are and not have to worry about their inevitable moments of failure and sin. They want to find that love of God in the person they desire to give themselves to.Sadly, because they cannot find someone who is first merciful, they cannot find home, and they settle for what they can get in all manner of distorted views of love. Thus, we have a disaster of bad relationships, bad marriages, bad friendships.Every person deserves a good home. When they fall or sin or hurt someone, they need mercy though they may not deserve it. In the second part of this reflection on what it means to be merciful in relationships, I will address the problem of being too hurt to be merciful and be that home, the harm that comes from rejecting the call to mercy, and how this ultimately applies to finding and living true love.In the meantime, meditate on the words of the Psalm, “With the Lord, there is mercy and fullness of redemption” and where it says “the Lord” insert your own name, and consider with Jesus how true this is when it comes to your dealings with others.
Are you dating prayerfully?
Oct 12, 2011 / 00:00 amMany unmarried persons are seriously interested in finding love and getting married, and are serious about their religious beliefs and sharing that faith with someone in marriage.However, many of these persons are without the close friendship of God to accompany that which they profess to take seriously.What do I mean? Isn't a person serious about their faith close to God? Well, yes and no. Those of us who love God know very well that we don't love Him as much as we should, nor do we include Him in our everyday life as we should. We are all sinners precisely because of this fact.Jesus told us to pray without ceasing for an important reason. It seems unfathomable, and probably crazy, to most people to pray constantly, and impossible to do.But this is truly and literally how we need to approach our lives. Not just seriously, but prayerfully.How often have you witnessed in dating others (or within yourself) inconsistency with what is professed as belief and the words and behavior?Christians who are dating each other are confused and get damaged or discouraged because the expectation of taking Christian life seriously is tainted by experiencing rudeness, lack of charity, insensitivity, and all manner of things contrary to love as Jesus taught it.The seriousness about dating in order to find a marriage partner is unproductive and unsuccessful because the individuals involved are not serious about being Jesus to each other.Being like Jesus and bringing Him to others is serious business. And it must be taken "prayerfully." Not just seriously, but prayerfully. Jesus wanted us to know that if we are going to be like Him and maintain sharing His very life, we must pray without ceasing.The more prayer is involved in our life, the more Christ-like we are. If we are not prayerful, we are left to ourselves, which means sin is not far behind.Dating is frustrating for many because it does not seem to be much of a Christian experience. You have individuals who ARE Christian just kind of putting that aside while they take care of more "important" things like their selfish desires and personal pleasures. After all, God wants us to be happy, right? So we should date with a mindset to find someone who makes us happy, right?Well, perhaps. But not at the expense of the purpose of dating, which is getting into the vocation of marriage, nor the dignity of the person, which is the treatment of Christian love that every person we date deserves.We should be praying at every step along the dating path, including each date and inbetween dates. Asking the Lord, the Holy Spirit, Our Lady, our Guardian Angel, or anyone in heaven or purgatory, for help as to what say next or what would be the proper thing to do, or to protect you from a temptation, or to smile when you might be inclined to say something rude, etc.How many people do this kind of praying while on their dates? My guess is not many do. They just wing it on their own and hope for the best as they interact with the other person.This is high risk, primarily because we are prone to sin and messing things up, but also because this kind of approach can disconnect us too much from the heart of our moral compass. I’m sure many people feel that they are a good Catholic and pray for God’s assistance and all that, and that means they have enough in place to be okay on their own as they interact with others.Of course, some are able to do this better than others because they have developed personal human virtue enough that they have good social habits. But even those persons need to keep attentive to what they say and do, and should remain connected to the divine as they interact with people.For most of us, there are too many bad habits in the way we speak and act that require us to be careful and to invoke divine assistance in the moments, not just at the beginning or end of the day. For those who are dating, this is imperative. Our selfishness is always at work to dominate our interpersonal relationships, so the connection to God and His angels and saints will go a long way in navigating us appropriately through these relationships, especially the beginning stages when first impressions are so important.Here are some examples of what might be petitioned in the moment on a date:“Help me stop focusing on the physical, and pay attention to the whole person”“Help me to overcome my initial feeling to pull back, and give this fellow Christian my best and my full attention”“Help me to recover from not liking what they said and restore your peace in me” “ "Help me to refrain from staring lustfully at this woman, or looking at other women while with this one” “Help me to resist correcting what he said or from dominating the conversation” “Help me to stop talking about myself and show more interest in him or her” “Help me not take the way they speak or eat or certain mannerisms too decisively”Thinking before we speak is a form of prayer. But actually including a heavenly person is better. We cannot have the habit of being thoughtful until we have the habit of considering in thought before we speak or do. And thinking before we act is critical.Praying in the moment does wonders for keeping us on the right path. None of us are beyond doing stupid things, or going as far as to ruin perfectly good opportunities in our dating experiences even though we are generally good people. If we don’t realize that there are things about us that might very well be unique, but not necessarily good or Godly things, and that these things need to be controlled through key virtues such as prudence, temperance, modesty, self-discipline, and moderation, we risk letting these less desirable things about ourselves be unruly, and thus more destructive than they need to be.Praying at all times is how to keep yourself on the straight and narrow. You can still be yourself, but praying through your day can enhance your better self, and tame your lesser self. Don’t consider this impossible or too hard. The grace is there. It can be done. It takes practice. Keep it short and simple. Just ask for the help as you recognize you need it. And help will come. It’s a worthwhile habit to develop and will make all the difference in having success in your dating life.If you have a problem with taking life prayerfully, take it up with Jesus. It was His idea, and command.
