CNA Staff, Oct 15, 2024 / 12:30 pm
This year, as the autumn weather becomes crisp and the leaves begin to fall in much of the U.S., families who have endured miscarriages and infant losses will be honoring their lost children as part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month.
A Catholic group known as Red Bird Ministries is hosting a Mass on Oct. 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, where families may attend remotely and light candles from their homes to remember their loved ones, creating a “wave of light” across the U.S.
Another Catholic group, Sursum Corda, is inviting grieving families to participate in a monthlong creative photography challenge called “Present in Pain,” where families are invited to share photos and an optional reflection throughout October.
Both groups were founded by women who themselves experienced perinatal loss, which inspired them to launch Catholic grief ministries to support other families going through similar losses.
Red Bird Ministries’ remembrance Mass
Kelly Breaux’s organization, Red Bird Ministries, invites families who have lost children to an Oct. 15 Mass online. Families can share the name of their lost child to be prayed for during Mass and light a candle at home in remembrance. During the prayers of the faithful, participants will pray for the lost babies, sharing the names of all the children for whom the Mass is offered.
“To hold space and love for all babies, especially when there is no little body to bury and no place to go to remember, we can turn to prayer,” Breaux told CNA. “Mass is the highest form of prayer for our little babies; therefore, together, we give glory to God for the precious gift of our babies.”
Red Bird Ministries offers grief support from a Catholic, pro-life perspective for families of any faith who have lost children of any age, from pregnancy loss to adolescence or adulthood.
For perinatal loss, Red Bird Ministries has a “Carried with Love” program “dedicated to serving families who have experienced perinatal loss.” The group offers a variety of resources and information for grieving families as well as resources for navigating the hospital or helping siblings.
Breaux founded Red Bird Ministries with her husband, Ryan, after their own experience with perinatal loss and lack of support.
The couple was overjoyed when they discovered they were pregnant with twins, a boy and a girl. But at 28 weeks, Breaux experienced complications leading to an emergency cesarean section.
“My husband and I were terrified that we would lose the babies during delivery. Miraculously, Talon Antoine and Emma Grace were born alive but very tiny at only 3 pounds, 1 ounce, and 2 pounds, 5 ounces,” she said. “The NICU was a traumatic experience for us as first-time parents. There was so much we didn’t know nor knew to ask, and so we were unprepared for the possibility of our son’s infection leading to his death.”
After Talon’s baptism and death on Oct. 31, 2005, Breaux said her “grief was put on hold” as she cared for Emma Grace, who was “medically fragile.” Emma Grace contracted swine flu and died after six weeks in the ICU.
“That is truly when the world opened up, and I fell into the deep dark hole,” Breaux recalled.
The couple found out they were pregnant again during this time but experienced another devastating loss of their son at 11 and a half weeks of pregnancy.
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In their grief, the couple stepped away from the Church for more than five years.
“The Church was supportive during the week of both of their funerals, but I never heard from anyone after we buried our children,” Breaux said. “When we needed the Church the most, there was nothing they could offer to us to walk with us during the darkest moments of our marriage.”
Breaux said she “turned to the secular world for support” but was struggling with faith-related questions.
“My therapist was not equipped to answer deep theological questions like why babies die, what did I do to deserve this? Am I being punished?” she said. “The death of a child does not make sense without really knowing our faith, but in the middle of the raw, it’s not appropriate to have a catechism lesson; we must first sit and let grievers lament.”
“If we let families explore their grief in the world, the world only feeds into the hopelessness you already feel,” she said.
After making a retreat seven years after Emma Grace’s death, Breaux began healing her relationship with God.
“I knew the missing piece in my healing journey was that I had never invited God into my suffering,” she said. “When my heart was cracked open, if support had been available, I would have run to it and hung on for dear life.”
Lift up your hearts — healing in presence
The grief of losing a child is often minimized, Eileen Tully, who founded Sursum Corda ministry, told CNA.
Sursum Corda, which means “Lift up your hearts,” provides online community, resources, and workshops for families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss.
For the month of October, Tully organized “Present in Pain,” which has daily prompts for participants to take photographs, such as “sunrise” or “special place.” Participants can share their photos, and a reflection if they wish, in a Sursum Corda online group.
“One of the hardest parts of losing a child through pregnancy loss or infant death is feeling like you’re the only person who will remember they existed,” Tully told CNA. “Often parents who have experienced this kind of loss suffer in two ways — first by losing their child and then by others minimizing their loss so that they aren’t sure they’re even allowed to grieve it.”
Tully suggests that friends and family consider setting a reminder on the anniversary of the loss to send the family a note or message “letting them know you’re remembering their child with them,” even adding the child’s name to a Christmas card “to let them know that you remember that this season may feel challenging without their child.”
“These small gestures of remembrance are so very meaningful for families who are experiencing this unique type of grief — a forward kind that leaves a void where their child would be,” she said.
Tully’s twin daughters died in 2011, after she already had two miscarriages; one daughter, Fiona, was stillborn, and the other, Brigid, died after 47 days in the NICU.
“The experience was more devastating than anything we had ever been through before,” Tully said. “It challenged our marriage, shook my faith, shattered relationships, and left me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally wounded for years.”
Tully struggled to find resources, especially resources from a Catholic perspective, to support her in her grief.
After going through her own healing process, Tully “felt the Lord prompting me to help other mothers who experience child loss to find healing within their Catholic faith.” She told God “I really had no idea how to go about doing such a thing” but was inspired by a personal encounter with Our Lady of Sorrows.
Tully built the ministry “around her example,” offering women the resources that helped her in her own healing. Though many “are reluctant to seek out help” in their grief, Tully said she has seen how her ministry has helped many women.
“It can be so helpful to have practical tools in your healing toolbox: tools like creative activities, the support of other bereaved mothers, validation of their own experiences, a devoted time to process their pain with others who understand, and skills to teach them how to manage their painful and difficult thoughts and emotions,” she said.
“Time alone doesn’t heal our wounds; rather, it’s what we do with that time that matters,” Tully said.
Responding to grief from a Catholic perspective
Tully and Breaux both emphasized that families experiencing grief after child loss need support and to know that they are not alone.
“Grieving families need to know that though this pain can feel very isolating, they are not alone,” Tully said. “One in 4 pregnancies ends in loss, and the reality is that there are many people in our parishes and communities who have experienced this pain.”
Tully advises fellow Catholics to support families “by treating their losses like any other kind of grief — bringing meals, sending flowers and cards, supporting them emotionally, and praying for them,” while being mindful that families may struggle with infertility or hidden losses as well.
She also suggested that offering practical and spiritual help such as parish or diocesan grief support groups “would go a long way to helping them find healing and hope to remain faithful and hopeful after loss.”
Breaux added that “pregnancy loss is often associated with a great deal of physical and mental trauma because families are not prepared for what they will experience.”
“Society often fails to acknowledge the loss of a baby in these situations,” Breaux said. “Families do not feel they have a right to grieve.”
Breaux and Tully both noted that the Church as a whole should be increasing grief ministries and supporting families who have experienced perinatal loss as part of its pro-life response.
“Married couples are encouraged to be open to life, but very often, they come to the awareness that this openness to life can also mean openness to loss,” Tully said, noting that resources to support these couples are lacking.
Breaux added that “the Church needs to embrace and welcome those who are suffering.”
“Grief ministry is the missing touchpoint for evangelization in the Church,” Breaux added. “Hearts are ready for the Lord to come and heal the broken pieces that have been shattered by death.”
