Catholic & Single Feeling alone again this Christmas?

Jan 1, 2009

Christmas is an emotional time of year.

Everything in normal life gets transformed by the spirit of Christmas. Decorations go up in houses, offices, even whole towns and cities. Music with Christmas themes dominates the radio. People for the most part seem to be in the spirit of Christmas. Kids are full of excitement. It's just a time of year that you can't help realizing there is something different to take notice of and that it must be more important than other times of year. All of us have memories that just flood to the forefront of our minds and hearts of Christmases past that cause us to have emotional experiences unique only to Christmas time, especially when it comes to family. For Christians, of course, it is even more emotional (or it should be) because it is a time of focus on the birth of the Savior of the world, and the experiences of the very religious aspects of Christmas (i.e., liturgies, choirs, carols, almsgiving, etc.) are central and unifying.

In my house right now, all seven of our children are anxiously anticipating Christmas day and the presents they will receive. Parents are excited for children at Christmas. It really is a magical time. They are fully aware of the central meaning of Christmas being the focus on the coming of our Savior on Christmas morning. But they are also caught up in all the other exciting things that surround Christmas. There is so much joy in them, and so many wonderful emotions that will last a lifetime for them.

Christmas time, however, can also be a time of mixed emotions, and even negative feelings. It's frustrating, for example, to have so many distractions from the true focus of Christmas, or to have stress over all that is happening or that we want to do during this time of year. It can cause a person to just want the whole thing over with so they can get some peace and quiet back in their lives. It can also make us forget about our duty to service of others, especially the poor to whom we are to reach out in a special way at Christmas time. It's quite an irony, since Christmas is a feast of peace and love. It is the challenge of all Christians to insure that the meaning of Christmas is lived, our peace is not lost, and we radically step outside of ourselves in order to give to others and share ourselves.

But my main point in writing is to acknowledge the unique challenges of Christmas time for those who are single and desire to be married. For some unmarried people, Christmas can be a harsh reminder of what they do not have but desire to have so much; namely, a person they love to share this special season with, and the rest of their lives with. Some have a harder time than others. It can be difficult, for example, not to have some stirring of envy when seeing brothers and/or sisters and their children. It can be a mixed experience of great joy to be with them all and hurt because of the longing to have a family of their own.

Those who go through these kinds of mixed emotions have no need of being told that it is wrong or what it is they have to do or should be really feeling. But it is still real, and very few can understand it. Therefore, they do not have anyone to really talk to about it without being interpreted negatively.

I think it is important that unmarried persons who are going through these mixed emotions at Christmas time understand that it fine to have these feelings, and it is not a sign that you are unappreciative or any such thing you can think of to accuse yourself. You are right to desire to have your own family and share that kind of love. As long as you don't allow these feelings to take a turn toward depression and get to a point where you actually "dread" Christmas, it is fine to recognize the longing you have and the hurt you feel.

I know in my own life, while I was single, as much as I loved Christmas and enjoyed Christmas time as a single adult, I remember those pangs for what I believed was still missing. They were primarily feelings of "longing": longing for a life in marriage I believed I was meant for, and how many Christmases would go by before I would have that. It just can't be helped to have these feelings lurking around. But they must be put in their proper place. In fact, it might be that your interpretation of them is all wrong.

I believe a big key to helping with this is to have a strong commitment to the Advent season and consider all that Advent means. It's a time of preparation. We prepare twofold for the coming of the Lord: both in commemoration of His already coming 2000 years ago in the stable of Bethlehem, and His coming again in glory at the end of time. How do we prepare? We wait in joyful hope. Hope! That is the attitude of the Advent season; that is the attitude of life. Hope is one of the three evangelical counsels, which are faith, hope, and love. Without hope, there is no living this life. We wait in joyful hope for the coming of the Lord. There is always "hope".

I often tell my kids in the morning on our drive to school to look up and check to see if Jesus is coming. They look anxiously around the skies. He is not there. "That's okay," I tell them. "We will just keep hoping he will come soon and we will keep checking." But most of all, we are to keep living our lives as if he is coming tomorrow.

Our lives are a preparation, just as Advent is a time of preparation. We live in faith, in hope, in love. Faith, by believing in Jesus Christ and His Church and living those beliefs every day as if today is our last day. Hope, by trusting in God to provide for our every need and fulfilling His will for us by maintaining constant trust. Love, by making our very lives a gift to others in service to the Lord.

Our vocation to marriage is a preparation. We wait in joyful hope for the coming of our future spouse. For some, that longing and that hope will not be fulfilled in this life. But it does not mean for an instant that we should stop preparing or despair. To give up hope would be to stop preparing and stop longing. The Advent for our vocation would end, and make it impossible for there to be a "day of arrival" that fulfills our longing. The Lord may send someone along and there will be no oil in the lamp. The preparation had ended, and the guest has left.

It would be a sin to give up on the Advent of our vocation. Even should a marriage never actually happen, the preparation time is not in vain, and the longing and hope are not without satisfaction. For when we depart from this world, we will be greeted by One who is the true Bridegroom Who will invite us inside to the wedding feast we were made by God to partake in. And we will be perfectly happy and live love to the fullest.

So have those mixed emotions this Christmas. It's okay, and it's natural. That also goes for anyone who is married, but is perhaps unhappy or does not have the marriage they feel they should. Those mixed emotions are gifts from God. May they humble you so you realize that your help is in the name of the Lord in all things, and that He is your hope. May that hope in the Lord strengthen your hope that love and happiness in the vocation of marriage is still possible and can happen, but should it not, your happiness is complete in service of the Lord.

This life is an Advent in preparation for eternity. Christmas is the marriage of God and man when the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. May this marriage dwell within your hearts and permeate your lives with great joy and peace, and may you never feel alone again.

Merry Christmas and a blessed life of preparation to you all.

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