Dating someone unfit for marriage
Oct 5, 2011 / 00:00 amMarriage is a practical sacrament and institution. It requires two people who not only “want” to be married, but are capable of living out marriage. Too often, people go into marriage full of love and good intention, but no personal skills to fulfill their role.I continue to observe more and more how the capability aspect of getting married is not typically considered and is disconnected from the aspect of desire for marriage by two people. This disconnection explains why so many people, particularly Catholics, over-generalize and over-simply divorce as being evil and wrong, and believe everyone who takes marriage vows must never end that marriage.The capacity for marriage must be taken into account, however, when it comes to any marriage. It is a fact that there are people who desire marriage that just should not get married, whether for temporary or permanent reasons of incapability.The reality is marriages are ending in divorce in great numbers often because the persons who entered into them should not have ventured into marriage to begin with. And often times, one or both were actually unfit for marriage, thus incapable of living out that which they vowed.We must never use this assumption as excuse not to continue trying, or to end the marriage. The sad truth is that someone’s incapacity for marriage is not easily recognizable before a marriage takes place. It is discovered after the fact.I am pro-sacramental marriage and agree with the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage and divorce. I have studied the subject extensively. There definitely are many marriages that end in divorce that shouldn’t, due to selfishness, lack of forgiveness, and a lack of endurance through difficult times which could be resolved through time, effort, and God’s assistance. To leave your spouse, for example, simply because you want somebody else, don’t feel love anymore, or because things aren’t as you expected, is inexcusable.However, there are definitely divorces that happen that make perfect sense after careful examination due to one or both being incapable of making the commitment at that time the marriage took place, and perhaps having a permanent inability to live out marriage. Let’s look more closely at this.First, it is worth pointing out that civil divorce today is not the same concept of divorce at the time of Jesus. Our divorce has to do with the civil agreement and civil law. In Jesus’ time, a divorce was related to the religious custom. Therefore, we cannot just dismiss modern divorce because Jesus was against divorce. That difference is for another discussion.We must not get too caught up in a black and white notion of modern divorce in association with Biblical divorce. The Catholic Church does not recognize civil divorce. But it does acknowledge that it is possible that a sacramental marriage did not actually take place, thus issuing a decree of nullity regardless of the civil union. The Church will not even begin the annulment process unless there is a civil divorce, not because She wants to see a divorce, but because the civil divorce is the two individuals action of final effort to make it work.What makes the sacramental marriage take place has EVERYTHING to do with both individuals not only exchanging free will consent, but being capable of giving their consent.I read an article this week that quoted something I find disturbing. The person said that marriage is sometimes “analogous to an imprisonment” and those who suffer greatly in a marriage are meant to suffer as Christ suffered. Though marriage does often end up having levels of suffering that must be endured, a living condition of abuse or violence, for example, should not considered a noble Christ-like suffering to endure. It’s also not the most inspiring way to encourage young people to pursue marriage if they are sold on it as being an “imprisonment.”People who are imprisoned want freedom. People on the outside don’t want to go to prison. So if there is any chance that imprisonment might accompany marriage, you can be sure people will stay clear of marriage all together.The better approach is to see marriage as it is; namely, a vocation for two people fit