Catholic & Single The frustration of getting no reply

Oct 23, 2009

Dear Anthony,

Why can’t people show common Christian courtesy and send a reply to a message? I know you have spoken about this in the past, but it’s just too frustrating and I am wondering what the point is anymore of using the site if this is just going to keep happening. What am I missing?

The question of why people do not get a reply to a message sent is still one of the most common questions I deal with. Not a week goes by without getting an email from a frustrated member dealing with this issue. It’s been a problem with online dating from the beginning, and it shows no signs of going away.

Therefore, it is probably best for us all to start accepting the fact that it’s here to stay. I think this is a first step to making this problem really go away. Since it is a fact and a reality that not every message sent out to another person is going to be followed up with a reply, the real problem is in expecting a reply.

When you expect to get a reply to a message you send out, you set yourself up for disappointment should you not get a reply. That sounds obvious, but based on the thousands of people over the years who have addressed to me their frustrations about this happening, it must not be so obvious.

Expectations in general are a dangerous thing. When we “expect,” we judge. To expect anything at all from anyone means you have prejudged the person or the situation. Take the issue of not getting a reply. You write a message and you send it. You expect a reply to that message. You can also say that you have prejudged that if you send a message to another person, not getting a reply would render the action of writing in the first place to have been a pointless exercise, and cause you any number of negative reactions for having wasted your time. You can also say that you have prejudged the person to be good or bad (or Christian) based on whether or not they reply.

I am not saying we should not have expectations. We all do. But we do have to be careful about actually “what” we expect, and “with whom” we expect. If you are writing to a friend, it is reasonable to expect a reply. But writing to a perfect stranger whom you have never met or spoken to before should not have the same expectation. In fact, you can argue that the more logical expectation is that you will NOT get a reply due to the fact that someone is getting a note from another person totally unexpectedly.

No one should judge someone who is receiving a note from a stranger because no one can know what anyone else should or would experience upon receiving such a note. Whether or not the note gets a reply depends on many things, not the least of which is what the note says. In all the years I have been getting emails from frustrated members regarding their not getting a reply to a message sent, I cannot remember anyone ever telling me what exactly they wrote and why they believe they should have received a reply. What I am told is the reason they should get a reply is because it is a common courtesy to do so or the Christian thing to do, etc.

It seems obvious to people that the reason why they did not get a reply is because that person is not interested and is afraid to just come out and say that. I don’t disagree with that. I do think oftentimes people who don’t reply to a message they get do not do so because they are not interested. But that does not make them a bad person. Nor does it mean that person does not have a good excuse for not replying. I don’t want to make excuses for those who don’t reply, but I do know their excuses can be valid. Perhaps you don’t feel that any level of fear would be a good excuse. But sometimes people fear hurting the other’s feelings by replying and saying they are not interested. So many people have told me they would rather get a reply that said sincerely they were not interested than get no reply at all. However, if we are honest, it is not that great to get rejected either, is it? It can be quite the dilemma.

One thing is for certain. If the person receiving the message has a positive and favorable experience, and has any level of interest in the person who wrote, they will reply. Not getting a reply to a message you send should not cause you to become negative. Anything or anyone we give the power to make us lose our peace should be a red flag to us that we are the problem. Jesus did not give us His peace in order that we would abandon it at such a cheap price. And He certainly does not want us to give the power to lose it to any other person. So don’t give anyone that power. And start “expecting” to not get a reply when you write. That will make the replies you get that much more special. And by all means, do NOT stop writing because you are afraid of not getting a reply. That would be the worst thing you can do. Continue to take the risk and put yourself out there.

Finally, consider what you are writing. Perhaps it is something in the way you are corresponding that is causing you problems with getting a reply. I have seen all kinds of disastrously terrible initial correspondences by people who have wondered what they are doing wrong. Sounding desperate, or anxious, or like you are not really even trying can all work against you. People know when they are being addressed as a unique individual person or just as a number in the process. Whatever you write, make it sound like you are interested in that person, AND also like you, yourself, are an interesting person they should want to get to know.

Ask yourself when you are writing your message, “Why should this person reply to what I am about to send?” If you still have problems getting replies, ask family and friends who know you well and love you to read your initial contacts and ask them to be honest with you as to what they think. Particularly, get those you know of the opposite sex to read them and ask if they would respond to what you wrote. I have had people say to me that the messages they get sound so canned or like they were just cut and pasted with only the change of the name of the person they are writing to, that they did not think it deserved a reply.

Don’t let the no-reply issue ever get you down to the point of giving up. It’s obviously just part of the online dating experience. And you are not alone. Thousands go through this same experience. When it happens, don’t let it sour you toward using the website, or the opposite sex, or lower your self-esteem, or anything negative. Simply move on and continue the journey with God with a positive and confident outlook rooted in faith and hope.

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