Catholic & Single Should one be debt-free before marrying?

Aug 19, 2009

Dear Anthony,

I’m dating a man who’s great in every way but he happens to be deeply in debt (not through his own fault), and he is working on becoming debt-free before marriage. I’m a bit concerned about his situation and wondered if you have any thoughts.

I believe this man is taking his financial situation too seriously. Everyone has some money issues of one kind or another. There are many, many people who have happy marriages and have financial struggles. Money should NEVER get in the way of love. In fact, it is love that will help a person get through their problems of any kind. I strongly suggest that you both get serious DESPITE the debt or money struggles. But you need to show incredible support for him personally, and trust with him financially. When a man is not happy in his work or is out of work, it really makes him sink inside. So a good woman will be there to tell him it is okay, she loves him, she believes in him, she is praying for him, and she knows it will all work out. He then should respond with strength and courage. If he does not, then he is sinning. Jesus does not want us to allow any problems to weigh us down to the point of losing ourselves and affecting the people around us. That would be a sin because it is a sin of pride (to believe we should have ultimate control over our situation). As long as he is doing something about it and doing what he can, he should be admired. No one is guaranteed financial security in this life. But the gift of love of two people to each other is immeasurable and solid and constant, and gets two people through anything.

So he needs to NOT let finances stop him from pursuing you towards marriage, and you need to NOT fear any financial struggles or going into marriage with debt. I know that there are so-called "experts" out there (even Catholic ones) who tell us that you should be debt-free going into marriage, but that is a gross error. There is debt that is a part of life, and there is debt that is a result of bad behavior and decisions. Your concern should be if his debt is a result of any bad character issues about him. It sounds like that is not the case. His debt sounds like a result of misfortune beyond his control. It sounds like he is not at risk of sending you into any further or unreasonable debt. If you agree, then there is no reason not to proceed with him.

I don't want to see people make a big mistake regarding their vocation over financial issues. I admire anyone who wants to get his "act" together before marrying someone, but there are some things that cannot be used as an excuse to wait. I think in your situation, the finances are an excuse, and not a good reason to wait. If two people are in a relationship, they have an obligation to allow love to grow and take it to its natural conclusion. Postponing should be done only for grave reasons.

That is my opinion. Take it for what it is worth.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony

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