to understand and execute the practical demands of a lifetime together creating a family that serves each other, enhances society, and glorifies God.Too many have pursued marriage selfishly, brought children into the world irresponsibly, and have neglected their children by their disastrous parenting (or lack thereof). Children have a right to a mother and a father who raise them well and form them into quality people. The children will respond to and be formed by whatever the parents present.Divorce does not necessarily mess up children for life any more than two unhappily married parents who stay together does. Those who believe a marriage should stay together because of the children don't know that there is overwhelming scientific evidence that children are damaged much greater because of the negative, unhealthy parental witness and environment than if their parents were happily separated. But that also is for another discussion.Finally, too many terrible spouses have fashioned for the person they married an imprisonment they did not deserve nor should have ever been expected to endure. It is often the case that the spouse has no idea what they did wrong, nor have the ability to realize how harmful they are. This is very tragic, but it happens. And it happens because they are incapable of fulfilling what they entered into.For many who are unfit, there is hope. With good help, effort, commitment to change, and God’s grace, they can turn things around for themselves and become equipped with the tools necessary to be a good spouse. They were capable of marital love but it was unrealized. Or perhaps they were young and foolish, and made an unwise decision to marry someone they were unevenly yoked with; who was not a suitable partner.Sadly for some, they are deeply invested in the way they are and will never be able to be properly equipped or necessarily changed. They are incapable of marital love. They can live a very productive, fulfilling life in their work and among loved ones.How to avoid marrying someone unfit? This is not easy, and sometimes cannot be known until after you get married and start living with that person. That is why it is very important to use your time well during the dating process and engagement period.Learn about their background and upbringing, observe their relationships with their family members and friends (especially the relationship to their parents), ask lots of questions that pertain to the past and future, share and learn each other’s dreams, goals and interests. If there is anything that seems like a red flag, bring it up and see if you can get a satisfactory resolution. Don’t allow feelings of love to distract or blind you from what is important. Pray together and make sure you know that Jesus Christ is the most important person in each other’s lives.Learn what is expected in marriage as husband and wife, as mother and father, and Christian persons living family life. Make sure you can observe the qualities, character, and actions in the other that prove the capability of living out marriage.But don’t make this an interrogation nor be confrontational. You are trying to grow in love and depth with each other, not impose and insist. Allow the relationship to be natural while you both stay practical about the ability of your relationship to being lived out in marriage.For those capable of a sacramental marriage, making the lifelong commitment in marriage is liberty and freedom at its best. Love is exchanged and lived out, even through all difficult times. It is not an imprisonment, which is forced upon you. It is more like Christ’s sacrifice of love, voluntarily laying down your life for the other.Remember, you are dating and marrying a sinner. Everyone fails. How we respond to our failures and grow from them is what matters, especially when it comes to forgiveness. Those who are fit for marriage are truth seekers and acknowledge an authority outside of themselves.
Is your love life childish?
Sep 21, 2011 / 00:00 amWe’re like children, we’re not men! Classic line of a favorite Seinfeld episode I got to watch again the other day called “The Engagement.” I can’t help smiling even as I recall it to write this article.
Do men think smart girls are unattractive?
