Catholic & Single Not waiting around to be pursued

May 4, 2011

Don’t you get tired of there being so many rules about dating? It can be exhausting thinking so much about something that should be natural and spontaneous.

The fact is much of the process of dating is common sense. Unfortunately, people seem to have lost their common sense. What should come naturally has become a lot of work, full of second guessing and fears of failure.

Take the concept of pursuing. All the self-help books say that the man is the pursuer. This, they say, is because men are the hunters and women nest. Men go out with their shotgun to procure dinner for the family. The woman takes the animal and prepares the meal.

Much is made about men needing to be the ones to hunt for their woman if they want to be married. They have to show their natural leadership capability by going out and procuring a wife. A woman is the helpless damsel who must wait to be hunted. This kind of thing sounds good when you read it in a book. But it is quite a different story.

Sit in on a table of male friends having a drink and talking about girls and you will hear tales of how they can’t figure women out. They don’t lack confidence, they are confused and considerate. These men are ready, willing, and able to go after a girl. They just are a) confused because the signals women give out are unclear, and b) considerate about not wanting to put a girl in an uncomfortable situation. Perhaps they are even a bit self-protective because they don’t want to get it wrong.

Now sit in on a table of women chatting about boys and you will hear stories about how they do all kinds of things to get a boy’s attention. They share tactics on how to get a boy to like them. Women are active and determined when it comes to figuring out how to land men.

Men very much need help from the women. They want to pursue but don’t want to initiate without having a chance. And they feel like they have a chance when the woman gives him some signal that he is wanted and welcome to approach.

Women are not passively waiting for men to approach them. They are the pursuers. And they are a dedicated team. Have you noticed how women love to help their fellow women out? They don’t have any intention of waiting around to be pursued. They know that the matter of attracting the attention of a boy is in their very capable hands.

It is an age-old reality that women are actually the pursuers. No, they don’t do all the pursuing, nor do the actual leading. But they are definitely the pursuers. And in fact, throughout every stage of a relationship and long into marriage, women lead the men because fundamentally, a man’s desire is to please the woman he loves. So women have the power to lead a man wherever she likes.

Men need to build the confidence they already have. And they need to overcome the insecurities they are inclined to when it comes to approaching a woman. And, in fact, they often need help noticing a woman in the first place.

Women have the natural ability to help men through all of these factors. Men need a little encouragement. Perhaps it is through eye contact with a second glance. Perhaps it is a smile that no man can mistake as invitation. I’m sure you are well acquainted with the endless subtle methods of getting a man’s attention. If you aren’t, you need to start asking some girlfriends you can trust to teach you respectable ways of doing this.

These methods all fall under the category of what I call the “drop your hanky” approach. This comes from the days when a woman would literally drop her handkerchief at the foot of man she wanted the attention of. He would pick it up and hand it back to her. Their eyes would meet, smiles would be exchanged, and a brief conversation would take place. Had she not dropped her hanky, he would not have had a legitimate reason to approach her.

Too many women today have taken an unnatural and frankly unlady-like approach to pursuing men they are interested in. They are also very careless and insensitive about sending out mixed signals to men, which has caused much of the confusion men deal with today.

Online dating has become a primary way for men and women to meet. However, online dating has really thrown quite the monkey wrench in how women send out signals to men. You can’t bat your eyelashes to anyone in a search result.

There are definitely some things a woman can do online without being forward. The first thing pertains to the woman making initial contact. This goes against the grain of many women because they feel they should be pursued by a man. So they wait to be contacted. This is a mistake, in my view. Men need help. They need a signal that it’s okay to approach. Write a very brief initial message that simply comments on something you liked on his profile. It will prompt him to review your profile, and if he likes what he sees, he will reply with further interest.

The second thing pertains to receiving an initial contact from the man. He is feeling you out, no matter how awkward his message is. If you have the heart to give him a chance, reply in a way that shows invitation to pursue. Otherwise, just be direct and say “Thank you for writing, but I am not open to further communication. I wish you every blessing.”

Other than these, there isn’t any way to send signals of interest unless the website offers you the ability to do so. At Ave Maria Singles we have a Drop Your Hanky feature. A woman can simply click this option and the man will receive a notice. It doesn’t get any more obvious. The ball is in his court.

Pursuing a man is the most natural thing in the world for a woman. Women have thrown men into great confusion today because they have become open and careless with their expressions, to the point where a man cannot safely determine if the woman is simply being friendly or is signaling that she is interested.

So ladies, be careful with your natural charms and your God-given abilities to pursue men. Understand what men need by way of signals from you and learn how to use them properly and effectively. Men need your help. They can’t read your mind. Don’t expect them to know you’re interested. Drop your hanky in whatever way that is. Then allow them to take over the pursuit, while you cleverly keep leading them, always making sure they know it is they who are doing the pursuing.

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