Catholic & Single What not to do on a first date

Dec 22, 2010

Few experiences in life can be more nerve-wracking than going on a first date. There is great anticipation. You’re excited. You’re nervous. You’re not sure what to expect.

In many years working with single Catholics, I have been privy to hearing about thousands of first date experiences. So I have learned a thing or two about what you should or should not do on a first date. What to do is the easy part. Be friendly, be courteous, be considerate, be open-minded, and mind your manners. And be yourself!

What not to do is the harder part. It’s harder primarily because what you should not do is subjective. The fact is there are some objective things you just should not do on a first date. You might disagree, but the following DON’TS come from many first date horror stories.

Don’t be late
To be early is to be on time. Being late starts things off on the wrong foot and sends an unfortunate initial negative message. Show respect for your date by not running late. If you are running late, have the courtesy to call. And don’t give a lame excuse. Just own it and be honest. You will be respected more.

Don’t dress down
Put some effort into your appearance. Being too casual can come across as being lazy or like you just don’t care either way. You want to come across like this is an important event. Look nice and well groomed. Get a haircut, look up-to-date in styles, without being flashy or trashy. There are settings for dressing down, but don’t make the first date be one of them.

Don’t use your phone
For the love of God, put the phone away. You want this person to know you want to be with him or her. Leaving the phone on the table is tacky. Looking at the phone or checking for messages is ridiculous. The phone ringing while you are conversing with this person is annoying. Taking a call while on the date is a deal breaker. Sure there are emergencies. This is understandable. But make sure you tell the person immediately upon the introductions that you have a phone and what you intend to do with it during this date if it is really that important.

Don’t scope another person
To state the obvious, when you are on a date, don’t look at other members of the opposite sex as they walk by. It’s hurtful and embarrassing. Can there be anything more damaging to making a person feel unique or special?

Don’t be too serious
Relax and have fun. Show you have a good sense of humor. Laugh. If you are too serious and trying too hard, it will show and it can make for an unpleasant evening. Keep it light and just enjoy each other. Don’t get obnoxious or try to be too funny. Be balanced. Everyone wants someone with a good sense of humor. So be yourself and make each other laugh and feel at ease.

Don’t be too independent
Nothing wrong with being old fashioned. Gentlemen, hold the door for the ladies. And ladies, graciously accept this kind offer. Guys, ask permission to say or do something. She will feel respected. Ladies, ask him to help you with something. He will feel useful. If this all sounds so outdated and ridiculous, I will ask you to show me the statistics that modern dating independent behavior and methods have proven more successful.

Don’t do all the talking
Dating is about dialogues, not monologues. Someone who talks too much comes across as being self-centered. It’s very unattractive. Show that you are interested in hearing what your date has to say or in learning more about them. Keep your commentary short, and ask questions. If you are not a talker, you cannot just sit there and wait for the other to come up with all the topics. Too much dead air is uncomfortable. Be ready to share and initiate, as well as respond.

Don’t over do it
No excessive drinking of alcohol, flirting, sharing, etc. You don’t want to get too tipsy or drunk, which will make you do things you will regret. You don’t want to come across as too forward by flirting too much. And there is no need to dump on this poor person your entire life story or your past relationship woes. It’s too much too soon. Keep everything in balance and respectable.

Don’t let the girl pay
I know there is much disagreement on this, as discussed before, but the man should pay on the date. Ask her out, take her out, and pay her way. It’s classy and it’s impressive. Don’t allow for any awkward moment that she would even have to wonder if she should pay, or offer to. Going dutch is never smooth. When the check comes, guys, just reach over and take control of it. She will love it and feel very special.

Don’t touch the merchandise
Touching in any way is unnecessary on a first date. So no holding hands nor kissing on the lips. Touching another person is a very intimate thing. You are far from sharing intimacy, so don’t touch. Build the anticipation of a first kiss over time. There is a right moment for it, and it’s much more romantic to build toward it than for it to just “happen” at the end of the first date.

Don’t tempt
You might think you are mature and above such things as being concerned with the near occasion of sin, but you would be mistaken. Sexual attraction is the most natural thing about being in a relationship with the opposite sex. Being alone with this person in a place that can allow for sexual temptations to be submitted to is imprudent. So don’t go back to his or her apartment and be alone. I know you “know” nothing will happen, but it just might. And besides, it does not look good and it does not show respect to the person you are dating.

Don’t get married
Maybe I am exaggerating. But you would be surprised how many people are trying to figure out if this is the person they are going to marry while on their first date. That’s counterproductive. It’s not an interview, and it does not have to be love at first sight for it to potentially be your future spouse. It takes time to know. Start on the right foot by having no expectations or pre-conceived notions.

Don’t write off
First dates in general are throw away dates. You are likely not going to get the whole genuine person on that date because of the pressure. If you think the first date did not go well, try a second date. It will probably be better. If the person did something negative, give them another chance. It can’t hurt to forgive and understand, and see if it persists.

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