Sep 14, 2011 / 00:00 amDumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls. So what do smart girls get? A cat!That’s a little joke I have come across that’s pretty funny. Like all jokes, there’s an element of truth to it.The first truth is that many smart guys do go for dumb girls. Whether they marry dumb girls or not is another question. But I have heard many women distressed about why these intelligent, devoutly religious men are attracted to what they call “air heads”. Well, needless to say, there is probably an objectively gorgeous woman carrying that air head.But in fairness to smart men, there are plenty who do want a smart girl, and are actively seeking them. And they don’t choose the great looks over the quality brain (though undoubtedly they would like both).Perhaps it would be better to identify this issue another way. I have heard the women express, “What are we supposed to do while we are waiting for men to figure out what they want?” Women feel like life could pass them by waiting for a man. They have a legitimate fear that if they configure their life in such a way, it will backfire on them.Unfortunately, the person women become while they’re single and pursue a career can be unattractive to certain men. By certain, I am thinking about Catholic men who want a traditional role of provider, and hope to have a stay-at-home mother for their children.Does that sound too old-fashioned and stereotypical? Maybe even shallow? Regardless, a serious Catholic man will not mind a smart woman, as long as she is smart enough to want to give up her career once children come along and stay home to raise them. That’s what they are thinking.And this is where a HUGE misunderstanding occurs, and both men and women can mess things up. The fact is, smart, educated, intelligent, practicing Catholic women who are successful career women do want to give up their careers to stay home with their children and be homemakers!But there is a catch, and a smart man would do well to display his intelligence by heeding this catch. Smart girls need proof that they are not being stupid to give up their careers. In other words, they are not going to just give up their life and their work for anyone who comes along with their charming smile, good looks, and empty promises.A smart man should want a smart girl, and he should be smart enough to make every effort to provide her the enthusiasm, trust and security she needs in order to make such a drastic change in her life.Many smart men are sadly too dumb to realize that these Catholic career women will happily give up their career to have a family. In fact, many of them are dying to do it. While they wait for a good man who will not be intimidated by her intelligence, level of education, and perhaps even that she makes more money than him, they become career single women with no incentive to be otherwise.So they wait and they wait.What are the advantages to having a smart woman as a wife? A smart woman can manage a home. She has been out in the world, paying rent or a mortgage, paying bills, budgeting, etc. She knows how to organize and be efficient with her time. Yes, perhaps she is a little obsessive, or penny pinching, or particular, but that’s all part of her charm. (But girls, it’s not good to over do it in these management qualities, especially if you try to do so with the person of your man).A woman who has experienced life before marriage is an interesting woman. Do not underestimate the importance of being with a woman who is interesting. Men who just want a woman who is uneducated, uninteresting, and simply capable of bearing him children and being at his beck and call is likely not going to respect that woman nor treat her well. Slaves don’t make for good companions.So what are men really afraid of when it comes to smart girls? Well, they are intimidated by a woman who can hold their own. She causes him to face his own inadequacies. Just who she is convicts him of his lack of courage to be with a woman who is capable of being his equal, and who can challenge him to be the best man he is called to be.The very things that intimidate them are the things men need. Marriage should be the love between a man and a woman who are good friends, who respect each other immensely, and who bring out the best in each other. Education and life experiences help develop a person into a balanced and interesting person. Men should not be afraid to make a woman like this his wife.I believe men are concerned that smart women become too hard, too harsh, too unfeminine, too worldly. Well, perhaps some of them have and should work to reclaim her “femininity.” But there are many great Catholic women out there who are intelligent, educated, successful, and are still very feminine.A woman will give the world to a man she knows loves her, respects her, and accepts her for who she is. When she sees a future with such a man, he will experience love like he could never imagine.Smart girls, stay smart. Men who are afraid to pursue you are not ready to receive what you have to give. They want the wrong things from you. Don’t give it to them, especially in the area of sexuality. But be careful not to assume the role of the male in relationships. A smart girl knows the man must be the man, and a woman must remain the woman.Smart men, don’t be afraid or intimidated. Pursue a smart Catholic girl. Be confident that you are smart enough for her and capable of loving her as she needs. Don’t assume. She may be nothing like the stereotype. Make her feel comfortable about being an intelligent woman around you. Then enjoy the dynamic, exciting, and beautiful relationship that can develop with a smart girl.Oh, and if she does have a cat, give it a pass and let her keep it.
