Catholic & Single How should I deal with my boyfriend’s past sexual experiences?

Aug 25, 2009

Dear Anthony,

Do you have any advice for a dating couple with a difference in past sexual experiences? (I have had none; my boyfriend has had some.) In Patricia Wrona’s book The Exclamation, she writes that it is better if a couple is equally yoked, i.e., both virgins rather than one virgin and one very experienced. I agree with her that it shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but it is awkward. Also, it bothers me that in conversation my boyfriend occasionally mentions the name of someone from his past sexual experiences.

Sexual experiences in a person’s past are never a “deal breaker.” What matters is how a person has dealt with his or her promiscuous past.

I think a virgin has every right to desire marrying another virgin. They are just getting so scarce, however, that I worry that a person will miss out on or postpone their vocation (which is the higher good) because of this desire. If a virgin is willing to take the risk, then by all means they should seek another virgin.

As for bringing up in conversation a person from the past by name (especially one they have had sex with), that is wrong. In fact, it is impolite and even rude to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t know any better. So you need to share with him that you are uncomfortable with his bringing up these women by name in your conversations. It’s just not necessary for him to do so. If he feels it is important to do so, he first needs to explain why. If his answer seems reasonable to you, then let him do it, but just once to get it out of his system, and never again. There just is no practical reason to do so. If he persists, then this is a red flag that there are other issues he needs to deal with. If he is dealing with them appropriately (i.e., working on it with a spiritual director, getting professional counseling, etc.), then that is a good sign. If he is just dealing with them within himself, that’s dangerous. So be sure you ask him questions directed at how he is dealing with his sexual past. The last thing you want is to go into marriage with anyone who still has unhealthy issues from their sexual past.

I am praying for you every day.

Yours in Christ,
Anthony

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