Catholic & Single Are we too childish to date or get married?

Feb 24, 2010

This 2010 snow blizzard stuff is for the birds! The kids love getting the snow in the winter here in Virginia, but this is ridiculous. Even the kids can’t go out when there is 2+ feet of snow. It’s beautiful and all, but it’s hard work to deal with. And this last Sunday, we had to miss Mass, and that is always a negative. So we just sat around the living room and read the readings of the day. It’s not the same.

I still can remember the readings of two Sundays ago (Fourth Sunday in Ordinary Time). The second reading was St. Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, and you know that it strikes a nerve with everyone, because it is a reminder of what true love really is, according to St. Paul. Of course, for those who are married, this reading is a confrontation because it can't help but accuse you of failing at the love that is required with dealing with your spouse. For those who are dating, St. Paul's outline of what love is and what love is not should be a kind of benchmark in helping determine if the person is fit for marriage. Often this kind of love St. Paul describes is easier before marriage. Love is tested much more intensely after marriage. So for single people, the best you can do is make sure you get into enough situations where you can test if love is true, and go from there.

Let's take a moment to outline love according to St. Paul:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

This is not good news for us, because when it comes to our love of others, we all fail. And worse than failing is excusing ourselves for failing because “we are only human.” I really have a distaste for that saying, because it undermines our configuration into Jesus at Baptism that made us adopted children of God. We most certainly are NOT “only human” anymore. We share the divine life through our Baptism into Christ. Thus, we are configured to love. So technically, it is much more unnatural for us to fail at love. We are called to love, because we are called to be a witness of Jesus' love in the world.

Love is patient. I have heard it said that no one gets into heaven without patience. I believe that. And it makes me thank God for Purgatory, because patience is pretty hard for me. Yet we can grow more patient every day, and God gives us a lifetime to grow in patience through our interaction with others. Perhaps it is the number one purpose of marriage and having children; namely, to help us become patient. God knows how much the virtue of patience is needed when you are married and have children.

Love is kind. Ah, kindness. If only people were more kind! I think most of us consider ourselves to be kind people. We don't look to hurt others, and we try to help. But to be truly kind is more than this. Peter Kreeft, in his book “The God Who Loves You”, said, “kindness is the desire to relieve or prevent another's suffering, but love is the willing of another's good. Both are unselfish, but love aims higher and farther.” Desire to relieve and prevent another’s suffering. That’s hard enough. Add to it the “willing” of another’s good. Love’s kindness is an act of the will, regardless of feeling, to see to it that good is imparted on another. Kindness seeks to make another's life easier, especially in the face of their sins and failures. Jesus is not impressed that we can love those who love us back or who are easily and naturally lovable. But He is very impressed at our love for our enemy, and those who want to harm us. Showing an enemy kindness is unnatural. It takes the power of God (grace), who IS love, to show kindness at moments when it does not come easily.

For a married person, to have a kind word for your spouse instead of a harsh word goes a longer way. To be kind to that spouse when they have failed you or sinned against you, or harmed you in some way, is a very powerful thing. But it is no easy thing. But to will it is a sign of Jesus with you, because when we are hurt, the last thing we want to do is be kind to that person.

Love bears, believes, hopes, endures all things. Love never fails. Okay, now this is impossible, right? We fail at love. It’s a mathematical certainty. So who can really love? We can’t. Only God can love. And with God, all things are possible. Love is a very Godly thing. And the love we seek to have for ourselves is really something only God can give. Unless we embrace that with maturity, we are not going to have success in our relationships with others, and certainly not in marriage. Because men fail. We fail to love our spouses simply because we have our moments. Moments of impatience and moments of unkindness. Only a spouse who does not recover, nor is ever sorry, nor knows how to forgive or ask forgiveness, or who perpetuates their ways is not interested in love. That kind of spouse can do serious damage to the spouse who does love.

And this is where we come to what I believe is the most important part to understand about St. Paul’s thoughts on love. He says, "When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things."

Why does he say this right after the profound outline about love? He is indicating here that love is a sign of maturity; of being a man or woman (an adult). Children are self-absorbed! To be childish is to be selfish, which is a definition of immaturity. To be only concerned with self. Look at what he points out about what love is not: jealous, pompous, inflated, rude, seeking own interests, rejoicing over wrongdoing. These are childish things! Because children care only for their own interests, and in their selfishness, it can be very damaging toward others if they are allowed to get away with bad character traits and actions.

Have you noticed a rising trend among adults to continue behaving like children? This is the most dangerous creature that can be unleashed into society (especially the society of marriage); namely, an adult who does not grow up! Not only are many adults NOT putting away childish things, they are taking on more, and calling it recreation and entertainment, pastimes, outlets, etc. Any excuse possible to keep the childishness perpetuating.

What a danger it is to the society of love called marriage when two children, or one adult and one child, marry. Childishness is a marriage killer, because it is selfishness given license to do as it pleases. It is not true love in action, and love has no fertile ground to develop.

People wonder why there are so many divorces today. It is no mystery. Marriage is an institution requiring true love. Childish attitudes and behavior are the reality of many adult human beings entering into marriage. They take the emotions that indicate some kind of love and they enter marriage thinking that’s all it takes. But then all kinds of childish behavior become a way of life and disorder the marriage relationship.

Men and women who want to be married or who are married need to take inventory of themselves regarding their childish habits, and work to rid themselves of them by God’s grace. Women are beating men verbally with their over sense of expectations, or trivializing their interests, or making them feel useless or like their work is not good enough. Men are using women as sex objects, or verbally abusing them with no respect for them as a person, or working unreasonable hours, leaving them to be overburdened with house and children and loneliness, or playing video games or other recreations while neglecting their family, or involved in all kinds of sports or other hobbies outside of the home. Both are being selfish, impatient, unkind, jealous, rude, disrespectful, self-absorbed, etc.

In a word, they lack the capability of unconditional love, that which wills the good of the other. That’s what love is. That is the love that solidifies and dignifies marriage. It is only possible if we love God and truly seek change through a life of grace. And it takes practice. MUCH practice! May we all take St. Paul’s advice and get to work putting aside our childish ways, and taking mature steps toward being an adult, which means being a responsible person who loves and seeks to serve. If you want the privilege of being a married person, practice love that is not self-seeking, but that is selfless and desires the happiness of the other. That will be your own happiness.

May we all love as we are called to love. Time to grow up, and keep growing up! Love needs you! Marriage needs you! God needs you!

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