For successful dating, love yourself
Sep 7, 2011 / 00:00 amIn the Sunday reading of St. Paul this week, we heard how the proof of love is that we love our neighbor as ourselves.Many people might be prone to use this passage in justifying their “I am who I am” approach to themselves. This is me! Take me for who I am! The ultimate love of self, therefore, is that we permit ourselves to be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. After all, that’s “who I am.”With this approach, the concept of love your neighbor as yourself becomes one of minding your own business. To love my neighbor would be to leave him be, because we would not want any neighbor attempting to question anything about us.Sadly, many people actually dislike or hate themselves. They do not have a healthy sense of who they really are, their dignity, their self-worth, and their purpose. As a result, they are not able to take responsibility for themselves and their neighbor. They do not like themselves, which makes it impossible to truly love their neighbor.This, of course, affects those who are dating in hopes of finding love, marriage and happiness. Instead of an ability to connect with someone who can be your equal, your close friend, your partner, there is more of an inclination to seek someone who will accept everything about you without question. Someone who can fill voids in a fragmented and distorted self that should be whole.Every one of us are broken in some way, and sin daily. That comes with the territory of the human experience. But our fundamental dignity should compel us to desire to become a better person. We fall, but we get up and we ask forgiveness when necessary. We are weak, but God’s grace provides the strength to become who we are called to be.That call is to be Christ. Baptism has configured us to Christ. We have a divine nature because of our Baptism. And that, fundamentally and truly, is who we are. We are Christ’s. We cannot say “I am who I am.” We must say “I am Christ’s.” That is our dignity. That is who we strive to be. Our unique personhood configured to the Person of Christ.With this kind of love of self, we can love our neighbor as ourselves as we are called to. We are also able to offer anyone we date, and ultimately the one person we marry, a whole person who knows who they are, why they are here, where they are going, and what they are to do.God willing, you find someone who also understands their dignity and loves themselves. Then, a couple is able to love each other without losing themselves, but with an openness to share in the person of the other.When two become one flesh in marriage, it is a union of persons into one person, one life, one purpose; all without losing the individual self. Preserving your individual self is to preserve the person of Christ who is our identity, thus keeping us capable of the impossible; namely, the love of another person in the sacrament of matrimony.I’m sure many of you can look back on dating experiences and recall plenty of examples of people who didn’t love themselves enough to take care of themselves or be open to any changes that would better themselves and their ability to find a suitable partner in marriage. Hopefully, we can also recall times when we, ourselves, betrayed our own dignity by acting in ways that was a real turn off to those we dated.The betrayal of our dignity, at whatever level and in whatever form it takes, diminishes our outward appeal and our inward life of grace. Thus we become uglier. Our life is a lie, of sorts, and we spend the days trying to fool others into believing we are something we are not.How can we love our neighbor (or a spouse in marriage) if we cannot love ourselves enough to face Jesus Christ? He is who we are. If we are not Him, then who are we? We could be anything. Any pursuit of being ourselves on our own terms is to be nothing concrete and substantial and meaningful at all. That actually makes us dangerous.Marriage is about becoming a help mate to another. It requires self-donation to the point of pursuing the other’s good before your own. The love of self is a love of Christ, who lives in us and through us. And His love life is service.To love yourself is to serve others. You give yourself away, and as a result, you become yourself. Love serves. Love of neighbor is service to them, not a demand that they accept you for who you are.During the dating process, you need to see proof that the other loves themselves so much that they desire to give themselves away to you. And they must see the same from you.If you harbor any dislike or hatred of yourself in any way, you have to seek help from someone who is capable of helping you discover these negatives and work on them. You must discover your self-worth in the light of the person of Jesus Christ. Live His life, a life of service, and by God’s grace you can overcome all problems with self-hatred. Above all, visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament often and talk about this. Ask Him to form you into the whole person He wants you to be. Ask Him to teach you how to love yourself and your neighbor, following His example.Bring your best self to everyone you date. Your best self will be attentive to the other, while sharing all your faults as well as wonderful qualities, with the issues of your past as well as your efforts for the future. Being your true self that radiates Christ alive in you will be very attractive.Should you observe a dislike of self in someone you are dating, including any ways they are abusive or harmful to themselves, encourage them that they have a dignity that makes them better than that, and that you would like to see it and share in it. Love them with enough kindness and patience that they trust you with their setbacks. Sometimes, a quality person who hates him or her self has never encountered an empathetic person. Regardless of whether dating the person leads to marital love, you will have at least helped this person to take a positive step toward self-worth.Give yourself away in the name of Christ, who IS love, and you will become a vehicle of love to others.
