Catholic & Single Pornography and Dating

Mar 18, 2009

It's no secret that Catholics (primarily men) are struggling just as much as others in the world with a continuing problem with pornography.

For single Catholics, there is a growing concern about how this plays a role in dating and readiness for marriage. Should someone be dating when they know they have a problem with pornography? Should a courtship end upon discovering the person you are seriously dating has a problem with pornography?

These are good and important questions for those with the vocation to marriage to answer.

I personally think it would be wise to refrain from dating. This problem often makes a person incapable of bringing to a relationship what is required for healthy development. It is unwise to bring any sexual disorder into a dating relationship or marriage that is not totally identified and under control. No one is saying you need to be perfect, or totally cured, or incapable of sinning in these areas again. But you do need to have a stronger will to combat any temptation, and have this under control. This will allow you to be at peace as you work at developing a relationship toward marriage, and able to speak about it with the other person. Once you are at the point where any temptation related to this problem is much easier to resist, then you will be ready to move forward. Get professional help if you really want to make serious and quicker progress. It will make a world of difference in your efforts to be healed completely and be the person God wants you to be.

It is wise to consider getting some kind of help from a qualified person who works with sexual addiction. A person might be willing to admit they have a problem with pornography, but not willing to go as far as to admit sexual addiction. So too often they continue to fail because they go about dealing with it on their own terms, and have never really identified what the problem is. In other words, the problem might not just be "looking at it". There are many reasons why men become addicted to pornography, and it is vanity to assume they can figure it out on their own.

And where does God’s grace fit in? Obviously, it is necessary. But God's grace acts in accordance with developed human virtue (also known as "natural virtues"). "Grace builds on nature" is what the Catholic Church teaches. Pope Pius XII spoke very specifically about this and pointed out that the grace of God needs a place to settle, and is operative based on the human virtue of a person. This is what it means that grace "builds" on nature. If a person is in the habit of doing less virtuous things (or vice), the grace available at Confession or at Mass will not be as operative and powerful as it could be if a person has or is working at acquiring those virtues that are available to all persons naturally in human nature.

It is a very human thing to be kind, respectful, prudent, loyal, modest, thankful, etc. These are examples of natural virtues available to all human persons. As we are fully human in our nature and developing the human virtues, God's grace helps us to become "superhuman" (i.e., living in sanctifying grace) and acquire, sustain, and grow in supernatural virtues. We can become heroic in virtue, and should never settle on just being a good person. We are not called to be merely "good people". We are called to be "heroic". And we cannot be heroic without the grace of God, which is the very life of God in us.

Those with the problem of pornography are in a situation where they need to be heroic. They might be doing the right things when it comes to grace, but may need to be doing the right things when it comes to practicing human virtue that is required for grace to be efficacious. We overcome our vices by practicing virtue. When a person is tainted and wounded by indulgence in pornography, there can be other serious problems that develop without knowing it that will affect dating relationships and marriage. If these are not identified and addressed properly, those people risk hurting themselves and others, specifically those they date or the one they marry. Professional help works to identify scars and wounds, and construct a strategy for healing and rebuilding.

Practical things to do would be to avoid being on the computer or watching television during times when isolated. Make a point to do more reading, or praying, or hobbies of some kind. It's good to have alone time, but hours on the computer can be dangerous and not a wise use of the God-given gift of time. I often encourage single people not to live alone, either, and to get a good roommate who shares their faith and morals. It's a good way to stay engaged with reality. So is spending more time with friends. Our same-sex friends who are strong in faith are great sources of inspiration for each other. It's important to have those kinds of friends. The more isolated you are, the harder it is going to be to overcome this addiction. I would also encourage finding an accountability partner for the computer. In other words, give them complete access to your computer to check up on you. No passwords, no technology that hides your activity, nothing private. Make yourself an open book and accountable to this person. This is another act of virtue and will help you psychologically as you physically work at this problem.

Above all, work on your personal character so grace from the sacraments can be more operative, and a life of personal gift of self to others. It is in true charity that we step outside ourselves and focus on others, while at the same time we become better as a person in God's plan for us. This kind of approach to life will make one most properly prepared for marriage, and certainly very attractive in the dating process. It is this life of serving God and others first, and stepping out in action against pornography, that will go a long way in conquering the problem of pornography.

I commend anyone who recognizes they have a problem with pornography and wants to do something about it. They have every reason to be hopeful about overcoming these issues and living an authentic life of chastity before marriage, and expressing authentic marital love within marriage. God's grace is the most important thing that will help those with this problem order their life again, specifically the sacraments of Confession and the Holy Eucharist. But heroic action against it both personally and within society is also necessary. It can be conquered and healing can happen. Focus on healing and developing good habits, developing human virtue, and strengthening your relationship with God.

We are called to live as a whole person. If we walk with God fully, all problems can be overcome. "For men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

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