Catholic & Single Can fear of flying hurt a long-distance relationship?

Sep 3, 2008

Dear Anthony,

 

I'm in my 40s and have never been married. I've been chatting with a wonderful woman on Ave Maria Singles and she is open to meeting. I live on the west coast and she lives on the east coast. The problem is that I have a terrible fear of flying and she would have to come to where I am to meet for the first time. She is open to that, but I am concerned about how we would maintain this relationship. I'm not sure what to do. What do you think?

 

I appreciate your situation and feel for you. I can't help feeling, though, that at some point you are going to have to confront and overcome your fear of flying. If you can't, or you don't think you want to try, you will have to stop considering someone who is flying distance away. A long-distance relationship is challenging, but it can be done. Those that are successful are because both persons made all the necessary sacrifices and efforts, primarily a commitment to spend time with each other in person. Depending on the situation, it varies how often the two can meet in person. But meeting in person is essential, and the more often you can meet in person, the better chance the long-distance relationship has of moving in a healthy way towards marriage.

 

Seventy percent of our success stories are of two people from different states, so I am not at all surprised that you are interested in a woman who is so far away. But how are you going to make this work if you can't ever visit her because of your fear of flying? I'm not sure how you could sustain it. That's fine to fly her out for the first meeting, but after that, you will have to start flying to her, don't you think? It only seems fair. Does she know you have a fear of flying? If not, she needs to know before you set up a first meeting. But I'm not sure you should even put her through a first meeting if you already know you can't ever get on a plane. Have you even given this any thought?

 

Perhaps she will still want to meet you for the first time with an openness to doing all the flying to you in your relationship. If she does, then God bless her. But it might be that she has an enthusiasm that cannot be sustained. The realities of life as time goes along might not make this sincere desire of hers practical to keep up with. I also don't think it would be fair to "expect" her to do all the traveling. So you have to be very careful about how you approach this. Make sure you always show her a concern for how this would work out from a travel perspective.

 

But there is more to it than just the two of you. What about her family and friends? Critical to determining if you should marry a person is meeting and being with each other's family and friends. You learn a great deal about a person when you see them interact with their family and friends. This is a very important thing. If you never visit her, that means you won't get time with her family and friends. That is not good at all. Something to think about.

 

There is a positive to proceeding to have a first meeting. It's possible that your strong interest in her after your first meeting could provide a grace to help you overcome your fear of flying, and you just might find yourself with the courage to get on a plane and fly to her next time. Love makes us do crazy things :-) And if this first meeting goes so great that you really want to see her again, and/or she wants to see you again, perhaps you will be "crazy" enough to get on that plane.

 

If you do decide on having the first meeting, just make sure you pay all her expenses. And make sure she understands the risk that you both might like each other and want to meet again, but it does not happen due to this fear of flying.

 

This also means that your fear of flying affects your meeting any other women after this one. Again, you have a great chance of meeting your future wife if you are able to meet women in person who are in flying distance. Your chances greatly diminish if you can't fly. But if you can't fly, then you can't fly; that's your reality to accept. But if that is, in fact, your reality, than you must be responsible in your online interactions with women and ONLY make contact with women you know you can eventually meet in person. Don't start a dialogue with anyone who is a plane ride away. That just isn't fair to her, nor to you. Your interest in this particularly woman is proof that your finding a future spouse will mean being open to someone who is only in flying distance. If you limit yourself to someone local, which you are free to do, your chances of finding the right woman are more unlikely. Not impossible, but less likely. I think you see where I am going with this.

 

Of course, the better solution is to get professional help and overcome this fear of flying once and for all, in the name of your vocation, your love for God, and for the sake of your future wife. This would make things easier, and I believe it would also make your chances of actually getting married much better. There is a chance that this fear of flying will keep you from every getting into your vocation. Certainly, it may very well keep you from getting married sooner rather than later (which is what most people desire).

 

All fears are an evil. They are not of God, and they should be confronted and dealt with to the point of having no more fear. And fears notoriously keep people from living life as abundantly as the Lord desires to have us live. To overcome fears is to be truly free, and allow us to live life to the fullest. In your case, the life your fear may be keeping you from is married life, which is pretty significant, I would say.

 

You really need to overcome that fear of flying. Even if this relationship does not work out, you jeopardize any future relationship because of this fear. So get some professional help, pray, and conquer this problem. Then you will be free to do whatever it takes, as God inspires, to develop a healthy relationship and get into your vocation one day soon.

 

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