I want to hold your hand
Aug 17, 2011 / 00:00 amFew things are as beautiful and inspirational to me as being on the beach. There is something about watching the sea and listening to the waves crash against the shore that uplifts my spirits, clears my mind, and brings out creativity. In fact, I am at the beach right now as I write.If there is one thing that is more beautiful and inspiring to me than the ocean, it is the sight of an older couple holding hands walking along the ocean’s edge. I have already seen two such couples today looking so adorable holding hands, their heads fully grey and their time-weathered bodies moving slowly. Two long-time lovers still obviously in love with each other. You cannot help but smile. It is so very touching to see, you cannot help but utter, “Awwwww!”How special is that? You still want to hold each other’s hand! Who doesn’t want to have that kind of love to still exist when they have been married for so long and reach old age? It is solid proof that the feelings of love are still very much alive.I believe if you want to know if a relationship is in trouble, start by observing if they hold hands. You can hide a lot of things from others as a couple, but you cannot hide the reality that you don’t hold hands when walking together.Two people in love are going to hold hands. Not all the time, but definitely often. And that is because when you are in love, you cannot help but want to touch the other person. God designed it that way, and our sexuality is naturally inclined to it. The most fundamental aspect of sexual attraction is the desire to be close, the desire to touch the other. Chastity demands that you not get too close, and that you do not do certain things before marriage. But there still must be some kind of touch.This can be done by reaching out and holding hands, and with great satisfaction. Sitting close by each other or walking together, holding hands provides a wonderful fulfillment of that desire to be close. In fact, it is actually very healthy and important for developing the relationship.That is not to say that couples who are dating and hold hands are definitely in love and will marry. No. Obviously couples break up who held hands a lot. The focus here is when a couple no longer holds hands. It is a sure sign that things are not going well if you think you love each other but have stopped holding hands (or never have). Couples with a troubled relationship can pretend everything is okay by still holding hands. They might be trying to make the feeling present, or one might be trying to keep the other fooled into thinking all is well. But a normal reaction to a troubled relationship of two sincere people is to not hold hands so often, and ultimately stop all together. It happens unnoticed and without thinking. Why? Because holding hands comes naturally and it is a deep form of intimacy. It is also totally possible to be in a marriage that is very sexually active in the bedroom, but the couple does not hold hands anymore. In other words, there is sex but no affection. That is further proof, by the way, that sex activities do not prove true love exists. Our ability to show affections such as hand holding, hugs, loving looks and smiles, and light kisses throughout the day go a longer way in fostering the feeling of love.Couples in love hold hands. Couples with problems don’t.Now, at this point, it's worth specifying that I am speaking of the affectionate side of love, the pleasurable feeling that exists within the reality of love. There is no doubt that committed love, marital love, does not require pleasing feelings to be present in order to be lived. Marriages can have love without affection. Feelings of love diminish or die, while the commitment of love remains. That is everyone’s worst nightmare, I know, but it does happen, and is more common than we care to admit. Living the covenant of marriage even without feeling love is the higher good and still very much the highest calling of love.Having said that, my point here has to do with the wonderful, incomparable feeling of being in love. There is nothing like it, and it is what everyone wants who desires to marry and have a family. They want to feel they are in love, and they never want that feeling to die.That is completely understandable, and I pray that it happens for everyone. This kind of love is a gift from God, and a testimonial of the two persons capable of such love, that they chose wisely, and they did what is necessary to safeguard and foster their love. And let’s face it, there is some luck involved since you never know if the other person is going to drastically change on you or become something you did not foresee that naturally causes problems that affect the feelings of love.As much as we want committed love, we do also want to feel it. We want romance just as much as we want service, duty and sacrifice. We want to feel happy, not just taken care of.When the Beatles sang “I want to hold your hand” (great song!), they were talking about the desire for affection. It is the way the other makes you feel that draws you closer. Hand holding is a unique gesture of romantic love. It is a sign of great affection. I don’t care how close you are with a friend, one thing you never do with someone who is “just a friend” is hold hands.Therefore, I say again that holding hands is proof that romantic love exists. So if you notice that you are not holding hands anymore, you need to consider that you might have problems you are not aware of that have affected your relationship. Things could get worse. Consider not holding hands as a sign, a red flag, that should make an alarm go off in your head and cause you to take the time to evaluate your relationship.That is, of course, if you don’t want the romance, the feelings of love, to diminish or disappear completely. And who wants that? No one, I venture to guess. However, relationship and marital problems are very sneaky. We are inclined to be in denial about problems, and allow ourselves to be distracted so we do not have to confront them. If we don’t nip them in the bud, they slowly get worse and happen without really knowing it.To couples who do not hold hands anymore, I challenge you to ask yourselves why you don’t. If you can honestly say it is because you don’t have that feeling of love any longer and you want it back, then you have to work together to figure out what has gone wrong and communicate exceptionally well about it. God willing, you will soon be holding hands again.To the couples who hold hands, God bless you, and please keep up the good work. Your public hand holding is a very powerful witness. And the older you are, the more you inspire us and make us say “Awwwwww!” You give us faith and hope that the feelings of love are possible to last a lifetime.
