Catholic & Single Let's (not) spend the night together

Jan 5, 2011

Dear Anthony,

I am in a long-distance relationship and it’s my turn to visit him. He offered to put me up in his guest room. I know we are both committed to staying chaste, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do.

Thank you for writing about this. The Rolling Stones sang, “Let’s spend the night together” for two people feeling drawn to each other. But the better advice is let’s NOT spend the night together, for the same reason. Two people drawn to each other in the normal, beautiful ways God created love between a man and woman must proceed with caution. They must respect the realities of attraction.

Long distance relationships are part of the reality of online dating. And having to make these kinds of decisions are also part of it. Leading a moral life, both in practice and appearance, requires making the tough decisions as well. A successful long distance relationship takes a lot of faith, courage and determination. It is so easy to get discouraged because of the often challenging hurdles to overcome just to make the necessary “in person” time together.

To succeed at a long distance relationship takes heroic virtue. Your question represents a very common situation to have to deal with; namely, where to stay when one person is visiting the other. And when both have openly committed to staying chaste, as you have mentioned, then it seems it would be okay to entertain certain lodging options that would otherwise be an obvious impossibility under the normal rules of chaste dating.

You are basically asking if the two of you can spend the night together under the same roof. The guest rooms seems to offer a suitable protection. But there is no question that you must not stay overnight in his home and arrange to stay at a hotel. Perhaps if he had a roommate or lived with his parents who would be there, you could consider it more seriously. But his home where he lives alone is highly discouraged. Maybe he has family you can stay with during your visit. There can hardly be a good excuse for staying in a guest room of a man who lives alone. Saving money on a hotel is not as important as saving your virtue.

I would further advise that it is prudent to not be alone with this man in his own place. We have to take care of all practical things regarding avoiding the near occasions of sin as we have learned as Catholics.

I realize that there might be an age and maturity factor involved here. It might be you are both older single Catholics, much more mature and in control of your emotions and feelings. And you may have already discovered that you both are respectful, and he is a gentleman, etc. Therefore, it probably seems much more reasonable for you to consider staying at his place, and he does not think it inappropriate to invite you stay there. It might even be there are financial matters that prompt this and make it also seem practical and doable. Finally, it might be you both are seriously going to see to it that nothing happens and preserve your chastity.

I will tell you this. From my long experience dealing with single men and women, sins of the flesh are something every person is capable of, no matter how unlikely it seems. You would be surprised what anyone, even yourself, is capable of under the right circumstances.

I'm sure you trust this man, and he is well intentioned. But it is a matter of propriety and prudence that you not be alone together in a place that would allow for any unchaste temptations. Staying over night at his apartment is definitely out. Spending the evening at his apartment is also not so wise.

I would advise against it, though others might argue differently. Only the two of you can decide that for yourself. But I still say ask a good priest or your spiritual directors about it.

Your boyfriend should be the one to pay for your hotel room. And it is only right to respect the attraction you have toward each other, and fallen human nature itself, by not allowing either of you to be in a near occasion of sin. It might sound corny or outdated, but he shows a greater respect for you to protect your honor in such ways. If he does not like it but will respect your wishes, then that's fine too. At the very least, you have to be the one to protect your own honor.

Too many people do not think about what something "looks like" today. Just because nothing is going on between you two does not mean it is okay to allow yourselves to be in situations that don't look good, or give the wrong impression. Impressions do count. Preserving reputations count. We are witness of Christ to others, and we therefore must be a good example. We are not permitted to do our own thing and be our own authority as to what is right and what is wrong. We are also not permitted to thumb our nose at others and not care what they think, at least to some degree. This degree applies. When it comes to pre-marital relationships, we have to be good examples.

Yes, you can always say "Nothing happened." But why set yourself up for that if it can be helped? Sometimes it's unavoidable, and there is nothing you can do about that. However, in cases like this, it most certainly can be helped.

I hope this helps.

Yours in Christ,

Anthony