Can I afford to date?
Aug 10, 2011 / 00:00 amDear Anthony,I only make $35,000, and the woman I just started dating makes about the same. It’s hard for me to find work that pays more. I want to fall in love and marry one day and provide for the family. Should I feel guilty about dating? How do you date someone when you both have very little money? This is even more challenging if you are trying to fly or drive to meet someone in another state or country.It is a very difficult financial time. It’s easy to be distracted by financial set backs when it comes to marriage.We live at a time when people must get creative about how they go on dates. Men have to know how to take a woman out for an enjoyable time that is not costly, without looking like a cheapskate, or making the woman feel like she should help pay. Women have to be open and help the man feel good about his inexpensive date ideas.The dating period is an important time to discover the character and quality of each other. Those who have particular expectations and tastes when it comes to what they do on a date will display their standard of living preference and their tolerance for financial uncertainty pretty early on.For men who don’t have what is known as a “living wage,” establishing a single-income family is going to be challenging. Finding a woman who can be content with a lower standard of living and find happiness in a life of love with you and her children is important if your earning potential is not likely to change dramatically. Perhaps she will be able to help out financially if she chooses and if it does not interfere with her role as mother and homemaker. If there are desperate times, it helps to have a woman who joyfully does whatever is necessary to help the family financially. Hopefully the woman you are dating is showing this kind of character and willingness.Another consideration is that financial issues are in the top three reasons for most divorces in this country. Whether they were not on the same page about money or whether they let the pressures of financial trials destroy their relationship, it is important to realize just how powerful finances are in a relationship.I know a couple who dated for a year before they were married. They both made very little money and lived in different states, about a 3 hour drive apart. Each weekend he drove to her and was able to stay in a spare room at her employer’s house. For their dates, they would find places where they could talk and not spend much money (a park, a coffee shop, etc). The first year of their marriage, they lived on a salary of $20,000, had a very small one bedroom apartment, and had one beat up old car to share. They struggled, but they were together on living the struggle and doing what was necessary.Many people would determine that this couple who can barely make ends meet can’t afford children. But they began having children right away. And wouldn’t you know that with each child came a financial blessing of some kind, usually in the form of a better job opportunity for the husband, and a better home for the growing family.This couple were people of prayer and faith. Their dating life was centered on their Catholic Faith and their trust in God, both as individuals and as a couple for the future. Their marriage was entered into with trustful surrender to God’s will. They believed that being open to life as the start of their marriage would mean God would bless them in turn with providing for that growing family. Did they pray for riches and expect that God would give them a standard of living that society was dictating? No! They were content to be poor and struggle all of their married days. They only expected God to provide for the needs of the family.The needs. That is where the breakdown begins for many people. What is a true “need” and what is just our desires? Too many people want to live the higher material life that they see all around them, and will not accept a life of poverty. Too many people don’t want to get married or have children because they believe they must make a certain amount of money in their job, or have a certain amount of money saved, or have no debts or creditors, etc. They want to be financially secure and independent before they will commit to marriage. They want to know they can achieve a standard of living they have erroneously come to believe is the standard of living that makes for an appropriate life for a family.This blindness to what true needs are and ability to accept a life of poverty if necessary stems from the greatest problem of all; lack of faith. The couple who lives humbly on a meager single income has a strong faith in God as Father and truest provider, and has a firm trust that He will provide as they step out in faith to make commitments like marriage and having children. The people who fear making such commitments put their trust and faith in money; more specifically in themselves and their own ability to make enough money to afford marriage and children.The focus on money makes people incapable of coming to a place where they finally say, “I have enough money and I’m ready to make a commitment.” There is seemingly never enough money to afford getting married. When you think about having a big enough house, two cars, having money for college, etc., your mind explodes with the “reality” that you cannot afford such a life.There is no shame in choosing to accept living without the luxury items of life that seem to be necessities. If you can make more money to afford to do more expensive things on dates, or to provide for your family more things like vacations, big screen TVs, iPods, dancing lessons, paying for college, etc, then wonderful. A man should not stop trying to improve his financial circumstances wherever possible (i.e., finishing college, looking out for better job opportunities, etc). He does have a moral obligation to do this. But that does not mean that more income should translate into having more material things. Saving money as you make more money while still maintaining a simple life is noble too.Whatever a couple decides about their financial choices, there is nothing wrong with dating and being open to love and marriage while you don’t make much money. Are you a good man capable of loving and serving a good woman in every way God expects you to? Is she a good woman capable of the same? Do you both have a profound faith and trust in God to provide as you make life decisions? Then truly, that kind of love can get you through anything life deals you, because God will be your Father and He will provide.
The roles of men and women
Aug 3, 2011 / 00:00 amI have to laugh a bit as I write this article responding to the feedback of last week’s article, responding to a previous article, responding to the feedback from a previous article.
Wanted: Dating Catholic Male
Jul 27, 2011 / 00:00 amI thought I might make a kind of a “job description” for men interested in dating and finding love that ends in sacramental marriage. It might read something like this:
Warning: Dating the previously married
Jul 13, 2011 / 00:00 amMany single Catholics who have never been married have no interest in considering someone who has been married before as a future spouse. Not even those eligible for sacramental marriage who have a decree of nullity.And why is this? It’s not an unreasonable thing for a person never married to want someone also never married. But can we go as far as to have this as a preference or an insistence? Are previously married people some sort of second class citizen? Do they have to stick to their own kind? Never marrieds(NM) marry other NM, and divorced marry the divorced?Are we absolutely positive that God does not want us to be open to someone divorced who is now eligible for sacramental marriage via their decree of nullity?I had a very interesting conversation at our recent Ave Maria Singles retreat with a woman who was communicating with a man who had on his profile that he only wants to date women who are NM. Being a divorced woman and in the annulment process, she let him know she was, in fact, previously married and wished him well. She told me she also gave him a piece of advice:“Not all of us who have been through a divorce end up bitter and nasty with baggage. Many of us know all too well what a marriage should and should not be.”I applauded her for offering him this advice. More singles who have never been married and adamant about only marrying someone NM need to hear this advice. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, but there could be everything wrong with being so narrow-minded.If you are a NM, I would like to offer you some fair warning about those who are presently single (divorced) with annulments:Annulled Catholics often make the best spouses.There it is. And don’t say I didn’t warn you. Not the warning you were expecting? That’s probably because too often the warning you hear is to stay away from those who are presently single(PS) because they are scarred, bitter, carry a lot of baggage and are basically incapable of being in a successful marriage.There is no denying that many who go through divorce have suffered a great deal, have things to resolve and need healing. Some never quite get past the negative experience of divorce and are not ready (maybe never will be) for being open to a relationship and marriage. You should definitely make sure you are not dealing with a PS who is not quite ready for a relationship.But there are many divorced Catholics who have come out of the bad experience positive and are ready for real love and an authentically Catholic marriage. They are free to marry in the Church and have much to offer.They have spiritualized the sufferings they have endured and grown through them. They have found healing through the annulment process of the Catholic Church. They’ve learned a great deal about themselves and about what marriage should be.There are so many incredible divorced Catholics eligible for sacramental marriage who are past what is fantasy and unrealistic about marriage, and have simplified their expectations. They know the value of having and being a good spouse, are easy to please, anxious to serve, and know how to be content. They know what is important and are no longer distracted by false senses of love. They will not make the same mistake twice.They are at peace with themselves and focused on God. They want real love and know how to give it. They are level headed and not easily fooled. You can’t help but notice as you date them how clear minded and wise they are. They have so much to give, except their time to waste. They long for real love but will sooner live without it rather than marry again despite it.This is not to make the presently single(PS) out to be better than someone who is a NM. But it is definitely to encourage the NM not to avoid the PS.God is the cause of every person who comes into our life. Keeping an open mind and heart is to live in trust of God. The more we try to control, insist, prefer and demand, the less God can do for us, and the more blind we become to those God is influencing to cross our paths.It is not unlikely that God would want you to be open to someone PS who is eligible for sacramental marriage. After all, in the eyes of God, a person with a decree of nullity has never been married.So be careful, never marrieds. It is totally possible to find a PS who captures your heart and is better than any NM you have dated. You just might find out that by being open to a divorced Catholic with a decree of nullity, you have discovered love like you never imagined, and live a marriage more blessed and exemplary than you ever could with another NM.